Tag Archives: past

Technically

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Technically I should be asleep. I should be preparing to wake up in the next few hours, refreshed and clear headed. However I am not, since  I have a few thoughts tangled up in my mind that I’d like to jot down.

Firstly I am so swapped with school and work right now I see myself  slipping into old habits. Its like when you say something dumb but its too late. However it is not too late and I plan on fixing the sitution this week so it doesn’t hurt the rest of my semester.

Secondly my brother and I are buying a house. I say this without having begun the process but am seeing more and more that this is what God is leaning our family towards. This is a big grown up step. Like BAM your not a kid you own a home deal with your self. It has not fully sunk in, I’m very nervous and excited.

Thirdly (?) I had a break down recently where I was in an argument with my mom and insta-cried and I knew it had nothing to do with the issue at hand. So I had to take a deep breath and remember where I was. That has never happened to me and was quite unnerving. I don’t know if I should be proud I stopped myself or scared there is still that much raw emotion from my childhood. I really went to a place I rarely go, I pretend it doesn’t exist therefore it doesn’t matter. Now it seems that is not going to work I pray that God helps me not to snap on those I love.

Fourthly (?) there is a cute guy at my bible study. ^_^ I mean he is like 12 (20) cough finally cough. Joking, my point being there aren’t many cute christian guys I know this is superficial and yes judge me for it I know I’m not the creme of the crop. It’s just nice to see cute guys in the faith is all. Mind you it may also have to do with I didn’t place him in insta you are my friend zone. As due to my insecurity I do this with almost all of my guy friends. Not that they would mind they are all younger than me regardless. But I have a terrible tendency to treat everyone as a child. As I know how to cope with children, and I find people my own age not very adult like. Which is why I find myself getting along with fringe characters, sort of people(transformers) who are more than meets the eye. And I actually proactive spoke with above referenced guy without provacation. Mind you it’s not like I’m awaiting to date him, it’s just very out of the norm for me to begin conversations with persons of the male persuasion on my own. So this was very fasincating.

Fifthly (?) I wish I were a completely different person every time I wake up, but it’s beginning to wiegh on me more now as I get older and there is less time to change

So I think that’s about it a lot more stuff is running around but sleep she waits for no one and I must catch her. So thanks for paying any mind at all to this, and type at you soon. Oh also shoot me any Q’ you have and give you some A’s for your troubles thanks.

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Your Voice still Echoes

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This is one of my favorite bars in Leon, Spain. Flandes is the name of the place Carlos and Luis the masters behind the counter. Now I’m not a fan of spiked beverages per say, I do appreciate the show behind ever glass however, a good bartender keeps the liquid flowing and your tab open. He is ready with a joke, a tease, advice or a well placed look. It is truly an art to be behind a counter connecting with strangers at the drop of a hat.

Now back to the title, hopefully you watch the previous Gotye video, if not don’t worry I’ll wait…………::stretches::  sweet all done, (wipes tear) wasn’t it awesome. Well the reason I chose this song is it talks about letting go, but always remembering. That even when you go, something is left behind. The reason for my pensive thoughts on letting go is I recently watched The Vow , which was a alright film. Regardless of my opinion on the film it got me thinking. What if it was all gone, one day to the next (spoiler alert) four years of your life done away with like petals in the wind.

I think back to where I was four years ago, I hadn’t even graduated from my community college, fresh out of High school. Would I do things differently, or would I fall in the same pitfalls. Four years ago I didn’t have any of the friends who hurt me, I was dealing with a lot, while dealing with nothing at all. Part of me would like to forget the years that have past, but for every bad memory, there is a good one, every tear has a laugh behind it. And for ever friendship that ended badly an amazing bond forged. So at the end of it all I wouldn’t changed anything, because it’s all shaped who I am.

I may not completely know who I am. But the thing I do know is God loved me so much He died for me. Loved me so much he came undone. So I am loved, cherished, and purposely made. There are days the loss of who I should have been hurts more than I can bear, yet it reminds me of so many things. Though my identity isn’t quite clear, my foundation is firm, I am witty, sarcastic, loving, kind, spirited, and understanding. I’ve only learned this through every hard fought battle with myself as well as every ally I have made. It is because God has used the people who hurt me as well as those who’ve love me; to mold me. Making me a new creation, something greater than I could ever had planned, that His glory may shine.

So maybe the voice of my past still echoes, but in those tearful pleas I find my peace and in the laughter I find strength. Just because God is a part of my life, I would relive every breath, tear, hurt, and joy. In every moment His glory shines and there is nothing more precious to me than that.