Tag Archives: spiritual

Realization

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***Please note this was written just after the previous post. ***Though edited and posted much later lol*********
My day began amazingly my morning class went well. I woke up at five am after posting my daring and exciting post last night (I must figure a way to highlight sarcasm versus these damn parenthesis’s) made fajita and was set to go for today. So then it was around 7am and I forgot to look up my class room. As I get to my mom’s computer I looked online and boom my 7:30 am class magically turned  into a 9:00am class. Suffice to say my day got better. I breeze to school find an awesome parking, and misplace my classroom but with the help of my awesome big brother arrive 3 mins early. Now class is a breeze I mean I’ve flunked it twice so I think I know what to expect :P. Yet I was surprised today Dr. Thomas Murray, (should you ever attend UCF and want to be a teacher take this man for any class he is teaching) was advising our band of misfits class about being careful of the schools we wish to observe.

The reasons being One: everyday is a potential job interview, which though nice can be daunting. Secondly do not volunteer where it is easiest per say. Go to a school that reflects where you want to be hired. BOOM that hit me like a ton of bricks, my passion is to teach inner city kids,  title one schools, however all my volunteer work has been in A* schools. I was realizing what a detriment I was doing to myself and future students. Literally I felt as if God stared me down and whispered these simple words, what are you preparing for. Your preparation and planning is not for the plans I have for you. Your learning about a job I have not prepared for you.

Now noted this epiphany is still dawning on me as I type, so I apologize if the flow of this post took a little turn. I will save this for another post but a main note God IS Good He reveals to those whom seek answers, and for people like me you are reluctant to listen at times a nice tap to the back-o-the-head never hurt. ^_^.  To recap class was good than I got the unexpected text DUN DUN DUN. I take this time and moment to confess into the abyss of the internet, I AM A COWARD. Well a prevention specialist same difference. Last year I had a good chunk of people treat me like trash so once they all decided to leave, I passive aggressively deleted their numbers. Mind I also deleted people who I just don’t speak to as much as well figured throw out all the bath water. Anyway all I get in the text is Hi stranger :). That’s it so this does not help matters, so I send what I think is a clever message

“Hey …um apparently my phone has decided to hide ur identity regardless of which hi “friend” (I am currently assuming our friendship please adv if incorrect 😛 ” ***pats self on back*** I was all proud of myself, so I than let my mind wander and thought it was Eh (any questions concerning said character please see hyperlink) As I presume you are caught up, you now understand why my mood suddenly changed. Now note it was fortunately enough my friend Jacob whom I must see at some point before the semester ends. But I must admit a small tiny part of me wasn’t as excited it wasn’t him.

Now once realization of this error in life, I was really mad at myself, was I really so weak. I have completely forgotten everything that has happened.  and than once I had finally stopped being myself up I gave myself the chance to explain

See it not that I don’t remember what happened but I would like to pretend it never did, that would be so much simpler. Than nothing would be awkward. So the reason I’m not completely excited it wasn’t him is because it means I really won’t ever get the chance to pretend. Because if he had texted we could have joked, and I would have thoroughly convinced you to be who you used to be.

So upon reaching the conclusion of this inner struggle all the fight left me and I looked at the broken little girl I very rarely actually listen to and speak with. I looked on the small desire of my heart to run , and thanked God for the strength that allows me to not fall into old practices. Suffice to say I am glad that I admitted these things semi out loud.

The reason being bible study is tomorrow night now mind you I do not plan going any other time this semester as I will be ridiculously busy. Now he will be there and initially I did not want to go, mostly cause I hate the way I look and don’t really want anyone I know seeing me period. So after finishing this post I have no hesitations about going tomorrow night. I know I’m of a different mind, I’ve let the Trinity get a stronger grip on my life, so where I walk next God himself will have enter before me, assuring anything that happens will not be more than I can handle giving everything to him. So as the lights dim here at UCF I will still for a while more read a lovely ghost story as the lights grow dim and look forward to the rest of my life.

 

 

***If you are from somewhere that is not Florida, here we grade our schools based on a very diverse criteria Cough FCAT cough one exam Cough…. anyway the rankings are from A-F grading system and money is allotted for performance.

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Your Voice still Echoes

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This is one of my favorite bars in Leon, Spain. Flandes is the name of the place Carlos and Luis the masters behind the counter. Now I’m not a fan of spiked beverages per say, I do appreciate the show behind ever glass however, a good bartender keeps the liquid flowing and your tab open. He is ready with a joke, a tease, advice or a well placed look. It is truly an art to be behind a counter connecting with strangers at the drop of a hat.

Now back to the title, hopefully you watch the previous Gotye video, if not don’t worry I’ll wait…………::stretches::  sweet all done, (wipes tear) wasn’t it awesome. Well the reason I chose this song is it talks about letting go, but always remembering. That even when you go, something is left behind. The reason for my pensive thoughts on letting go is I recently watched The Vow , which was a alright film. Regardless of my opinion on the film it got me thinking. What if it was all gone, one day to the next (spoiler alert) four years of your life done away with like petals in the wind.

I think back to where I was four years ago, I hadn’t even graduated from my community college, fresh out of High school. Would I do things differently, or would I fall in the same pitfalls. Four years ago I didn’t have any of the friends who hurt me, I was dealing with a lot, while dealing with nothing at all. Part of me would like to forget the years that have past, but for every bad memory, there is a good one, every tear has a laugh behind it. And for ever friendship that ended badly an amazing bond forged. So at the end of it all I wouldn’t changed anything, because it’s all shaped who I am.

I may not completely know who I am. But the thing I do know is God loved me so much He died for me. Loved me so much he came undone. So I am loved, cherished, and purposely made. There are days the loss of who I should have been hurts more than I can bear, yet it reminds me of so many things. Though my identity isn’t quite clear, my foundation is firm, I am witty, sarcastic, loving, kind, spirited, and understanding. I’ve only learned this through every hard fought battle with myself as well as every ally I have made. It is because God has used the people who hurt me as well as those who’ve love me; to mold me. Making me a new creation, something greater than I could ever had planned, that His glory may shine.

So maybe the voice of my past still echoes, but in those tearful pleas I find my peace and in the laughter I find strength. Just because God is a part of my life, I would relive every breath, tear, hurt, and joy. In every moment His glory shines and there is nothing more precious to me than that.