That awkward moment everyone else is asleep and I’m here wide awake. I don’t know what my last update was and I don’t feel tye need to reminisce about it. Ever since I stopped counseling I’ve had terrible bouts of insomnia and spacing out. I’m trying to ground myself but it doesn’t seem to be working. I feel like everything is moving forwardn and I’m a hundred steps back. I wish I could catch up but I don’t know where to go. I’m always in conflict wanting two opposites at onc the lack of sleep doesn’t help. 3am staying up makes me sleep in late and I lose another day. Also temptation set in I fight with not watching hentai and yes girls deal with battling sex too we dont have a support group. I can’t walk up to my friends who can’t even talk about sex and ask them tk hold me accountable to not wat hentai. If you don’t know what it is don’t wiki it that was my first step. Anyway off topic that was never there it ls ben rough, my mom’s friend and my old boss died last week @45 left his wife and 3yr old daughter. Which also has me on edge I do not deal with death well I shut down and just look for things I can do to help, but I don’t cry I can’t it drains what little self control i have left. Sorry for the mess I’ll try and be more coherent next time. And so I will leave you with the last words my pseudo uncle left his wife: Di I love you so much and I love our daughter so much but I feel this heavy need to sleep, I’m sorry I love you but I have to sleep I’m so tired….
So I got this off my friends site and figure why not fill it out.
- 0: height:5’3
- 1: age: over 21 younger than 26
- 2: shoe size: I don’t know why this question makes me not want to answer the rest of the questions
- 3: do you smoke: ….No
- 4: do you drink: Yes, on occasion
- 5: do you take drugs: No
- 6: age you get mistaken for: 18
- 7: have tattoos: No
- 8: want any tattoos: Yes at least one
- 9: got any piercings: Just the regularly two
- 10: want any piercings: Nope
- 11: best friend: Jesus
- 12: relationship status: Single
- 13: biggest turn ons: Confidence, Humor, Kindness,
- 14: biggest turn offs: Arrogance, mean spirit
- 15: favorite movie: Lord of the Rings
- 16: i’ll love you if: You love my family
- 17: someone you miss: My grandma
- 18: most traumatic experience: Childhood
- 19: a fact about your personality:
- 20: what i hate most about myself: Loaded question,hmm my ability to talk myself out of almost everything
- 21: what i love most about myself: My ability to smile through the hard stuff
- 22: what i want to be when i get older: Stronger, content, and passionate.
- 23: my relationship with my sibling(s): Awesome I love them
- 24: my relationship with my parent(s): With my mom great with my dad not so great
- 25: my idea of a perfect date: Something simple like watching tv or just hanging out, as long as the night is full of laughs I’m game for anything.
- 26: my biggest pet peeves: Mood killers
- 27: a description of the girl/boy i like:……I don’t currently like anyone…..
- 28: a description of the person i dislike the most: hahaha I try not dislike anyone
- 29: a reason i’ve lied to a friend: Insecurity
- 30: what i hate the most about work/school: Going to work daily
- 31: what your last text message says: Sweet
- 32: what words upset me the most: what you think doesn’t matter. That sentence takes my form 0 to 60
- 33: what words make me feel the best about myself: I really see Christ in you day to day
- 34: what i find attractive in women:umm girls who can rock classy looks I think that so awesome
- 35: what i find attractive in men: Eyes and smile
- 36: where i would like to live: NYC or Leon, Spain
- 37: one of my insecurities: Image
- 38: my childhood career choice: Chef Assassin
- 39: my favorite ice cream flavor: Mint Chocolate Chip
- 40: who I wish I could be: I know it cliche but I’d just be a slightly different version of me
- 41: where i want to be right now: Spain
- 42: the last thing i ate: Hamburger
- 43: sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately:Ryan Reynolds I don’t know why but he is the first.
- 44: a random fact about anything: In scott pilgrim versus the world it takes Michael Cera 35 takes to throw an amazon package into a trash can
So these past six days have been okay execpt for two exceptionally rough days. Scratch that waiting 4hrs for a n oil change isn’t that bad. So yesterday I had a mini panic attack at work, which is not fun or great and today I’m still trying to deal. I was supposed to be able to speak with my counselor but apparently she has a new client with my name. And at the end of june she can’t take my ins. Sigh all of which do not make anything better. Now I just effectively fired her so there’s that. Long story short ing regards to my work place crying fail. My boss was on his way to leave and all I asked was Hey did you get my email (my job owes me two hrs overtime) I say the onr about my hrs. This offends him apparently he gets made gets in personal space and tells me to show him the email and explain my math to him I am visibly annoyed because he has taken a simple question and blown it out of portion. He tells me pay roll said they can’t fix it and they not paying and basically not gonna explain it to me. I advise I’ll just sit with Hr and have them explain it to whuch he states is a waste of time. Another sup gets involed I start having breating issue and crying cause I two people hovering over me and my male supervisor walking around like a fight about to start. It was a lot this went on for 30 minutes the last half hour of my swift was be attempted to control my anxiety while making my supervisor feel good about himself. Sigh
Luckily today was better and the weekend is around the corner. The main reason I was able to calm done is praying and knowing that this event was definitely trying to undo the great work I’m doing in healing from my abuse, and I just thank God that even though I can’t bear it He is always looking out for me and if obstacles are being set I know I’m walking down the right path. So God bless and thanks for tuning in
So I just got the Samsung galaxy three, which means instead of a slide I now have a phone that connects to the internet which in theory is supposed to make life easier. So far it’s just a phone that stops boredom during breaks at work.
So anyway let’s catch up on my life since the last time I posted. I have a dog now black ladlb and sheperd mix. I painted my entire floor after ripping up the carpet. Its been a rough couple of months, but on the bright side I found a great conselor l, who has been helping me a lot. Since this has been a really tough time I’ve disconnected from my friends. Most people (or at least the ones I have in my head to judge myself by) lean into their friends and loved ones at times such as these me I’m just weird and sxcared, sad, angry, and lost. I’m leaning on God a lot more and that has been helping. Also my counselor has really gotten to the meat of my issues, which is scary and fantastic all at once.
She told me I could either fight the hard battle ahead of me or wait until I have children and deal with it than. I’m choosing now versus later which is super weird cause I am a hard-core procrastinator but I am tired of pretending to be okay I wante to BE OKAY.
Also I want to date I’m 23 and never been on a single date. Now I’ve always sad it’s because I’m overweight but that’s not entirely true, for instance on Valentine’s day random stranger asks me out while Im pumping gas. But I’m very standoff with guys if any random guy compliments me automatic creeper card ( though gas station guy definitely creepy). Also I know myself I’m not gonna date a bunch before settling down, I want quality not quantity. But as of right now I’m to broken for love to last but as I lean into God his takes my broken pieces and makes me whole so there is the update. Another post will come soon
I would like to go on the record as stating that this may have actual been an okay week. Mind you that may not be monumental to you but it weighs significantly in my realm of being. Though as I think back maybe it’s more sad than good by other standards.
Monday I went to the psychiatrist as you may have dawned on from previous posts, I may perchance dabble in carrying baggage. Any who, I figured I have insurance now so I’ll put my big girl pants on and go, see what this unbiased third party has to say. I picked a christian one cause I don’t know why I think they would be less, here take this drug, maybe it’s the random rude comments people have made to me about not praying my problems away (note to self see if one can pray away a broken nose). So back on track my Dr. sits me down and asks me why I’m there etc, and to explain if anything makes me nervous. I was like sweet she not looking at me like I’m a crazy person maybe I’m not as bad as I think, maybe I can deal with my issues by not dealing with them…..I should have known better. I will paraphrase the words that now have me on Zoloft (generic) and taking a battery of blood tests.
“Well I get nervous in crowds. When I sit in a room full of people my back needs to be against the wall. I need to know where the exits are. I don’t like walking in front of the group I’m in. When walking around campus I don’t like direct eye contact with people. People make me nervous, it takes a big effort to be around my friends. I mean I would think just guys make me nervous but it’s people in general. Oh and I tend to be angry more than I probably should be. “
DR: how about your sleeping patterns
“I have to take two 500mcg b-12 to go to bed it’s the only thing that gets me to sleep. This statement is what got me the battery of test and my doctor stating that is the weirdest thing she’s every heard.
I mean I knew I need an anti depressant, but is it wrong I really wanted her to be like “You are totally okay, we just need to tweak when you go to sleep and eat more veggie’s and you are good to go.
Tuesday (skipped class ^_^)
V-day: made it to class, and random creeper tries to get my number at gas station. The reason this added to my week is not cause I was like OM gosh like he totally that I was like all that and the bag of chips” but more “Om gosh I have a totally random story to break the ice with when I meet my friend later.
Today I cleaned my room and am heavily behind in homework, but hey my rooms clean, and everyone in my family is healthy for the most part, Jesus loves, I got to read the bible and do devotions all week, so yeah overall not the worst week. But hey that’s my opinion, Expect more updates as I try to start dealing with my rocky childhood, while on medication, working FT and going to school. Only God could save me know
Every been kissed in a dream so well, you had to wake up to make sure it wasn’t real. If not I have not decided if it is something that can be missed or if I should recommend it. See I’ve never been kissed so how it compares I wouldn’t be able to tell you regardless. I guess I’ll share the dream with you since nobody’s listening.
So a scientist/doctor is experimenting with spatial time travel, figuring if one can move a town through space it could save numerous lives. This was in reaction to the fact we were always too late for some train of events, who should deem to use this had not been ironed out as of yet. Really it was like copying a group of people cutting and pasting them somewhere else. The trouble with this is the space the people are moved to must be of equal of more spatially than where they were coming from. Hence the first experiments in Iowa, in a weird town. I enter the scene of what seems to be my family leaving a home that may not have been ours. I deduce this my the fact we were exiting through the window and leaving booby traps. Fast forward a bit and I’m left wandering following a small cat and puppy who I snatched before ditching our previous habitat. I seem unconcerned by the lack of people on the streets, an though I know I have no idea where I am, I know where to go. I enter a home that has an ample kitchen sofa and dining in one area with one door on the parallel wall. I don’t know why but everything in my being tells me not to go through that door. I eat what seems to be empanadas, I stare at the door pretending not to show I am determined not to go through. I have the oddest sense the entire time of being watched and knowing my family at one point has passed through here. I lay on the couch and sleep. Blissful it is not I am jolted to face the doctor/scientist (his name escapes me) he tells me, he has my family and they are trapped and prisoners, and will remain so unless….. he is showing me them through the only remaining door on the wall (again I have the strange sense in my dream they used to be four one for each member of my family) but as I peer through they are just rag dolls on little chairs. At this point I see the man’s nervousness. An he begins to ramble to himself “it wasn’t supposed to be this way, cut and paste why isn’t there a paper clip to help me now. gah what to do what to do , this must be a side effect, there’s is no where to paste her where to paste her.”
Me:OKAY what is up your mumbling is getting on my nerves.
Doc: Yes.. yes sorry dear take a seat and open the fridge it will show you images that may jog your memory. I do as told and a picture or a terrible crash about to happen is shown there are multiple people scattered and at first I feel I’m the girl there chasing after the cat. and decide that is whom I must be.
Doc: I will introduce you to someone “COME OUT this mostly your fault interfering always butting in, out comes this guy 23 or 24 tall, white, lean to muscular build think Joseph Gordon Levitt, I stare at him feeling like I should know him yet nothing comes to mind.
Guy: stumbles in gah who are you guys, why am I here what happened to my clothes *stares at my face* you your the reason, let me go don’t make me do this I want to go home, *falls to his knees*
At this point me and the doc are equally perplexed, out comes this figure who picks up the sniveling guy shakes him mumbles “how could you embarrass me like this gah why do I tinker and work” and promptly pushes the “man” onto the floor, said mention fellow unceremoniously changes to a rat and scurries away.
“Real” Guy: I truly am sorry sometimes you try and do things and they sometimes my fail. He smirks at me one of those smirks that makes you wonder what exactly he is smirking about.
Doc: what did you do why is she here we were supposed to place the town right back the way we found it. Nothing more or less, exactly the same.
Guy: hey I’m not the one running around making edits before doing a head count, how was I supposed to know she wouldn’t go back. (he slid a look my way that implied very much he knew that was exactly what would happen.
Now I didn’t exactly not like the way this particular gentleman was looking at me but thought it highly inappropriate to the picture I had of myself in my mind of 12 years old with mitten and pigtails.
Doc: Sigh your confusing the poor girl, you could have at least let her know what you were doing before blocking the cut. Turns to me wiping his glasses, well it seems you may be stuck here with us so I may as well begin to explain myself and the events that have occurred the photo you see is a picture of the town you previously occupied that was pasted here so some corrections could be made to their homes then pasted back. You’ve all lived here these few years unknowingly, however since we do not know the full effects of keeping you here we needed to send you promptly back. however before doing so there was some commotion and some people (shoots look at the Guy now grinning widely) deemed they needed to tinker with things. So we were able to transfer everyone to exact time and space needed, however you weren’t accounted for and since I have made several edits to the town I am unable to send you along, as well you are no longer formatted to your town.
Me: But my mom and and wait did I have a mom right of course I mean I’m 12 can’t exactly be going around the world alone. feel them both looking at me with strange looks.
Guy: Love you might need to glance at the fridge a few more times make sure you find yourself before your brain does a number on you.
I glance at the picture and now see Guy there blocking of a 22 yr old girl dark hair, staring at the little girl in front of her pigtails flying chancing a cat and puppy as they jump into the dark haired girls arms. I than glance closer and realize I’m wearing the same clothes as her, I look down further examining my features and realize I am most definitely not the 12 yr girl. A memory flashes: me rushes to class passing by Guy and looking down as I hurry to class, walking home and glancing up to see him tipping his imaginary hat to me. Another girl, Guy and myself, chuckling to ourselves before our psych class. Guy and my close friend in close confidence, and a deep chocking feeling.
Doc:Cough… my dear you may want to take a seat and um adjust your um.
Me: I looked up wide eyed what…what… shaking myself out of my last thought.
Guy: Gosh, doc now I got to be all chivalrous while you ruin my show, love your shirt is revealing a little more than the doc feels you might be comfortable with, but I say be rebellious and prove him wrong **winks**.
Time Flashes Forward scenes quickly pass through watching towns on the fridge, hanging out with Guy and chatting with the Doc about the reasons he should begin further research with smaller items and work back up to towns, like starting with thinks people won’t be suspicious about disappearing and showing up again.
Than it settles back on Guy and I acting out a play, I have a veil on and have demurely read my part to perfection where out of nowhere he kisses me through my veil.
Me: Hey :pushes back: that is most definitely not your line I lift my veil.
He kisses me again…. I push him back a little later…
Guy: Fine, Fine oh Rosalind your alabaster is so alabaster and attempts to kiss me again
Me: We are doing Romeo and Juliet is there a Rosalind in this one
He than shoots me a look that says, Really, I could stop trying to kiss you. I blush and apparently regain my sense. and let him kiss me. The dream slows, time ticking past as he just looks at me with that look of triumph, reverence, and a solemn glance of promise that this will not be the last time he kisses me this way.
And than I woke up, alone and with what I assume was a dreamy smirk. Cause when I rolled out of bed I had one of those I accomplished a lot today looks. And the very vivid memory of this dream. So there it is I don’t know what to say, it wasn’t a smutty dream, at least not to me sorry if you thought it was. It was like watching and being part of a very intriguing film. It was much more vivid in my mind the scenery I really can’t place into words. But I can elaborate on any other specifics if you like just shoot me a comment.