Tag Archives: life

Smart phone equals more quantity and perchance quality will follow

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So I just got the Samsung galaxy three, which means instead of a slide I now have a phone that connects to the internet which in theory is supposed to make life easier. So far it’s just a phone that stops boredom during breaks at work.
     So anyway let’s catch up on my life since the last time I posted. I have a dog now black ladlb and sheperd mix. I painted my entire floor after ripping up the carpet. Its been a rough couple of months,  but on the bright side I found a great conselor l, who has been helping me a lot. Since this has been a really tough time I’ve disconnected from my friends. Most people (or at least the ones I have in my head to judge myself by) lean into their friends and loved ones at times such as these me I’m just weird and sxcared, sad, angry, and lost. I’m leaning on God a lot more and that has been helping. Also my counselor has really gotten to the meat of my issues, which is scary and fantastic all at once.
She told me I could either fight the hard battle ahead of me or wait until I have children and deal with it than. I’m choosing now versus later which is super weird cause I am a hard-core procrastinator but I am tired of pretending to be okay I wante to BE OKAY.
Also I want to date I’m 23 and never been on a single date. Now I’ve always sad it’s because I’m overweight but that’s not entirely true, for instance on Valentine’s day random stranger asks me out while Im pumping gas. But I’m very standoff with guys if any random guy compliments me automatic creeper card ( though gas station guy definitely creepy). Also I know myself I’m not gonna date a bunch before settling down, I want quality not quantity.  But as of right now I’m to broken for love to last but as I lean into God his takes my broken pieces and makes me whole so there is the update. Another post will come soon

A Good Week? :/

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I would like to go on the record as stating that this may have actual been an okay week. Mind you that may not be monumental to you but it weighs significantly in my realm of being. Though as I think back maybe it’s more sad than good by other standards.

Monday I went to the psychiatrist  as you may have dawned on from previous posts, I may  perchance dabble in carrying baggage. Any who, I figured I have insurance now so I’ll put my big girl pants on and go, see what this unbiased third party has to say. I picked a christian one cause I don’t know why I think they would be less,  here take this drug, maybe it’s the random rude comments people have made to me about not praying my problems away (note to self see if one can pray away a broken nose). So back on track my Dr. sits me down and asks me why I’m there etc, and to explain if anything makes me nervous. I was like sweet she not looking at me like I’m a crazy person maybe I’m not as bad as I think, maybe I can deal with my issues by not dealing with them…..I should have known better. I will paraphrase the words that now have me on Zoloft (generic) and taking a battery of blood tests.

“Well I get nervous in crowds. When I sit in a room full of people my back needs to be against the wall. I need to know where the exits are. I don’t like walking in front of the group I’m in. When walking around campus I don’t like direct eye contact with people. People make me nervous, it takes a big effort to be around my friends. I mean I would think just guys make me nervous but it’s people in general. Oh and I tend to be angry more than I probably should be. “

DR: how about your sleeping patterns

“I have to take two 500mcg b-12 to go to bed it’s the only thing that gets me to sleep. This statement is what got me the battery of test and my doctor stating that is the weirdest thing she’s every heard. 

I mean I knew I need an anti depressant, but is it wrong I really wanted her to be like “You are totally okay, we just need to tweak when you go to sleep and eat more veggie’s and you are good to go. 

Tuesday (skipped class ^_^)

V-day: made it to class, and random creeper tries to get my number at gas station. The reason this added to my week is not cause I was like OM gosh like he totally that I was like all that and the bag of chips” but more “Om gosh I have a totally random story to break the ice with when I meet my friend later. 

Today I cleaned my  room and am heavily behind in homework, but hey my rooms clean, and everyone in my family is healthy for the most part, Jesus loves, I got to read the bible and do devotions all week, so yeah overall not the worst week. But hey that’s my opinion, Expect more updates as I try to start dealing with my rocky childhood, while on medication, working FT and going to school. Only God could save me know

Lets talk about….

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Sex baby sorry, just watched Pitch perfect so that song is currently stuck in my head. But on the subject eh why the hell not talk about it everyone is either super touchy about it or way out there TMI all over the place. It’s half way to one and the family is asleep so on ward we go down the rabbit hole.

So I’ve never made love had sex, done the bom chicka bow wow (so many ways to say one thing) so I will not be imparting any details or one night trysts or long summers and dreamy men. Nope just the opposite I don’t understand some of the misconceptions about sex, now again I don’t claim to be an expert by any right but there are some things I do know.

1–It will be awesome ^_^, now I have been told the contrary via my thrice divorced co-worker which leads to fact–

2– You will not always be awesome doing “it’ I mean you definitely want a high average but there will be hits and definite misses.

3–Sex and intimacy are very distinct things one does not drag along the other, nor is intimacy a guaranteed pair with sex. However once intimacy is cultivated and blossoms it takes things to another level.

4–Intimacy+love+patience= awesomeness. I mean I assume, each of those things are awesome so you kind of have to assume together they make sex better.

5–What I am more referring to is making love versus sex. Sex is now a word used to strip away the act of the romance the complexity and make it well plainly biological.

Well those are the things I know and will be willing to share about sex on the internet. Now this topic usually leads me into the  next category the misconception on how girls think about sex. Now I will only speak for myself as the female nation has yet to vote me as the official spokeswoman. In tv there are only two versions of girls that tend to be out there, the ***blushes and never ever thinks about sex** or **the girl doing a keg stand in a bikini***. Now am I exaggerating probably but I oddly don’t feel represented in these categories, do I blush …Yes (even though I’m tan sigh) I really haven’t the foggiest idea what a keg stand is so not that. But on the other hand I think about marriage the guy I will spend the rest of my life “sleeping” with and sometimes not  necessarily in that order.

The other day I literally I looked up from studying and was like this be a perfect moment to take an adult break, maybe its me but I like the idea or knowing one day there will be this guy who totally loves me and I him, and we get do it like whenever, no pressure,  no… will he call, just security and love. Now my co-worker referenced above says sex is nothing like this to which I said “that’s cause you were doing it wrong”. Maybe I hold the biggest misconception of all… that sex is more than five minutes (if your lucky) of biological needs being met. But in all honesty, if it is not the merging of physical need , cementing the heart and soul with the sprinkle of blush worthy moments. Than what is the point?

At Work She Writes

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I figured rather than going slightly insane at work, I could write a post since it been so long. So I’m about a week away from entering a new house which is exciting and scary all at the same time. I really wish it were more certain, but I’m enjoying the calm before the storm. Schools almost over and I’m running behind as usually, So I’ve redefined online classes are not for me. I really am not well displaced enough for them. Speaking of discipline I’m pretty sure that’s my word for this coming year. I need to learn discipline, like Washington needs to keep their pants on. I mean maybe a little less than Washington but definitely in the middle somewhere. I mean I haven’t lost a single pound since I wrote the post about losing wait. I think I gained 2lbs actually. Regardless I’ve kept true to my word of minimizing my social impact, but I’ve just picked up other bad habits like dating sims and online Japanese stuff. But today is a reboot, and the new house is a new being. throwing out stuff I don’t need. finishing things that need to get done. Returning Items I have borrowed. As a side note, I am a terrible borrower, I have 4 items that I borrowed way to long ago to still have. I’ve will be moving twice and still have this things sigh. One is a housekeepers outfit and a Neon Trees album that I borrowed from someone I haven’t seen in a year, we had a conflict and the resolution was separation. Than I have a Office season something DVD I’ve never watched that I borrowed from a friend that I haven’t seen cause were both super busy and well I’m bigger and don’t want to see him so I must mail this. And lastly ACII that I was given by my awesome person T-wolf. They say you never forget your first and I probably won’t. AC II first video game I every completed 92% and every now and then I add a few more memories on the game. So the wonderful owner of this game moved back home. So may be it’s not a bad borrow, so much as I have bad timing, I have solved how to get the dress and cd back to friend number one via my mom whose friends with her mom. And the other two it will have to be via the mail which will probably be the first week of December near my b-day. Happy b-day to me I’m giving back your stuff lol.
 
And yes I’m still at work, I’m not trying to waste time but apparently every time I speak with a co-worker someone cries. Apparently my face screams let us get emotionally deep while on the clock. I must figure out the facial vibes i am sending to figure it all out. so back from the two side notes
 
I’ve decided to get more self control, which will be difficult but baby steps. First waking up the same time everyday, Secondly adhering to my class schedule. Arriving to work 20mins early to work, regardless of when I went to bed. Also I need to take care of my stuff more. Like currently my car is all clean and after the closing of the new house I’ll take it to the mechanic to get everything changed. Also I have to get ready for the puppy were getting my brother ^_^. It’s a surprise but that also takes a lot of discipline. I have a cat, which takes the discipline of 0 to care for. But with two pets that ups the anti I will have to take them for checkups and shots and all that good stuff. It shall be intriguing. Sigh it really is a bit slow today at work, but I don’t mind, I like it. It lets me clear my mind.

Technically

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Technically I should be asleep. I should be preparing to wake up in the next few hours, refreshed and clear headed. However I am not, since  I have a few thoughts tangled up in my mind that I’d like to jot down.

Firstly I am so swapped with school and work right now I see myself  slipping into old habits. Its like when you say something dumb but its too late. However it is not too late and I plan on fixing the sitution this week so it doesn’t hurt the rest of my semester.

Secondly my brother and I are buying a house. I say this without having begun the process but am seeing more and more that this is what God is leaning our family towards. This is a big grown up step. Like BAM your not a kid you own a home deal with your self. It has not fully sunk in, I’m very nervous and excited.

Thirdly (?) I had a break down recently where I was in an argument with my mom and insta-cried and I knew it had nothing to do with the issue at hand. So I had to take a deep breath and remember where I was. That has never happened to me and was quite unnerving. I don’t know if I should be proud I stopped myself or scared there is still that much raw emotion from my childhood. I really went to a place I rarely go, I pretend it doesn’t exist therefore it doesn’t matter. Now it seems that is not going to work I pray that God helps me not to snap on those I love.

Fourthly (?) there is a cute guy at my bible study. ^_^ I mean he is like 12 (20) cough finally cough. Joking, my point being there aren’t many cute christian guys I know this is superficial and yes judge me for it I know I’m not the creme of the crop. It’s just nice to see cute guys in the faith is all. Mind you it may also have to do with I didn’t place him in insta you are my friend zone. As due to my insecurity I do this with almost all of my guy friends. Not that they would mind they are all younger than me regardless. But I have a terrible tendency to treat everyone as a child. As I know how to cope with children, and I find people my own age not very adult like. Which is why I find myself getting along with fringe characters, sort of people(transformers) who are more than meets the eye. And I actually proactive spoke with above referenced guy without provacation. Mind you it’s not like I’m awaiting to date him, it’s just very out of the norm for me to begin conversations with persons of the male persuasion on my own. So this was very fasincating.

Fifthly (?) I wish I were a completely different person every time I wake up, but it’s beginning to wiegh on me more now as I get older and there is less time to change

So I think that’s about it a lot more stuff is running around but sleep she waits for no one and I must catch her. So thanks for paying any mind at all to this, and type at you soon. Oh also shoot me any Q’ you have and give you some A’s for your troubles thanks.

Realization

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***Please note this was written just after the previous post. ***Though edited and posted much later lol*********
My day began amazingly my morning class went well. I woke up at five am after posting my daring and exciting post last night (I must figure a way to highlight sarcasm versus these damn parenthesis’s) made fajita and was set to go for today. So then it was around 7am and I forgot to look up my class room. As I get to my mom’s computer I looked online and boom my 7:30 am class magically turned  into a 9:00am class. Suffice to say my day got better. I breeze to school find an awesome parking, and misplace my classroom but with the help of my awesome big brother arrive 3 mins early. Now class is a breeze I mean I’ve flunked it twice so I think I know what to expect :P. Yet I was surprised today Dr. Thomas Murray, (should you ever attend UCF and want to be a teacher take this man for any class he is teaching) was advising our band of misfits class about being careful of the schools we wish to observe.

The reasons being One: everyday is a potential job interview, which though nice can be daunting. Secondly do not volunteer where it is easiest per say. Go to a school that reflects where you want to be hired. BOOM that hit me like a ton of bricks, my passion is to teach inner city kids,  title one schools, however all my volunteer work has been in A* schools. I was realizing what a detriment I was doing to myself and future students. Literally I felt as if God stared me down and whispered these simple words, what are you preparing for. Your preparation and planning is not for the plans I have for you. Your learning about a job I have not prepared for you.

Now noted this epiphany is still dawning on me as I type, so I apologize if the flow of this post took a little turn. I will save this for another post but a main note God IS Good He reveals to those whom seek answers, and for people like me you are reluctant to listen at times a nice tap to the back-o-the-head never hurt. ^_^.  To recap class was good than I got the unexpected text DUN DUN DUN. I take this time and moment to confess into the abyss of the internet, I AM A COWARD. Well a prevention specialist same difference. Last year I had a good chunk of people treat me like trash so once they all decided to leave, I passive aggressively deleted their numbers. Mind I also deleted people who I just don’t speak to as much as well figured throw out all the bath water. Anyway all I get in the text is Hi stranger :). That’s it so this does not help matters, so I send what I think is a clever message

“Hey …um apparently my phone has decided to hide ur identity regardless of which hi “friend” (I am currently assuming our friendship please adv if incorrect 😛 ” ***pats self on back*** I was all proud of myself, so I than let my mind wander and thought it was Eh (any questions concerning said character please see hyperlink) As I presume you are caught up, you now understand why my mood suddenly changed. Now note it was fortunately enough my friend Jacob whom I must see at some point before the semester ends. But I must admit a small tiny part of me wasn’t as excited it wasn’t him.

Now once realization of this error in life, I was really mad at myself, was I really so weak. I have completely forgotten everything that has happened.  and than once I had finally stopped being myself up I gave myself the chance to explain

See it not that I don’t remember what happened but I would like to pretend it never did, that would be so much simpler. Than nothing would be awkward. So the reason I’m not completely excited it wasn’t him is because it means I really won’t ever get the chance to pretend. Because if he had texted we could have joked, and I would have thoroughly convinced you to be who you used to be.

So upon reaching the conclusion of this inner struggle all the fight left me and I looked at the broken little girl I very rarely actually listen to and speak with. I looked on the small desire of my heart to run , and thanked God for the strength that allows me to not fall into old practices. Suffice to say I am glad that I admitted these things semi out loud.

The reason being bible study is tomorrow night now mind you I do not plan going any other time this semester as I will be ridiculously busy. Now he will be there and initially I did not want to go, mostly cause I hate the way I look and don’t really want anyone I know seeing me period. So after finishing this post I have no hesitations about going tomorrow night. I know I’m of a different mind, I’ve let the Trinity get a stronger grip on my life, so where I walk next God himself will have enter before me, assuring anything that happens will not be more than I can handle giving everything to him. So as the lights dim here at UCF I will still for a while more read a lovely ghost story as the lights grow dim and look forward to the rest of my life.

 

 

***If you are from somewhere that is not Florida, here we grade our schools based on a very diverse criteria Cough FCAT cough one exam Cough…. anyway the rankings are from A-F grading system and money is allotted for performance.

Here We Go Again!!!!!

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And just like that ladies and gents, I am once again a college student. I would be a liar if I didn’t open up with how excited I am. Like really excited I missed school being “normal” 22yr old. My childhood has made sure I won’t ever really be one of the crowd, but than everyone has there stuff and I can blend. Anyway off topic, so I have class today at 7:30 am mind you I am still currently trying to get myself to sleep.

I feel so utterly out of place, like the married guy at a bachelor party. I don’t know where to place my footing. I am not so far behind that it will mean anything in my realm of peers but it makes me reluctant to see them. I am not ashamed I’m still in school, that’s not what is at the core of this. I am ashamed that I had to take a break, that I wasn’t smart enough to pull away sooner, that I allowed myself to be dumb. Sometimes I wish I could go back and be that girl getting off the plane from Spain back in the U.S.

It’s been about two years since I came back from Spain give or take a month. And there was this moment when I was in Philly waiting to transfer flights when I just stopped, breathed and kept going. I want to go back to that moment, I think apart of my knew the two years that were coming up. That I had been stupid my first semester at UCF.But than again I wouldn’t have met T-wolf or VintageJoy, mind this are two spectacular people I really got to know after I stepped of the plan and settled back into life.Now I have to give some honorable mentions to the BTINS (before teaching in Spain) Alicia, whom God showed me how to just let Him be. Showed that I do have a purpose I can help others. Than there’s Brian, I love that kid, I really wish we were closer than we are now but that is an entirely different post.

The point being if I could go back I would, I may try to tweak things, but all I’d really do is erase the people who have hurt me earlier and not been the one shunned out. But if that had happened I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I needed. Which is why I’m also very grateful for this second chance God is giving ‘me. I truly am blessed to be able to go back to school and start to learn something I truly love with a different mindset.

Now this is a note to those who may see me in the day to day. I will hide from you, hell I’ll duck in a bush if I have too. :/ I really wish I were joking but I part of me is still not forgiven myself for throwing away nearly 4 semesters of college away, for falling for a dumb guy,  for not knowing who I am. So I really will be  MIA this semester, so as a heads up, you will have to initiate things with me. I know its sucks and you can wait it out until the spring, but I figured I but that warning in her as well. And please also to anyone who messages me I will be there just perhaps a little late. My clock runs a little slower than yours ^_^. Have an amazing week and wish me luck Cause

Here we Go Again