The Kiss

Every been kissed in a dream so well, you had to wake up to make sure it wasn’t real. If not I have not decided if it is something that can be missed or if I should recommend it. See I’ve never been kissed so how it compares I wouldn’t be able to tell you regardless. I guess I’ll share the dream with you since nobody’s listening.

So a scientist/doctor is experimenting with spatial time travel, figuring if one can move a town through space it could save numerous lives. This was in reaction to the fact we were always too late for some train of events, who should deem to use this had not been ironed out as of yet. Really it was like copying a group of people cutting and pasting them somewhere else. The trouble with this is the space the people are moved to must be of equal of more spatially than where they were coming from. Hence the first experiments in Iowa, in a weird town. I enter the scene of what seems to be my family leaving a home that may not have been ours. I deduce this my the fact we were exiting  through the window and leaving booby traps. Fast forward a bit and I’m left wandering following a small cat and puppy who I snatched before ditching our previous habitat. I seem unconcerned by the lack of people on the streets, an though I know I have no idea where I am, I know where to go. I enter a home that has an ample kitchen sofa and dining in one area with one door on the parallel wall. I don’t know why but everything in my being tells me not to go through that door. I eat what seems to be empanadas, I stare at the door pretending not to show I am determined not to go through. I have the oddest sense the entire time of being watched and knowing my family at one point has passed through here. I lay on the couch and sleep. Blissful it is not I am jolted to face the doctor/scientist (his name escapes me) he tells me, he has my family and they are trapped and prisoners, and will remain so unless….. he is showing me them through the only remaining door on the wall (again I have the strange sense in my dream they used to be four one for each member of my family) but as I peer through they are just rag dolls on little chairs. At this point I see the man’s nervousness. An he begins to ramble to himself “it wasn’t supposed to be this way, cut and paste why isn’t there a paper clip to help me now. gah what to do what to do , this must be a side effect, there’s is no where to paste her where to paste her.”

Me:OKAY what is up your mumbling is getting on my nerves.

Doc: Yes.. yes sorry dear take a seat and open the fridge it will show you images that may jog your memory. I do as told and a picture or a terrible crash about to happen is shown there are multiple people scattered and at first I feel I’m the girl there chasing after the cat. and decide that is whom I must be.

Doc: I will introduce you to someone “COME OUT this mostly your fault interfering always butting in, out comes this guy 23 or 24 tall, white, lean to muscular build think Joseph Gordon Levitt, I stare at him feeling like I should know him yet nothing comes to mind.

Guy: stumbles in gah who are you guys, why am I here what happened to my clothes *stares at my face* you your the reason, let me go don’t make me do this I want to go home, *falls to his knees*

At this point me and the doc are equally perplexed, out comes this figure who picks up the sniveling guy shakes him mumbles “how could you embarrass me like this gah why do I tinker and work” and promptly pushes the “man” onto the floor, said mention fellow unceremoniously changes to a rat and scurries away.

“Real” Guy: I truly am sorry sometimes you try and do things and they sometimes my fail. He smirks at me  one of those smirks that makes you wonder what exactly he is smirking about.

Doc: what did you do why is she here we were supposed to place the town right back the way we found it. Nothing more or less, exactly the same.

Guy: hey I’m not the one running around making edits before doing a head count, how was I supposed to know she wouldn’t go back. (he slid a look my way that implied very much he knew that was exactly what would happen.

Now I didn’t exactly not like the way this particular gentleman was looking at me but thought it highly inappropriate to the picture I had of myself in my mind of 12 years old with mitten and pigtails.

Doc: Sigh your confusing the poor girl, you could have at least let her know what you were doing before blocking the cut. Turns to me wiping his glasses, well it seems you may be stuck here with us so I may as well begin to explain myself and the events that have occurred the photo you see is a picture of the town you previously occupied that was pasted here so some corrections could be made to their homes then pasted back. You’ve all lived here these few years unknowingly, however since we do not know the full effects of keeping you here we needed to send you promptly back. however before doing so there was some commotion and some people (shoots look at the Guy now grinning widely) deemed they needed to tinker with things. So we were able to transfer everyone to exact time and space needed, however you weren’t accounted for and since I have made several edits to the town I am unable to send you along, as well you are no longer formatted to your town.

Me: But my mom and and wait did I have a mom right of course I mean I’m 12 can’t exactly be going  around the world  alone. feel them both looking at me with strange looks.

Guy: Love you might need to glance at the fridge a few more times make sure you find yourself before your brain does a number on you.

I glance at the picture and now see Guy there blocking of a 22 yr old girl dark hair, staring at the little girl in front of her pigtails flying chancing a cat and puppy as they jump into the dark haired girls arms. I than glance closer and realize I’m wearing the same clothes as her, I look down further examining my features and realize I am most definitely not the 12 yr girl. A memory flashes: me rushes to class passing by Guy and looking down as I hurry to class, walking home and glancing up to see him tipping his imaginary hat to me. Another girl, Guy and myself, chuckling to ourselves before our psych class. Guy and my close friend in close confidence, and a deep chocking feeling.

Doc:Cough… my dear you may want to take a seat and um adjust your um.

Me: I looked up wide eyed what…what… shaking myself out of my last thought.

Guy: Gosh, doc now I got to be all chivalrous while you ruin my show, love your shirt is revealing a little more than the doc feels you might be comfortable with, but I say be rebellious and prove him wrong **winks**.

Time Flashes Forward scenes quickly pass through watching towns on the fridge, hanging out with Guy and chatting with the Doc about the reasons he should begin further research with smaller items and work back up to towns, like starting with thinks people won’t be suspicious about disappearing and showing up again.

Than it settles back on Guy and I acting out a play, I have a veil on and have demurely read my part to perfection where out of nowhere he kisses me through my veil.

Me: Hey :pushes back: that is most definitely not your line I lift my veil.

He kisses me again…. I push him back a little later…

Guy: Fine, Fine oh Rosalind your alabaster is so alabaster and attempts to kiss me again

Me: We are doing Romeo and Juliet is there a Rosalind in this one

He than shoots me a look that says, Really, I could stop trying to kiss you. I blush and apparently regain my sense. and let him kiss me. The dream slows, time ticking past as he just looks at me with that look of triumph, reverence, and a solemn glance of promise that this will not be the last time he kisses me this way.

And than I woke up, alone and with what I assume was a dreamy smirk. Cause when I rolled out of bed I had one of those I accomplished a lot today looks. And the very vivid memory of this dream. So there it is I don’t know what to say, it wasn’t a smutty dream, at least not to me sorry if you thought it was. It was like watching and being part of a very intriguing film. It was much more vivid in my mind the scenery I really can’t place into words. But I can elaborate on any other specifics if you like just shoot me a comment.

Technically

Technically I should be asleep. I should be preparing to wake up in the next few hours, refreshed and clear headed. However I am not, since  I have a few thoughts tangled up in my mind that I’d like to jot down.

Firstly I am so swapped with school and work right now I see myself  slipping into old habits. Its like when you say something dumb but its too late. However it is not too late and I plan on fixing the sitution this week so it doesn’t hurt the rest of my semester.

Secondly my brother and I are buying a house. I say this without having begun the process but am seeing more and more that this is what God is leaning our family towards. This is a big grown up step. Like BAM your not a kid you own a home deal with your self. It has not fully sunk in, I’m very nervous and excited.

Thirdly (?) I had a break down recently where I was in an argument with my mom and insta-cried and I knew it had nothing to do with the issue at hand. So I had to take a deep breath and remember where I was. That has never happened to me and was quite unnerving. I don’t know if I should be proud I stopped myself or scared there is still that much raw emotion from my childhood. I really went to a place I rarely go, I pretend it doesn’t exist therefore it doesn’t matter. Now it seems that is not going to work I pray that God helps me not to snap on those I love.

Fourthly (?) there is a cute guy at my bible study. ^_^ I mean he is like 12 (20) cough finally cough. Joking, my point being there aren’t many cute christian guys I know this is superficial and yes judge me for it I know I’m not the creme of the crop. It’s just nice to see cute guys in the faith is all. Mind you it may also have to do with I didn’t place him in insta you are my friend zone. As due to my insecurity I do this with almost all of my guy friends. Not that they would mind they are all younger than me regardless. But I have a terrible tendency to treat everyone as a child. As I know how to cope with children, and I find people my own age not very adult like. Which is why I find myself getting along with fringe characters, sort of people(transformers) who are more than meets the eye. And I actually proactive spoke with above referenced guy without provacation. Mind you it’s not like I’m awaiting to date him, it’s just very out of the norm for me to begin conversations with persons of the male persuasion on my own. So this was very fasincating.

Fifthly (?) I wish I were a completely different person every time I wake up, but it’s beginning to wiegh on me more now as I get older and there is less time to change

So I think that’s about it a lot more stuff is running around but sleep she waits for no one and I must catch her. So thanks for paying any mind at all to this, and type at you soon. Oh also shoot me any Q’ you have and give you some A’s for your troubles thanks.

Realization

***Please note this was written just after the previous post. ***Though edited and posted much later lol*********
My day began amazingly my morning class went well. I woke up at five am after posting my daring and exciting post last night (I must figure a way to highlight sarcasm versus these damn parenthesis’s) made fajita and was set to go for today. So then it was around 7am and I forgot to look up my class room. As I get to my mom’s computer I looked online and boom my 7:30 am class magically turned  into a 9:00am class. Suffice to say my day got better. I breeze to school find an awesome parking, and misplace my classroom but with the help of my awesome big brother arrive 3 mins early. Now class is a breeze I mean I’ve flunked it twice so I think I know what to expect :P. Yet I was surprised today Dr. Thomas Murray, (should you ever attend UCF and want to be a teacher take this man for any class he is teaching) was advising our band of misfits class about being careful of the schools we wish to observe.

The reasons being One: everyday is a potential job interview, which though nice can be daunting. Secondly do not volunteer where it is easiest per say. Go to a school that reflects where you want to be hired. BOOM that hit me like a ton of bricks, my passion is to teach inner city kids,  title one schools, however all my volunteer work has been in A* schools. I was realizing what a detriment I was doing to myself and future students. Literally I felt as if God stared me down and whispered these simple words, what are you preparing for. Your preparation and planning is not for the plans I have for you. Your learning about a job I have not prepared for you.

Now noted this epiphany is still dawning on me as I type, so I apologize if the flow of this post took a little turn. I will save this for another post but a main note God IS Good He reveals to those whom seek answers, and for people like me you are reluctant to listen at times a nice tap to the back-o-the-head never hurt. ^_^.  To recap class was good than I got the unexpected text DUN DUN DUN. I take this time and moment to confess into the abyss of the internet, I AM A COWARD. Well a prevention specialist same difference. Last year I had a good chunk of people treat me like trash so once they all decided to leave, I passive aggressively deleted their numbers. Mind I also deleted people who I just don’t speak to as much as well figured throw out all the bath water. Anyway all I get in the text is Hi stranger :). That’s it so this does not help matters, so I send what I think is a clever message

“Hey …um apparently my phone has decided to hide ur identity regardless of which hi “friend” (I am currently assuming our friendship please adv if incorrect 😛 ” ***pats self on back*** I was all proud of myself, so I than let my mind wander and thought it was Eh (any questions concerning said character please see hyperlink) As I presume you are caught up, you now understand why my mood suddenly changed. Now note it was fortunately enough my friend Jacob whom I must see at some point before the semester ends. But I must admit a small tiny part of me wasn’t as excited it wasn’t him.

Now once realization of this error in life, I was really mad at myself, was I really so weak. I have completely forgotten everything that has happened.  and than once I had finally stopped being myself up I gave myself the chance to explain

See it not that I don’t remember what happened but I would like to pretend it never did, that would be so much simpler. Than nothing would be awkward. So the reason I’m not completely excited it wasn’t him is because it means I really won’t ever get the chance to pretend. Because if he had texted we could have joked, and I would have thoroughly convinced you to be who you used to be.

So upon reaching the conclusion of this inner struggle all the fight left me and I looked at the broken little girl I very rarely actually listen to and speak with. I looked on the small desire of my heart to run , and thanked God for the strength that allows me to not fall into old practices. Suffice to say I am glad that I admitted these things semi out loud.

The reason being bible study is tomorrow night now mind you I do not plan going any other time this semester as I will be ridiculously busy. Now he will be there and initially I did not want to go, mostly cause I hate the way I look and don’t really want anyone I know seeing me period. So after finishing this post I have no hesitations about going tomorrow night. I know I’m of a different mind, I’ve let the Trinity get a stronger grip on my life, so where I walk next God himself will have enter before me, assuring anything that happens will not be more than I can handle giving everything to him. So as the lights dim here at UCF I will still for a while more read a lovely ghost story as the lights grow dim and look forward to the rest of my life.

 

 

***If you are from somewhere that is not Florida, here we grade our schools based on a very diverse criteria Cough FCAT cough one exam Cough…. anyway the rankings are from A-F grading system and money is allotted for performance.

Your Voice still Echoes

This is one of my favorite bars in Leon, Spain. Flandes is the name of the place Carlos and Luis the masters behind the counter. Now I’m not a fan of spiked beverages per say, I do appreciate the show behind ever glass however, a good bartender keeps the liquid flowing and your tab open. He is ready with a joke, a tease, advice or a well placed look. It is truly an art to be behind a counter connecting with strangers at the drop of a hat.

Now back to the title, hopefully you watch the previous Gotye video, if not don’t worry I’ll wait…………::stretches::  sweet all done, (wipes tear) wasn’t it awesome. Well the reason I chose this song is it talks about letting go, but always remembering. That even when you go, something is left behind. The reason for my pensive thoughts on letting go is I recently watched The Vow , which was a alright film. Regardless of my opinion on the film it got me thinking. What if it was all gone, one day to the next (spoiler alert) four years of your life done away with like petals in the wind.

I think back to where I was four years ago, I hadn’t even graduated from my community college, fresh out of High school. Would I do things differently, or would I fall in the same pitfalls. Four years ago I didn’t have any of the friends who hurt me, I was dealing with a lot, while dealing with nothing at all. Part of me would like to forget the years that have past, but for every bad memory, there is a good one, every tear has a laugh behind it. And for ever friendship that ended badly an amazing bond forged. So at the end of it all I wouldn’t changed anything, because it’s all shaped who I am.

I may not completely know who I am. But the thing I do know is God loved me so much He died for me. Loved me so much he came undone. So I am loved, cherished, and purposely made. There are days the loss of who I should have been hurts more than I can bear, yet it reminds me of so many things. Though my identity isn’t quite clear, my foundation is firm, I am witty, sarcastic, loving, kind, spirited, and understanding. I’ve only learned this through every hard fought battle with myself as well as every ally I have made. It is because God has used the people who hurt me as well as those who’ve love me; to mold me. Making me a new creation, something greater than I could ever had planned, that His glory may shine.

So maybe the voice of my past still echoes, but in those tearful pleas I find my peace and in the laughter I find strength. Just because God is a part of my life, I would relive every breath, tear, hurt, and joy. In every moment His glory shines and there is nothing more precious to me than that.