Tag Archives: God

Words can’t begin to explain

Standard

So these past six days have been okay execpt for two exceptionally rough days. Scratch that waiting 4hrs for a n oil change isn’t that bad. So yesterday I had a mini panic attack at work, which is not fun or great and today I’m still trying to deal. I was supposed to be able to speak with my counselor but apparently she  has a new client with my name. And at the end of june she can’t take my ins. Sigh all of which do not make anything better. Now I just effectively fired her so there’s that. Long story short ing regards to my work place crying fail. My boss was on his way to leave   and all I asked was  Hey did you get my email (my job owes me two hrs overtime) I say the onr about my hrs. This offends him apparently he gets made gets in personal space and tells me to show him the email and explain my math to him I am visibly annoyed because he has taken a simple question and blown it out of portion. He tells me pay roll said they can’t fix it and they not paying and basically not gonna  explain it to me. I advise I’ll just sit with Hr and have them explain it to whuch he states is a waste of time. Another sup gets involed I start having breating issue and crying cause I two people hovering over me and my male supervisor walking around like a fight about to start. It was a lot this went on for 30 minutes the last half hour of my swift was be attempted to control my anxiety while making my supervisor feel good about himself. Sigh
Luckily today was better and the weekend is around the corner. The main reason I was able to calm done is praying and knowing that this event was definitely trying to undo the great work I’m doing in healing from my abuse, and I just thank God that even though I can’t bear it He is always looking out for me and if obstacles are being set I know I’m walking down the right path. So God bless and thanks for tuning in  

A Good Week? :/

Standard

I would like to go on the record as stating that this may have actual been an okay week. Mind you that may not be monumental to you but it weighs significantly in my realm of being. Though as I think back maybe it’s more sad than good by other standards.

Monday I went to the psychiatrist  as you may have dawned on from previous posts, I may  perchance dabble in carrying baggage. Any who, I figured I have insurance now so I’ll put my big girl pants on and go, see what this unbiased third party has to say. I picked a christian one cause I don’t know why I think they would be less,  here take this drug, maybe it’s the random rude comments people have made to me about not praying my problems away (note to self see if one can pray away a broken nose). So back on track my Dr. sits me down and asks me why I’m there etc, and to explain if anything makes me nervous. I was like sweet she not looking at me like I’m a crazy person maybe I’m not as bad as I think, maybe I can deal with my issues by not dealing with them…..I should have known better. I will paraphrase the words that now have me on Zoloft (generic) and taking a battery of blood tests.

“Well I get nervous in crowds. When I sit in a room full of people my back needs to be against the wall. I need to know where the exits are. I don’t like walking in front of the group I’m in. When walking around campus I don’t like direct eye contact with people. People make me nervous, it takes a big effort to be around my friends. I mean I would think just guys make me nervous but it’s people in general. Oh and I tend to be angry more than I probably should be. “

DR: how about your sleeping patterns

“I have to take two 500mcg b-12 to go to bed it’s the only thing that gets me to sleep. This statement is what got me the battery of test and my doctor stating that is the weirdest thing she’s every heard. 

I mean I knew I need an anti depressant, but is it wrong I really wanted her to be like “You are totally okay, we just need to tweak when you go to sleep and eat more veggie’s and you are good to go. 

Tuesday (skipped class ^_^)

V-day: made it to class, and random creeper tries to get my number at gas station. The reason this added to my week is not cause I was like OM gosh like he totally that I was like all that and the bag of chips” but more “Om gosh I have a totally random story to break the ice with when I meet my friend later. 

Today I cleaned my  room and am heavily behind in homework, but hey my rooms clean, and everyone in my family is healthy for the most part, Jesus loves, I got to read the bible and do devotions all week, so yeah overall not the worst week. But hey that’s my opinion, Expect more updates as I try to start dealing with my rocky childhood, while on medication, working FT and going to school. Only God could save me know

Technically

Standard

Technically I should be asleep. I should be preparing to wake up in the next few hours, refreshed and clear headed. However I am not, since  I have a few thoughts tangled up in my mind that I’d like to jot down.

Firstly I am so swapped with school and work right now I see myself  slipping into old habits. Its like when you say something dumb but its too late. However it is not too late and I plan on fixing the sitution this week so it doesn’t hurt the rest of my semester.

Secondly my brother and I are buying a house. I say this without having begun the process but am seeing more and more that this is what God is leaning our family towards. This is a big grown up step. Like BAM your not a kid you own a home deal with your self. It has not fully sunk in, I’m very nervous and excited.

Thirdly (?) I had a break down recently where I was in an argument with my mom and insta-cried and I knew it had nothing to do with the issue at hand. So I had to take a deep breath and remember where I was. That has never happened to me and was quite unnerving. I don’t know if I should be proud I stopped myself or scared there is still that much raw emotion from my childhood. I really went to a place I rarely go, I pretend it doesn’t exist therefore it doesn’t matter. Now it seems that is not going to work I pray that God helps me not to snap on those I love.

Fourthly (?) there is a cute guy at my bible study. ^_^ I mean he is like 12 (20) cough finally cough. Joking, my point being there aren’t many cute christian guys I know this is superficial and yes judge me for it I know I’m not the creme of the crop. It’s just nice to see cute guys in the faith is all. Mind you it may also have to do with I didn’t place him in insta you are my friend zone. As due to my insecurity I do this with almost all of my guy friends. Not that they would mind they are all younger than me regardless. But I have a terrible tendency to treat everyone as a child. As I know how to cope with children, and I find people my own age not very adult like. Which is why I find myself getting along with fringe characters, sort of people(transformers) who are more than meets the eye. And I actually proactive spoke with above referenced guy without provacation. Mind you it’s not like I’m awaiting to date him, it’s just very out of the norm for me to begin conversations with persons of the male persuasion on my own. So this was very fasincating.

Fifthly (?) I wish I were a completely different person every time I wake up, but it’s beginning to wiegh on me more now as I get older and there is less time to change

So I think that’s about it a lot more stuff is running around but sleep she waits for no one and I must catch her. So thanks for paying any mind at all to this, and type at you soon. Oh also shoot me any Q’ you have and give you some A’s for your troubles thanks.

Realization

Standard

***Please note this was written just after the previous post. ***Though edited and posted much later lol*********
My day began amazingly my morning class went well. I woke up at five am after posting my daring and exciting post last night (I must figure a way to highlight sarcasm versus these damn parenthesis’s) made fajita and was set to go for today. So then it was around 7am and I forgot to look up my class room. As I get to my mom’s computer I looked online and boom my 7:30 am class magically turned  into a 9:00am class. Suffice to say my day got better. I breeze to school find an awesome parking, and misplace my classroom but with the help of my awesome big brother arrive 3 mins early. Now class is a breeze I mean I’ve flunked it twice so I think I know what to expect :P. Yet I was surprised today Dr. Thomas Murray, (should you ever attend UCF and want to be a teacher take this man for any class he is teaching) was advising our band of misfits class about being careful of the schools we wish to observe.

The reasons being One: everyday is a potential job interview, which though nice can be daunting. Secondly do not volunteer where it is easiest per say. Go to a school that reflects where you want to be hired. BOOM that hit me like a ton of bricks, my passion is to teach inner city kids,  title one schools, however all my volunteer work has been in A* schools. I was realizing what a detriment I was doing to myself and future students. Literally I felt as if God stared me down and whispered these simple words, what are you preparing for. Your preparation and planning is not for the plans I have for you. Your learning about a job I have not prepared for you.

Now noted this epiphany is still dawning on me as I type, so I apologize if the flow of this post took a little turn. I will save this for another post but a main note God IS Good He reveals to those whom seek answers, and for people like me you are reluctant to listen at times a nice tap to the back-o-the-head never hurt. ^_^.  To recap class was good than I got the unexpected text DUN DUN DUN. I take this time and moment to confess into the abyss of the internet, I AM A COWARD. Well a prevention specialist same difference. Last year I had a good chunk of people treat me like trash so once they all decided to leave, I passive aggressively deleted their numbers. Mind I also deleted people who I just don’t speak to as much as well figured throw out all the bath water. Anyway all I get in the text is Hi stranger :). That’s it so this does not help matters, so I send what I think is a clever message

“Hey …um apparently my phone has decided to hide ur identity regardless of which hi “friend” (I am currently assuming our friendship please adv if incorrect 😛 ” ***pats self on back*** I was all proud of myself, so I than let my mind wander and thought it was Eh (any questions concerning said character please see hyperlink) As I presume you are caught up, you now understand why my mood suddenly changed. Now note it was fortunately enough my friend Jacob whom I must see at some point before the semester ends. But I must admit a small tiny part of me wasn’t as excited it wasn’t him.

Now once realization of this error in life, I was really mad at myself, was I really so weak. I have completely forgotten everything that has happened.  and than once I had finally stopped being myself up I gave myself the chance to explain

See it not that I don’t remember what happened but I would like to pretend it never did, that would be so much simpler. Than nothing would be awkward. So the reason I’m not completely excited it wasn’t him is because it means I really won’t ever get the chance to pretend. Because if he had texted we could have joked, and I would have thoroughly convinced you to be who you used to be.

So upon reaching the conclusion of this inner struggle all the fight left me and I looked at the broken little girl I very rarely actually listen to and speak with. I looked on the small desire of my heart to run , and thanked God for the strength that allows me to not fall into old practices. Suffice to say I am glad that I admitted these things semi out loud.

The reason being bible study is tomorrow night now mind you I do not plan going any other time this semester as I will be ridiculously busy. Now he will be there and initially I did not want to go, mostly cause I hate the way I look and don’t really want anyone I know seeing me period. So after finishing this post I have no hesitations about going tomorrow night. I know I’m of a different mind, I’ve let the Trinity get a stronger grip on my life, so where I walk next God himself will have enter before me, assuring anything that happens will not be more than I can handle giving everything to him. So as the lights dim here at UCF I will still for a while more read a lovely ghost story as the lights grow dim and look forward to the rest of my life.

 

 

***If you are from somewhere that is not Florida, here we grade our schools based on a very diverse criteria Cough FCAT cough one exam Cough…. anyway the rankings are from A-F grading system and money is allotted for performance.

Here We Go Again!!!!!

Standard

And just like that ladies and gents, I am once again a college student. I would be a liar if I didn’t open up with how excited I am. Like really excited I missed school being “normal” 22yr old. My childhood has made sure I won’t ever really be one of the crowd, but than everyone has there stuff and I can blend. Anyway off topic, so I have class today at 7:30 am mind you I am still currently trying to get myself to sleep.

I feel so utterly out of place, like the married guy at a bachelor party. I don’t know where to place my footing. I am not so far behind that it will mean anything in my realm of peers but it makes me reluctant to see them. I am not ashamed I’m still in school, that’s not what is at the core of this. I am ashamed that I had to take a break, that I wasn’t smart enough to pull away sooner, that I allowed myself to be dumb. Sometimes I wish I could go back and be that girl getting off the plane from Spain back in the U.S.

It’s been about two years since I came back from Spain give or take a month. And there was this moment when I was in Philly waiting to transfer flights when I just stopped, breathed and kept going. I want to go back to that moment, I think apart of my knew the two years that were coming up. That I had been stupid my first semester at UCF.But than again I wouldn’t have met T-wolf or VintageJoy, mind this are two spectacular people I really got to know after I stepped of the plan and settled back into life.Now I have to give some honorable mentions to the BTINS (before teaching in Spain) Alicia, whom God showed me how to just let Him be. Showed that I do have a purpose I can help others. Than there’s Brian, I love that kid, I really wish we were closer than we are now but that is an entirely different post.

The point being if I could go back I would, I may try to tweak things, but all I’d really do is erase the people who have hurt me earlier and not been the one shunned out. But if that had happened I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I needed. Which is why I’m also very grateful for this second chance God is giving ‘me. I truly am blessed to be able to go back to school and start to learn something I truly love with a different mindset.

Now this is a note to those who may see me in the day to day. I will hide from you, hell I’ll duck in a bush if I have too. :/ I really wish I were joking but I part of me is still not forgiven myself for throwing away nearly 4 semesters of college away, for falling for a dumb guy,  for not knowing who I am. So I really will be  MIA this semester, so as a heads up, you will have to initiate things with me. I know its sucks and you can wait it out until the spring, but I figured I but that warning in her as well. And please also to anyone who messages me I will be there just perhaps a little late. My clock runs a little slower than yours ^_^. Have an amazing week and wish me luck Cause

Here we Go Again

Clarity Among the Smog covered Sky

Standard

So I know, you’ve all been waiting on bated breath for my next post, ……..PREPARE YOURSELF, it will be the most usual un-extraordinary thing you read today.  However I don’t presume to know how much excitement you get daily. Anyway now that we’ve greeted one another let’s get to it.

                As you may have noticed I have not kept up with the predetermined structure of things, I have decided I am too disorganized to place my thoughts on specific days. I honestly attempted to and I tip my hat to those who are able to succeed where I have failed. So this basically just means all the topics I listed will be addressed just whenever I want or all at once. This is feeling like an all or nothing post

                So firstly I just finished moving back home to have the mortgage company say time to pack up. Sigh it has and will be a daunting time. We had our first garage sale ever and I can proudly state we made 186 dollars ^_^. That may seem like chump change but I was excited as we were going to throw all this stuff away due to downsizing. So this whole situation has been mellowing my family out majorly which is understandable. My way to cope is to wade through and attempt to tackle something that does not require me to really do anything but is socially acceptable to complain about while doing nothing.

                And that ladies and gents (classy right 😉 brings us to dating. Now I tend to think of this subject when I have way more important stuff to think about. This is called deflection kiddos, which works well. Now I won’t say everyone around me is dating cause they aren’t, so no comparing. The thing that bugged me is I went out looking like this todayImageand not a single date in my entire life. Mind you I don’t count creepy cat calls, as adoration from the males of our species. Now I don’t mean that I’m surprised that men saw all this awesomeness (note heavy sarcasm,) and weren’t tripping over themselves. What I mean is I’m a half well adjusted girl with a shoulder bag of issues no more and am still eating sushi wondering why I’m single.

                Mind I know that I am single because I’m not ready for a real relationship and God is trying to save me from heartache, but it’s like when your mom won’t let you play on the street with the cars. Mom keeps staying we will be going to a park full of swings, it will be fun you just have to wait until we’re ready to leave. Mean while as a kid your just thinking yea the parks great, but how come all those kids get to play on the street, why don’t they have to wait, yes it dangerous, yes it’s not as cool as the park but is there now. That’s how I feel like I want to settle.  Now please mind this any gents reading this I am not demeaning you by comparing you to playing around and apologize for any offense beforehand.

                What I mean by all this is my impatience gets the better of me. More so when I have terrible things happening to me, I have an innate need for the scales to tip. Yes I have to move again have no stability when I attempting college again, have my student loans threatening to send me to collections because I haven’t been a good little student, but hey I get to go hang out with someone and forget all of it. Pretend I’m carefree, make out breath, and live in the moment. However relationships only exist that way in a 90min movie or AMV.  I want a snapshot of happiness amongst everything.

                Now mind you I am extremely blessed, beyond words, so I know for me this sucks, it could be worse. It can get worse, if it like to but at the end of the day I have God. So yeah I have to work harder at walking up every morning. And maybe I cry more than I like, but at the end of it all I have someone to lean into, that loves me. So I’ll let him worry about it.  I will give my worries to my Savior and lose control. Just let His will be done. Change the things I can and accept those that are unchangeable. 

pssss: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE PICS SMALL GRRRR!!!!

Your Voice still Echoes

Standard

Image

This is one of my favorite bars in Leon, Spain. Flandes is the name of the place Carlos and Luis the masters behind the counter. Now I’m not a fan of spiked beverages per say, I do appreciate the show behind ever glass however, a good bartender keeps the liquid flowing and your tab open. He is ready with a joke, a tease, advice or a well placed look. It is truly an art to be behind a counter connecting with strangers at the drop of a hat.

Now back to the title, hopefully you watch the previous Gotye video, if not don’t worry I’ll wait…………::stretches::  sweet all done, (wipes tear) wasn’t it awesome. Well the reason I chose this song is it talks about letting go, but always remembering. That even when you go, something is left behind. The reason for my pensive thoughts on letting go is I recently watched The Vow , which was a alright film. Regardless of my opinion on the film it got me thinking. What if it was all gone, one day to the next (spoiler alert) four years of your life done away with like petals in the wind.

I think back to where I was four years ago, I hadn’t even graduated from my community college, fresh out of High school. Would I do things differently, or would I fall in the same pitfalls. Four years ago I didn’t have any of the friends who hurt me, I was dealing with a lot, while dealing with nothing at all. Part of me would like to forget the years that have past, but for every bad memory, there is a good one, every tear has a laugh behind it. And for ever friendship that ended badly an amazing bond forged. So at the end of it all I wouldn’t changed anything, because it’s all shaped who I am.

I may not completely know who I am. But the thing I do know is God loved me so much He died for me. Loved me so much he came undone. So I am loved, cherished, and purposely made. There are days the loss of who I should have been hurts more than I can bear, yet it reminds me of so many things. Though my identity isn’t quite clear, my foundation is firm, I am witty, sarcastic, loving, kind, spirited, and understanding. I’ve only learned this through every hard fought battle with myself as well as every ally I have made. It is because God has used the people who hurt me as well as those who’ve love me; to mold me. Making me a new creation, something greater than I could ever had planned, that His glory may shine.

So maybe the voice of my past still echoes, but in those tearful pleas I find my peace and in the laughter I find strength. Just because God is a part of my life, I would relive every breath, tear, hurt, and joy. In every moment His glory shines and there is nothing more precious to me than that.