Tag Archives: love

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That awkward moment everyone else is asleep and I’m here wide awake. I don’t know what my last update was and I don’t feel tye need to reminisce about it. Ever since I stopped counseling I’ve had terrible bouts of insomnia and spacing out. I’m trying to ground myself but it doesn’t seem to be working. I feel like everything is moving forwardn and I’m a hundred steps back. I wish I could catch up but I don’t know where to go. I’m always in conflict wanting two opposites at onc the lack of sleep doesn’t help. 3am staying up makes me sleep in late and I lose another day. Also temptation set in I fight with not watching hentai and yes girls deal with battling sex too we dont have a support group. I can’t walk up to my friends who can’t even talk about sex and ask them tk hold me accountable to not wat hentai. If you don’t know what it is don’t wiki it that was my first step. Anyway off topic that was never there it ls ben rough, my mom’s friend and my old boss died last week @45 left his wife and 3yr old daughter. Which also has me on edge I do not deal with death well I shut down and just look for things I can do to help, but I don’t cry I can’t it drains what little self control i have left. Sorry for the mess I’ll try and be more coherent next time. And so I will leave you with the last words my pseudo uncle left his wife: Di I love you so much and I love our daughter so much but I feel this heavy need to sleep, I’m sorry I love you but I have to sleep I’m so tired….

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Smart phone equals more quantity and perchance quality will follow

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So I just got the Samsung galaxy three, which means instead of a slide I now have a phone that connects to the internet which in theory is supposed to make life easier. So far it’s just a phone that stops boredom during breaks at work.
     So anyway let’s catch up on my life since the last time I posted. I have a dog now black ladlb and sheperd mix. I painted my entire floor after ripping up the carpet. Its been a rough couple of months,  but on the bright side I found a great conselor l, who has been helping me a lot. Since this has been a really tough time I’ve disconnected from my friends. Most people (or at least the ones I have in my head to judge myself by) lean into their friends and loved ones at times such as these me I’m just weird and sxcared, sad, angry, and lost. I’m leaning on God a lot more and that has been helping. Also my counselor has really gotten to the meat of my issues, which is scary and fantastic all at once.
She told me I could either fight the hard battle ahead of me or wait until I have children and deal with it than. I’m choosing now versus later which is super weird cause I am a hard-core procrastinator but I am tired of pretending to be okay I wante to BE OKAY.
Also I want to date I’m 23 and never been on a single date. Now I’ve always sad it’s because I’m overweight but that’s not entirely true, for instance on Valentine’s day random stranger asks me out while Im pumping gas. But I’m very standoff with guys if any random guy compliments me automatic creeper card ( though gas station guy definitely creepy). Also I know myself I’m not gonna date a bunch before settling down, I want quality not quantity.  But as of right now I’m to broken for love to last but as I lean into God his takes my broken pieces and makes me whole so there is the update. Another post will come soon

The Kiss

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Every been kissed in a dream so well, you had to wake up to make sure it wasn’t real. If not I have not decided if it is something that can be missed or if I should recommend it. See I’ve never been kissed so how it compares I wouldn’t be able to tell you regardless. I guess I’ll share the dream with you since nobody’s listening.

So a scientist/doctor is experimenting with spatial time travel, figuring if one can move a town through space it could save numerous lives. This was in reaction to the fact we were always too late for some train of events, who should deem to use this had not been ironed out as of yet. Really it was like copying a group of people cutting and pasting them somewhere else. The trouble with this is the space the people are moved to must be of equal of more spatially than where they were coming from. Hence the first experiments in Iowa, in a weird town. I enter the scene of what seems to be my family leaving a home that may not have been ours. I deduce this my the fact we were exiting  through the window and leaving booby traps. Fast forward a bit and I’m left wandering following a small cat and puppy who I snatched before ditching our previous habitat. I seem unconcerned by the lack of people on the streets, an though I know I have no idea where I am, I know where to go. I enter a home that has an ample kitchen sofa and dining in one area with one door on the parallel wall. I don’t know why but everything in my being tells me not to go through that door. I eat what seems to be empanadas, I stare at the door pretending not to show I am determined not to go through. I have the oddest sense the entire time of being watched and knowing my family at one point has passed through here. I lay on the couch and sleep. Blissful it is not I am jolted to face the doctor/scientist (his name escapes me) he tells me, he has my family and they are trapped and prisoners, and will remain so unless….. he is showing me them through the only remaining door on the wall (again I have the strange sense in my dream they used to be four one for each member of my family) but as I peer through they are just rag dolls on little chairs. At this point I see the man’s nervousness. An he begins to ramble to himself “it wasn’t supposed to be this way, cut and paste why isn’t there a paper clip to help me now. gah what to do what to do , this must be a side effect, there’s is no where to paste her where to paste her.”

Me:OKAY what is up your mumbling is getting on my nerves.

Doc: Yes.. yes sorry dear take a seat and open the fridge it will show you images that may jog your memory. I do as told and a picture or a terrible crash about to happen is shown there are multiple people scattered and at first I feel I’m the girl there chasing after the cat. and decide that is whom I must be.

Doc: I will introduce you to someone “COME OUT this mostly your fault interfering always butting in, out comes this guy 23 or 24 tall, white, lean to muscular build think Joseph Gordon Levitt, I stare at him feeling like I should know him yet nothing comes to mind.

Guy: stumbles in gah who are you guys, why am I here what happened to my clothes *stares at my face* you your the reason, let me go don’t make me do this I want to go home, *falls to his knees*

At this point me and the doc are equally perplexed, out comes this figure who picks up the sniveling guy shakes him mumbles “how could you embarrass me like this gah why do I tinker and work” and promptly pushes the “man” onto the floor, said mention fellow unceremoniously changes to a rat and scurries away.

“Real” Guy: I truly am sorry sometimes you try and do things and they sometimes my fail. He smirks at me  one of those smirks that makes you wonder what exactly he is smirking about.

Doc: what did you do why is she here we were supposed to place the town right back the way we found it. Nothing more or less, exactly the same.

Guy: hey I’m not the one running around making edits before doing a head count, how was I supposed to know she wouldn’t go back. (he slid a look my way that implied very much he knew that was exactly what would happen.

Now I didn’t exactly not like the way this particular gentleman was looking at me but thought it highly inappropriate to the picture I had of myself in my mind of 12 years old with mitten and pigtails.

Doc: Sigh your confusing the poor girl, you could have at least let her know what you were doing before blocking the cut. Turns to me wiping his glasses, well it seems you may be stuck here with us so I may as well begin to explain myself and the events that have occurred the photo you see is a picture of the town you previously occupied that was pasted here so some corrections could be made to their homes then pasted back. You’ve all lived here these few years unknowingly, however since we do not know the full effects of keeping you here we needed to send you promptly back. however before doing so there was some commotion and some people (shoots look at the Guy now grinning widely) deemed they needed to tinker with things. So we were able to transfer everyone to exact time and space needed, however you weren’t accounted for and since I have made several edits to the town I am unable to send you along, as well you are no longer formatted to your town.

Me: But my mom and and wait did I have a mom right of course I mean I’m 12 can’t exactly be going  around the world  alone. feel them both looking at me with strange looks.

Guy: Love you might need to glance at the fridge a few more times make sure you find yourself before your brain does a number on you.

I glance at the picture and now see Guy there blocking of a 22 yr old girl dark hair, staring at the little girl in front of her pigtails flying chancing a cat and puppy as they jump into the dark haired girls arms. I than glance closer and realize I’m wearing the same clothes as her, I look down further examining my features and realize I am most definitely not the 12 yr girl. A memory flashes: me rushes to class passing by Guy and looking down as I hurry to class, walking home and glancing up to see him tipping his imaginary hat to me. Another girl, Guy and myself, chuckling to ourselves before our psych class. Guy and my close friend in close confidence, and a deep chocking feeling.

Doc:Cough… my dear you may want to take a seat and um adjust your um.

Me: I looked up wide eyed what…what… shaking myself out of my last thought.

Guy: Gosh, doc now I got to be all chivalrous while you ruin my show, love your shirt is revealing a little more than the doc feels you might be comfortable with, but I say be rebellious and prove him wrong **winks**.

Time Flashes Forward scenes quickly pass through watching towns on the fridge, hanging out with Guy and chatting with the Doc about the reasons he should begin further research with smaller items and work back up to towns, like starting with thinks people won’t be suspicious about disappearing and showing up again.

Than it settles back on Guy and I acting out a play, I have a veil on and have demurely read my part to perfection where out of nowhere he kisses me through my veil.

Me: Hey :pushes back: that is most definitely not your line I lift my veil.

He kisses me again…. I push him back a little later…

Guy: Fine, Fine oh Rosalind your alabaster is so alabaster and attempts to kiss me again

Me: We are doing Romeo and Juliet is there a Rosalind in this one

He than shoots me a look that says, Really, I could stop trying to kiss you. I blush and apparently regain my sense. and let him kiss me. The dream slows, time ticking past as he just looks at me with that look of triumph, reverence, and a solemn glance of promise that this will not be the last time he kisses me this way.

And than I woke up, alone and with what I assume was a dreamy smirk. Cause when I rolled out of bed I had one of those I accomplished a lot today looks. And the very vivid memory of this dream. So there it is I don’t know what to say, it wasn’t a smutty dream, at least not to me sorry if you thought it was. It was like watching and being part of a very intriguing film. It was much more vivid in my mind the scenery I really can’t place into words. But I can elaborate on any other specifics if you like just shoot me a comment.

Technically

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Technically I should be asleep. I should be preparing to wake up in the next few hours, refreshed and clear headed. However I am not, since  I have a few thoughts tangled up in my mind that I’d like to jot down.

Firstly I am so swapped with school and work right now I see myself  slipping into old habits. Its like when you say something dumb but its too late. However it is not too late and I plan on fixing the sitution this week so it doesn’t hurt the rest of my semester.

Secondly my brother and I are buying a house. I say this without having begun the process but am seeing more and more that this is what God is leaning our family towards. This is a big grown up step. Like BAM your not a kid you own a home deal with your self. It has not fully sunk in, I’m very nervous and excited.

Thirdly (?) I had a break down recently where I was in an argument with my mom and insta-cried and I knew it had nothing to do with the issue at hand. So I had to take a deep breath and remember where I was. That has never happened to me and was quite unnerving. I don’t know if I should be proud I stopped myself or scared there is still that much raw emotion from my childhood. I really went to a place I rarely go, I pretend it doesn’t exist therefore it doesn’t matter. Now it seems that is not going to work I pray that God helps me not to snap on those I love.

Fourthly (?) there is a cute guy at my bible study. ^_^ I mean he is like 12 (20) cough finally cough. Joking, my point being there aren’t many cute christian guys I know this is superficial and yes judge me for it I know I’m not the creme of the crop. It’s just nice to see cute guys in the faith is all. Mind you it may also have to do with I didn’t place him in insta you are my friend zone. As due to my insecurity I do this with almost all of my guy friends. Not that they would mind they are all younger than me regardless. But I have a terrible tendency to treat everyone as a child. As I know how to cope with children, and I find people my own age not very adult like. Which is why I find myself getting along with fringe characters, sort of people(transformers) who are more than meets the eye. And I actually proactive spoke with above referenced guy without provacation. Mind you it’s not like I’m awaiting to date him, it’s just very out of the norm for me to begin conversations with persons of the male persuasion on my own. So this was very fasincating.

Fifthly (?) I wish I were a completely different person every time I wake up, but it’s beginning to wiegh on me more now as I get older and there is less time to change

So I think that’s about it a lot more stuff is running around but sleep she waits for no one and I must catch her. So thanks for paying any mind at all to this, and type at you soon. Oh also shoot me any Q’ you have and give you some A’s for your troubles thanks.