Tag Archives: hope

Smart phone equals more quantity and perchance quality will follow

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So I just got the Samsung galaxy three, which means instead of a slide I now have a phone that connects to the internet which in theory is supposed to make life easier. So far it’s just a phone that stops boredom during breaks at work.
     So anyway let’s catch up on my life since the last time I posted. I have a dog now black ladlb and sheperd mix. I painted my entire floor after ripping up the carpet. Its been a rough couple of months,  but on the bright side I found a great conselor l, who has been helping me a lot. Since this has been a really tough time I’ve disconnected from my friends. Most people (or at least the ones I have in my head to judge myself by) lean into their friends and loved ones at times such as these me I’m just weird and sxcared, sad, angry, and lost. I’m leaning on God a lot more and that has been helping. Also my counselor has really gotten to the meat of my issues, which is scary and fantastic all at once.
She told me I could either fight the hard battle ahead of me or wait until I have children and deal with it than. I’m choosing now versus later which is super weird cause I am a hard-core procrastinator but I am tired of pretending to be okay I wante to BE OKAY.
Also I want to date I’m 23 and never been on a single date. Now I’ve always sad it’s because I’m overweight but that’s not entirely true, for instance on Valentine’s day random stranger asks me out while Im pumping gas. But I’m very standoff with guys if any random guy compliments me automatic creeper card ( though gas station guy definitely creepy). Also I know myself I’m not gonna date a bunch before settling down, I want quality not quantity.  But as of right now I’m to broken for love to last but as I lean into God his takes my broken pieces and makes me whole so there is the update. Another post will come soon

Realization

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***Please note this was written just after the previous post. ***Though edited and posted much later lol*********
My day began amazingly my morning class went well. I woke up at five am after posting my daring and exciting post last night (I must figure a way to highlight sarcasm versus these damn parenthesis’s) made fajita and was set to go for today. So then it was around 7am and I forgot to look up my class room. As I get to my mom’s computer I looked online and boom my 7:30 am class magically turned  into a 9:00am class. Suffice to say my day got better. I breeze to school find an awesome parking, and misplace my classroom but with the help of my awesome big brother arrive 3 mins early. Now class is a breeze I mean I’ve flunked it twice so I think I know what to expect :P. Yet I was surprised today Dr. Thomas Murray, (should you ever attend UCF and want to be a teacher take this man for any class he is teaching) was advising our band of misfits class about being careful of the schools we wish to observe.

The reasons being One: everyday is a potential job interview, which though nice can be daunting. Secondly do not volunteer where it is easiest per say. Go to a school that reflects where you want to be hired. BOOM that hit me like a ton of bricks, my passion is to teach inner city kids,  title one schools, however all my volunteer work has been in A* schools. I was realizing what a detriment I was doing to myself and future students. Literally I felt as if God stared me down and whispered these simple words, what are you preparing for. Your preparation and planning is not for the plans I have for you. Your learning about a job I have not prepared for you.

Now noted this epiphany is still dawning on me as I type, so I apologize if the flow of this post took a little turn. I will save this for another post but a main note God IS Good He reveals to those whom seek answers, and for people like me you are reluctant to listen at times a nice tap to the back-o-the-head never hurt. ^_^.  To recap class was good than I got the unexpected text DUN DUN DUN. I take this time and moment to confess into the abyss of the internet, I AM A COWARD. Well a prevention specialist same difference. Last year I had a good chunk of people treat me like trash so once they all decided to leave, I passive aggressively deleted their numbers. Mind I also deleted people who I just don’t speak to as much as well figured throw out all the bath water. Anyway all I get in the text is Hi stranger :). That’s it so this does not help matters, so I send what I think is a clever message

“Hey …um apparently my phone has decided to hide ur identity regardless of which hi “friend” (I am currently assuming our friendship please adv if incorrect 😛 ” ***pats self on back*** I was all proud of myself, so I than let my mind wander and thought it was Eh (any questions concerning said character please see hyperlink) As I presume you are caught up, you now understand why my mood suddenly changed. Now note it was fortunately enough my friend Jacob whom I must see at some point before the semester ends. But I must admit a small tiny part of me wasn’t as excited it wasn’t him.

Now once realization of this error in life, I was really mad at myself, was I really so weak. I have completely forgotten everything that has happened.  and than once I had finally stopped being myself up I gave myself the chance to explain

See it not that I don’t remember what happened but I would like to pretend it never did, that would be so much simpler. Than nothing would be awkward. So the reason I’m not completely excited it wasn’t him is because it means I really won’t ever get the chance to pretend. Because if he had texted we could have joked, and I would have thoroughly convinced you to be who you used to be.

So upon reaching the conclusion of this inner struggle all the fight left me and I looked at the broken little girl I very rarely actually listen to and speak with. I looked on the small desire of my heart to run , and thanked God for the strength that allows me to not fall into old practices. Suffice to say I am glad that I admitted these things semi out loud.

The reason being bible study is tomorrow night now mind you I do not plan going any other time this semester as I will be ridiculously busy. Now he will be there and initially I did not want to go, mostly cause I hate the way I look and don’t really want anyone I know seeing me period. So after finishing this post I have no hesitations about going tomorrow night. I know I’m of a different mind, I’ve let the Trinity get a stronger grip on my life, so where I walk next God himself will have enter before me, assuring anything that happens will not be more than I can handle giving everything to him. So as the lights dim here at UCF I will still for a while more read a lovely ghost story as the lights grow dim and look forward to the rest of my life.

 

 

***If you are from somewhere that is not Florida, here we grade our schools based on a very diverse criteria Cough FCAT cough one exam Cough…. anyway the rankings are from A-F grading system and money is allotted for performance.

The Plans of Mighty Mice Fall

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I haven’t posted at all this week and it’s because quite honestly I’m not feeling fantastical. And there is no one to blame trust me I have looked. My new job is tiring yes but I spend  most of the day reading the bible up to Deuteronomy ..hear we come Jericho :). I will get to go to school in the fall after taking about oh two yrs off. I’m pretty much all moved back in home, bittersweet, but still not and issue… so why the angst and to put it quite simply it’s who I’ve learned to be.

Now this is about to be a self indulgent post, meaning I will be describing myself, and some of you will think yes I totally knew this already, you don’t so no smugness. Did I mention I’ m currently emo’d up. If  this post offends you, I will apologize because that’s what I’m supposed to do, but this post is not directed at any one person, it just facts and emotions neither of whom mix well at social events or festivities.

First revelation I am a living contradiction one of which is aptly named, my name means Dark, and I very much feel, a part of darkness, drawn to it, with a sometime eerie calm. I’ve gone to counseling and once hearing my life story, was promptly congratulated on not pulling the metaphoric trigger. I now must admit I have toyed with the idea more times than I can currently count,  and the option has been my security blanket. Now before you all reach for the helplines and emails, I’m not jumping. I believe in Christ, my savior who has seen hell itself and walked away unscathed, reaching for those seeking Him. And yeah my life sucks sometimes but nothing to jump over a bridge about, this and many factors contribute to me living each and everyday.

Now this however does not mean the day doesn’t happen without thought, when faced with a stressful social confrontation or uncomfortable topic, I look at the insides of my arms. Try it on me sometimes, I really won’t mind. The one thing that seems to calm me almost instantly is tracing my veins, thinking of the blood pumping through, the miracle, immense amounts of knitted flesh, that create a barrier between the outside world and the very life’s blood that pumps through me. On a particular moody evening I may lightly scratch out my name and watch as my skin flush and subside.

I find myself listening to Emery and with feather light touches caressing my wrists. I know it’s weird, but it my coping, until I can switch it out these are the things that have given me enough sanity to disconnect from my flesh and let God. This is a very unknown fact about me, the people who know me the most are very few, and there is only one who truly knows me, since I was being meshed together in my mother’s womb. If left to my own devices I will never call you, friend or foe, I see people as passing colors, things I pass as I keep my head down and move forward. Now there are some whom make themselves like steady pillars around me so that when I glance up for that brief moment they are their without offense just happy for the time my dark releases me to immerse myself in their lives. Not mad I’ve been gone, just glad I’m back, no expectations, just mutual respect, knowing I treasure them, and that being enough.

There are days I wake up and pray the world has forgotten me that breathing another breathe seems the most tedious of activities, and than My God, reminds me of the blessing of that breath, the magic behind continuing forward, and the beauty behind the pain. I go from extremes, in the errors of my youth I believed being the ear to many would assure I would always be included in someone life in something, but that wasn’t true it just left me lonelier than when I first began. My greatest insecurity is one of these days, when I glance up no one will be there, that like when I cried out to God as a child for peace all I will see is emptiness a mirror of myself, a canvas that was never allowed to be finished. And don’t say you’ll be there, don’t lie to me, you don’t know where you’ll be, promises of grandeur only lead to amazingly grand untruths. You’ll never feel this in real life with me, I’m to attentive to how the tempature of the room is, how my moving my hair effects you, so I will smooth the edges so your feathers aren’t ruffled. How long that will last I don’t know, I’m being more and more tired, and I don’t quite know who lies beneath. But tomorrow a new day full of new hopes and dreams, and tonight is just a passing thought in an everlasting future.