Tag Archives: relationships

Lets talk about….

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Sex baby sorry, just watched Pitch perfect so that song is currently stuck in my head. But on the subject eh why the hell not talk about it everyone is either super touchy about it or way out there TMI all over the place. It’s half way to one and the family is asleep so on ward we go down the rabbit hole.

So I’ve never made love had sex, done the bom chicka bow wow (so many ways to say one thing) so I will not be imparting any details or one night trysts or long summers and dreamy men. Nope just the opposite I don’t understand some of the misconceptions about sex, now again I don’t claim to be an expert by any right but there are some things I do know.

1–It will be awesome ^_^, now I have been told the contrary via my thrice divorced co-worker which leads to fact–

2– You will not always be awesome doing “it’ I mean you definitely want a high average but there will be hits and definite misses.

3–Sex and intimacy are very distinct things one does not drag along the other, nor is intimacy a guaranteed pair with sex. However once intimacy is cultivated and blossoms it takes things to another level.

4–Intimacy+love+patience= awesomeness. I mean I assume, each of those things are awesome so you kind of have to assume together they make sex better.

5–What I am more referring to is making love versus sex. Sex is now a word used to strip away the act of the romance the complexity and make it well plainly biological.

Well those are the things I know and will be willing to share about sex on the internet. Now this topic usually leads me into the  next category the misconception on how girls think about sex. Now I will only speak for myself as the female nation has yet to vote me as the official spokeswoman. In tv there are only two versions of girls that tend to be out there, the ***blushes and never ever thinks about sex** or **the girl doing a keg stand in a bikini***. Now am I exaggerating probably but I oddly don’t feel represented in these categories, do I blush …Yes (even though I’m tan sigh) I really haven’t the foggiest idea what a keg stand is so not that. But on the other hand I think about marriage the guy I will spend the rest of my life “sleeping” with and sometimes not  necessarily in that order.

The other day I literally I looked up from studying and was like this be a perfect moment to take an adult break, maybe its me but I like the idea or knowing one day there will be this guy who totally loves me and I him, and we get do it like whenever, no pressure,  no… will he call, just security and love. Now my co-worker referenced above says sex is nothing like this to which I said “that’s cause you were doing it wrong”. Maybe I hold the biggest misconception of all… that sex is more than five minutes (if your lucky) of biological needs being met. But in all honesty, if it is not the merging of physical need , cementing the heart and soul with the sprinkle of blush worthy moments. Than what is the point?

Technically

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Technically I should be asleep. I should be preparing to wake up in the next few hours, refreshed and clear headed. However I am not, since  I have a few thoughts tangled up in my mind that I’d like to jot down.

Firstly I am so swapped with school and work right now I see myself  slipping into old habits. Its like when you say something dumb but its too late. However it is not too late and I plan on fixing the sitution this week so it doesn’t hurt the rest of my semester.

Secondly my brother and I are buying a house. I say this without having begun the process but am seeing more and more that this is what God is leaning our family towards. This is a big grown up step. Like BAM your not a kid you own a home deal with your self. It has not fully sunk in, I’m very nervous and excited.

Thirdly (?) I had a break down recently where I was in an argument with my mom and insta-cried and I knew it had nothing to do with the issue at hand. So I had to take a deep breath and remember where I was. That has never happened to me and was quite unnerving. I don’t know if I should be proud I stopped myself or scared there is still that much raw emotion from my childhood. I really went to a place I rarely go, I pretend it doesn’t exist therefore it doesn’t matter. Now it seems that is not going to work I pray that God helps me not to snap on those I love.

Fourthly (?) there is a cute guy at my bible study. ^_^ I mean he is like 12 (20) cough finally cough. Joking, my point being there aren’t many cute christian guys I know this is superficial and yes judge me for it I know I’m not the creme of the crop. It’s just nice to see cute guys in the faith is all. Mind you it may also have to do with I didn’t place him in insta you are my friend zone. As due to my insecurity I do this with almost all of my guy friends. Not that they would mind they are all younger than me regardless. But I have a terrible tendency to treat everyone as a child. As I know how to cope with children, and I find people my own age not very adult like. Which is why I find myself getting along with fringe characters, sort of people(transformers) who are more than meets the eye. And I actually proactive spoke with above referenced guy without provacation. Mind you it’s not like I’m awaiting to date him, it’s just very out of the norm for me to begin conversations with persons of the male persuasion on my own. So this was very fasincating.

Fifthly (?) I wish I were a completely different person every time I wake up, but it’s beginning to wiegh on me more now as I get older and there is less time to change

So I think that’s about it a lot more stuff is running around but sleep she waits for no one and I must catch her. So thanks for paying any mind at all to this, and type at you soon. Oh also shoot me any Q’ you have and give you some A’s for your troubles thanks.

Clarity Among the Smog covered Sky

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So I know, you’ve all been waiting on bated breath for my next post, ……..PREPARE YOURSELF, it will be the most usual un-extraordinary thing you read today.  However I don’t presume to know how much excitement you get daily. Anyway now that we’ve greeted one another let’s get to it.

                As you may have noticed I have not kept up with the predetermined structure of things, I have decided I am too disorganized to place my thoughts on specific days. I honestly attempted to and I tip my hat to those who are able to succeed where I have failed. So this basically just means all the topics I listed will be addressed just whenever I want or all at once. This is feeling like an all or nothing post

                So firstly I just finished moving back home to have the mortgage company say time to pack up. Sigh it has and will be a daunting time. We had our first garage sale ever and I can proudly state we made 186 dollars ^_^. That may seem like chump change but I was excited as we were going to throw all this stuff away due to downsizing. So this whole situation has been mellowing my family out majorly which is understandable. My way to cope is to wade through and attempt to tackle something that does not require me to really do anything but is socially acceptable to complain about while doing nothing.

                And that ladies and gents (classy right 😉 brings us to dating. Now I tend to think of this subject when I have way more important stuff to think about. This is called deflection kiddos, which works well. Now I won’t say everyone around me is dating cause they aren’t, so no comparing. The thing that bugged me is I went out looking like this todayImageand not a single date in my entire life. Mind you I don’t count creepy cat calls, as adoration from the males of our species. Now I don’t mean that I’m surprised that men saw all this awesomeness (note heavy sarcasm,) and weren’t tripping over themselves. What I mean is I’m a half well adjusted girl with a shoulder bag of issues no more and am still eating sushi wondering why I’m single.

                Mind I know that I am single because I’m not ready for a real relationship and God is trying to save me from heartache, but it’s like when your mom won’t let you play on the street with the cars. Mom keeps staying we will be going to a park full of swings, it will be fun you just have to wait until we’re ready to leave. Mean while as a kid your just thinking yea the parks great, but how come all those kids get to play on the street, why don’t they have to wait, yes it dangerous, yes it’s not as cool as the park but is there now. That’s how I feel like I want to settle.  Now please mind this any gents reading this I am not demeaning you by comparing you to playing around and apologize for any offense beforehand.

                What I mean by all this is my impatience gets the better of me. More so when I have terrible things happening to me, I have an innate need for the scales to tip. Yes I have to move again have no stability when I attempting college again, have my student loans threatening to send me to collections because I haven’t been a good little student, but hey I get to go hang out with someone and forget all of it. Pretend I’m carefree, make out breath, and live in the moment. However relationships only exist that way in a 90min movie or AMV.  I want a snapshot of happiness amongst everything.

                Now mind you I am extremely blessed, beyond words, so I know for me this sucks, it could be worse. It can get worse, if it like to but at the end of the day I have God. So yeah I have to work harder at walking up every morning. And maybe I cry more than I like, but at the end of it all I have someone to lean into, that loves me. So I’ll let him worry about it.  I will give my worries to my Savior and lose control. Just let His will be done. Change the things I can and accept those that are unchangeable. 

pssss: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE PICS SMALL GRRRR!!!!

Your Voice still Echoes

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This is one of my favorite bars in Leon, Spain. Flandes is the name of the place Carlos and Luis the masters behind the counter. Now I’m not a fan of spiked beverages per say, I do appreciate the show behind ever glass however, a good bartender keeps the liquid flowing and your tab open. He is ready with a joke, a tease, advice or a well placed look. It is truly an art to be behind a counter connecting with strangers at the drop of a hat.

Now back to the title, hopefully you watch the previous Gotye video, if not don’t worry I’ll wait…………::stretches::  sweet all done, (wipes tear) wasn’t it awesome. Well the reason I chose this song is it talks about letting go, but always remembering. That even when you go, something is left behind. The reason for my pensive thoughts on letting go is I recently watched The Vow , which was a alright film. Regardless of my opinion on the film it got me thinking. What if it was all gone, one day to the next (spoiler alert) four years of your life done away with like petals in the wind.

I think back to where I was four years ago, I hadn’t even graduated from my community college, fresh out of High school. Would I do things differently, or would I fall in the same pitfalls. Four years ago I didn’t have any of the friends who hurt me, I was dealing with a lot, while dealing with nothing at all. Part of me would like to forget the years that have past, but for every bad memory, there is a good one, every tear has a laugh behind it. And for ever friendship that ended badly an amazing bond forged. So at the end of it all I wouldn’t changed anything, because it’s all shaped who I am.

I may not completely know who I am. But the thing I do know is God loved me so much He died for me. Loved me so much he came undone. So I am loved, cherished, and purposely made. There are days the loss of who I should have been hurts more than I can bear, yet it reminds me of so many things. Though my identity isn’t quite clear, my foundation is firm, I am witty, sarcastic, loving, kind, spirited, and understanding. I’ve only learned this through every hard fought battle with myself as well as every ally I have made. It is because God has used the people who hurt me as well as those who’ve love me; to mold me. Making me a new creation, something greater than I could ever had planned, that His glory may shine.

So maybe the voice of my past still echoes, but in those tearful pleas I find my peace and in the laughter I find strength. Just because God is a part of my life, I would relive every breath, tear, hurt, and joy. In every moment His glory shines and there is nothing more precious to me than that.

****Rant****

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So I figured I should forewarn that this post will sound mostly like a huge complaint. Full of sighs, I really wish I wasn’t feeling the things that I am, but I keep denying it so I figured I should get everything off my chest once. That is while telling everyone and no one at all. So it concerns a friend, lets call him Eh! (kind of just went on a NY accent run). So Eh and I have first met about 2 yrs or so ago. He was a good friend, I just trusted him more than I should and made the hugest mistake I ever could…. I started “liking” him. An error of judgement I have regretted and not regretted all at the same time.

Our friendship was fine, nothing to write home about, than he found out I liked him…. cue awkwardness. I really didn’t care it was my first crush so not a Nicholas Sparks novel, I liked him he was nice, witty, and seeks God. Than it all went wrong, I still don’t really know what it was. He’s a great guy just not for me to be friends with, at least not close friends. One day we’re thick as thieves, than I’m getting disowned by friends left and right. I’m not going to lie I was pissed, Eh said I had changed I was ruining our friendship, that we should talk. But we never did cause he never really wanted to, he just wanted me to fix things. The day I knew we couldn’t be friends should have been when he forced me to lie than threw it back in my face when I tried to make it right. However it was on a trip heading back home from a conference, I was having an emotional moment with God, crying and he kept tapping me as I was praying, to ask me to be on he side while he was flirting with a girl. At that moment began my short  fuse of tolerance, it would take me a few more months for it all to sink in.

So I let it go, he’d tried to act like nothing every happened tried to be like we were before, but he has a gf and I have rules. If your my guy friend and you are in a relationship, I don’t hang out alone with you, I don’t seek you out first in a group of friends and much less so when you know I liked you once upon a time. So the  reason for this rant is he said just one phrase while he and some of my friends and I were hanging out. One phrase ticked me off….. You know you’ve missed this……………WHAT REALLY I MISS WHAT **breathes*** being ignored from time to time, toyed with, know you had no concern for me, talked at, the target for snide comments. Yes how could I not miss these things. But at the end of the day I’m not even really mad, I’m more sad. Sad I wasted time, sad that I’m still wasting time. That a glance from him can show me all my insecurities. That I triple guess myself, that I let it have any space in my life.

I lost a friend, and that what I miss. I miss having a friend even if it was only in my head. I’m done thinking about it, what I could have changed. And so I wish I could just look him in the eye and say

” I am going to say some things you are not going to like. Let me get all the way to end before you say anything. After you hear what I have to say, should we never speak, at the junction I am currently at  in life I would be okay with that” deep breath” “You have hurt me, not a pain that will end my world, but a pain that will and has ended our friendship. I forgive you regardless if you don’t think you’ve done anything in error. I just can’t handle the nonchalant attitude. Friendships should consist of  each friend building on another up, and by that definitions we are not friends. So when we hang out socially don’t bring up times we used to hang out by ourselves, don’t corner me again, and respect my distance. I respect you as a person, but the only way I can respect you as any sort of friend is by you just leaving me be. You don’t want to fix our friendship, so please spare me the mediocre show and dance. Lets lead separate lives that just happen to meet up on a Sunday night from time to time.” That’s it no tears, no screams just those words, maybe one tear would fall I’d salute him a goodbye and drive away.

I guess that is the saddest part of all of this, this guy I thought worried, cared, and respected me, didn’t. The friend I couldn’t wait to talk to now is the person my stomach turns when I know he’s in a room I’m about to enter. It’s weird how life turns out, one year I want to occupy your mind and now I wished I’d wouldn’t have wasted so much time. But I learned so much, I grew through the tribulations and trials, and for that I thank  God for you. I wouldn’t change a single thing about how this has ended, God has taught me lessons I don’t ever want to forget. I won’t ever say these  things I feel so I throw the bottle out to sea, and pray the tide brings in healing waters. I’m ready to look forward to see what God sees in me. And this is a part of the things that are holding me back. So this is me letting go. To anyone out there reading this, I’m sorry if it wasn’t the thing you were looking for, and hope I didn’t waste too much of your time.