Tag Archives: rant

Technically

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Technically I should be asleep. I should be preparing to wake up in the next few hours, refreshed and clear headed. However I am not, since  I have a few thoughts tangled up in my mind that I’d like to jot down.

Firstly I am so swapped with school and work right now I see myself  slipping into old habits. Its like when you say something dumb but its too late. However it is not too late and I plan on fixing the sitution this week so it doesn’t hurt the rest of my semester.

Secondly my brother and I are buying a house. I say this without having begun the process but am seeing more and more that this is what God is leaning our family towards. This is a big grown up step. Like BAM your not a kid you own a home deal with your self. It has not fully sunk in, I’m very nervous and excited.

Thirdly (?) I had a break down recently where I was in an argument with my mom and insta-cried and I knew it had nothing to do with the issue at hand. So I had to take a deep breath and remember where I was. That has never happened to me and was quite unnerving. I don’t know if I should be proud I stopped myself or scared there is still that much raw emotion from my childhood. I really went to a place I rarely go, I pretend it doesn’t exist therefore it doesn’t matter. Now it seems that is not going to work I pray that God helps me not to snap on those I love.

Fourthly (?) there is a cute guy at my bible study. ^_^ I mean he is like 12 (20) cough finally cough. Joking, my point being there aren’t many cute christian guys I know this is superficial and yes judge me for it I know I’m not the creme of the crop. It’s just nice to see cute guys in the faith is all. Mind you it may also have to do with I didn’t place him in insta you are my friend zone. As due to my insecurity I do this with almost all of my guy friends. Not that they would mind they are all younger than me regardless. But I have a terrible tendency to treat everyone as a child. As I know how to cope with children, and I find people my own age not very adult like. Which is why I find myself getting along with fringe characters, sort of people(transformers) who are more than meets the eye. And I actually proactive spoke with above referenced guy without provacation. Mind you it’s not like I’m awaiting to date him, it’s just very out of the norm for me to begin conversations with persons of the male persuasion on my own. So this was very fasincating.

Fifthly (?) I wish I were a completely different person every time I wake up, but it’s beginning to wiegh on me more now as I get older and there is less time to change

So I think that’s about it a lot more stuff is running around but sleep she waits for no one and I must catch her. So thanks for paying any mind at all to this, and type at you soon. Oh also shoot me any Q’ you have and give you some A’s for your troubles thanks.

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****Rant****

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So I figured I should forewarn that this post will sound mostly like a huge complaint. Full of sighs, I really wish I wasn’t feeling the things that I am, but I keep denying it so I figured I should get everything off my chest once. That is while telling everyone and no one at all. So it concerns a friend, lets call him Eh! (kind of just went on a NY accent run). So Eh and I have first met about 2 yrs or so ago. He was a good friend, I just trusted him more than I should and made the hugest mistake I ever could…. I started “liking” him. An error of judgement I have regretted and not regretted all at the same time.

Our friendship was fine, nothing to write home about, than he found out I liked him…. cue awkwardness. I really didn’t care it was my first crush so not a Nicholas Sparks novel, I liked him he was nice, witty, and seeks God. Than it all went wrong, I still don’t really know what it was. He’s a great guy just not for me to be friends with, at least not close friends. One day we’re thick as thieves, than I’m getting disowned by friends left and right. I’m not going to lie I was pissed, Eh said I had changed I was ruining our friendship, that we should talk. But we never did cause he never really wanted to, he just wanted me to fix things. The day I knew we couldn’t be friends should have been when he forced me to lie than threw it back in my face when I tried to make it right. However it was on a trip heading back home from a conference, I was having an emotional moment with God, crying and he kept tapping me as I was praying, to ask me to be on he side while he was flirting with a girl. At that moment began my short  fuse of tolerance, it would take me a few more months for it all to sink in.

So I let it go, he’d tried to act like nothing every happened tried to be like we were before, but he has a gf and I have rules. If your my guy friend and you are in a relationship, I don’t hang out alone with you, I don’t seek you out first in a group of friends and much less so when you know I liked you once upon a time. So the  reason for this rant is he said just one phrase while he and some of my friends and I were hanging out. One phrase ticked me off….. You know you’ve missed this……………WHAT REALLY I MISS WHAT **breathes*** being ignored from time to time, toyed with, know you had no concern for me, talked at, the target for snide comments. Yes how could I not miss these things. But at the end of the day I’m not even really mad, I’m more sad. Sad I wasted time, sad that I’m still wasting time. That a glance from him can show me all my insecurities. That I triple guess myself, that I let it have any space in my life.

I lost a friend, and that what I miss. I miss having a friend even if it was only in my head. I’m done thinking about it, what I could have changed. And so I wish I could just look him in the eye and say

” I am going to say some things you are not going to like. Let me get all the way to end before you say anything. After you hear what I have to say, should we never speak, at the junction I am currently at  in life I would be okay with that” deep breath” “You have hurt me, not a pain that will end my world, but a pain that will and has ended our friendship. I forgive you regardless if you don’t think you’ve done anything in error. I just can’t handle the nonchalant attitude. Friendships should consist of  each friend building on another up, and by that definitions we are not friends. So when we hang out socially don’t bring up times we used to hang out by ourselves, don’t corner me again, and respect my distance. I respect you as a person, but the only way I can respect you as any sort of friend is by you just leaving me be. You don’t want to fix our friendship, so please spare me the mediocre show and dance. Lets lead separate lives that just happen to meet up on a Sunday night from time to time.” That’s it no tears, no screams just those words, maybe one tear would fall I’d salute him a goodbye and drive away.

I guess that is the saddest part of all of this, this guy I thought worried, cared, and respected me, didn’t. The friend I couldn’t wait to talk to now is the person my stomach turns when I know he’s in a room I’m about to enter. It’s weird how life turns out, one year I want to occupy your mind and now I wished I’d wouldn’t have wasted so much time. But I learned so much, I grew through the tribulations and trials, and for that I thank  God for you. I wouldn’t change a single thing about how this has ended, God has taught me lessons I don’t ever want to forget. I won’t ever say these  things I feel so I throw the bottle out to sea, and pray the tide brings in healing waters. I’m ready to look forward to see what God sees in me. And this is a part of the things that are holding me back. So this is me letting go. To anyone out there reading this, I’m sorry if it wasn’t the thing you were looking for, and hope I didn’t waste too much of your time.