Tag Archives: dating

The Kiss

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Every been kissed in a dream so well, you had to wake up to make sure it wasn’t real. If not I have not decided if it is something that can be missed or if I should recommend it. See I’ve never been kissed so how it compares I wouldn’t be able to tell you regardless. I guess I’ll share the dream with you since nobody’s listening.

So a scientist/doctor is experimenting with spatial time travel, figuring if one can move a town through space it could save numerous lives. This was in reaction to the fact we were always too late for some train of events, who should deem to use this had not been ironed out as of yet. Really it was like copying a group of people cutting and pasting them somewhere else. The trouble with this is the space the people are moved to must be of equal of more spatially than where they were coming from. Hence the first experiments in Iowa, in a weird town. I enter the scene of what seems to be my family leaving a home that may not have been ours. I deduce this my the fact we were exiting  through the window and leaving booby traps. Fast forward a bit and I’m left wandering following a small cat and puppy who I snatched before ditching our previous habitat. I seem unconcerned by the lack of people on the streets, an though I know I have no idea where I am, I know where to go. I enter a home that has an ample kitchen sofa and dining in one area with one door on the parallel wall. I don’t know why but everything in my being tells me not to go through that door. I eat what seems to be empanadas, I stare at the door pretending not to show I am determined not to go through. I have the oddest sense the entire time of being watched and knowing my family at one point has passed through here. I lay on the couch and sleep. Blissful it is not I am jolted to face the doctor/scientist (his name escapes me) he tells me, he has my family and they are trapped and prisoners, and will remain so unless….. he is showing me them through the only remaining door on the wall (again I have the strange sense in my dream they used to be four one for each member of my family) but as I peer through they are just rag dolls on little chairs. At this point I see the man’s nervousness. An he begins to ramble to himself “it wasn’t supposed to be this way, cut and paste why isn’t there a paper clip to help me now. gah what to do what to do , this must be a side effect, there’s is no where to paste her where to paste her.”

Me:OKAY what is up your mumbling is getting on my nerves.

Doc: Yes.. yes sorry dear take a seat and open the fridge it will show you images that may jog your memory. I do as told and a picture or a terrible crash about to happen is shown there are multiple people scattered and at first I feel I’m the girl there chasing after the cat. and decide that is whom I must be.

Doc: I will introduce you to someone “COME OUT this mostly your fault interfering always butting in, out comes this guy 23 or 24 tall, white, lean to muscular build think Joseph Gordon Levitt, I stare at him feeling like I should know him yet nothing comes to mind.

Guy: stumbles in gah who are you guys, why am I here what happened to my clothes *stares at my face* you your the reason, let me go don’t make me do this I want to go home, *falls to his knees*

At this point me and the doc are equally perplexed, out comes this figure who picks up the sniveling guy shakes him mumbles “how could you embarrass me like this gah why do I tinker and work” and promptly pushes the “man” onto the floor, said mention fellow unceremoniously changes to a rat and scurries away.

“Real” Guy: I truly am sorry sometimes you try and do things and they sometimes my fail. He smirks at me  one of those smirks that makes you wonder what exactly he is smirking about.

Doc: what did you do why is she here we were supposed to place the town right back the way we found it. Nothing more or less, exactly the same.

Guy: hey I’m not the one running around making edits before doing a head count, how was I supposed to know she wouldn’t go back. (he slid a look my way that implied very much he knew that was exactly what would happen.

Now I didn’t exactly not like the way this particular gentleman was looking at me but thought it highly inappropriate to the picture I had of myself in my mind of 12 years old with mitten and pigtails.

Doc: Sigh your confusing the poor girl, you could have at least let her know what you were doing before blocking the cut. Turns to me wiping his glasses, well it seems you may be stuck here with us so I may as well begin to explain myself and the events that have occurred the photo you see is a picture of the town you previously occupied that was pasted here so some corrections could be made to their homes then pasted back. You’ve all lived here these few years unknowingly, however since we do not know the full effects of keeping you here we needed to send you promptly back. however before doing so there was some commotion and some people (shoots look at the Guy now grinning widely) deemed they needed to tinker with things. So we were able to transfer everyone to exact time and space needed, however you weren’t accounted for and since I have made several edits to the town I am unable to send you along, as well you are no longer formatted to your town.

Me: But my mom and and wait did I have a mom right of course I mean I’m 12 can’t exactly be going  around the world  alone. feel them both looking at me with strange looks.

Guy: Love you might need to glance at the fridge a few more times make sure you find yourself before your brain does a number on you.

I glance at the picture and now see Guy there blocking of a 22 yr old girl dark hair, staring at the little girl in front of her pigtails flying chancing a cat and puppy as they jump into the dark haired girls arms. I than glance closer and realize I’m wearing the same clothes as her, I look down further examining my features and realize I am most definitely not the 12 yr girl. A memory flashes: me rushes to class passing by Guy and looking down as I hurry to class, walking home and glancing up to see him tipping his imaginary hat to me. Another girl, Guy and myself, chuckling to ourselves before our psych class. Guy and my close friend in close confidence, and a deep chocking feeling.

Doc:Cough… my dear you may want to take a seat and um adjust your um.

Me: I looked up wide eyed what…what… shaking myself out of my last thought.

Guy: Gosh, doc now I got to be all chivalrous while you ruin my show, love your shirt is revealing a little more than the doc feels you might be comfortable with, but I say be rebellious and prove him wrong **winks**.

Time Flashes Forward scenes quickly pass through watching towns on the fridge, hanging out with Guy and chatting with the Doc about the reasons he should begin further research with smaller items and work back up to towns, like starting with thinks people won’t be suspicious about disappearing and showing up again.

Than it settles back on Guy and I acting out a play, I have a veil on and have demurely read my part to perfection where out of nowhere he kisses me through my veil.

Me: Hey :pushes back: that is most definitely not your line I lift my veil.

He kisses me again…. I push him back a little later…

Guy: Fine, Fine oh Rosalind your alabaster is so alabaster and attempts to kiss me again

Me: We are doing Romeo and Juliet is there a Rosalind in this one

He than shoots me a look that says, Really, I could stop trying to kiss you. I blush and apparently regain my sense. and let him kiss me. The dream slows, time ticking past as he just looks at me with that look of triumph, reverence, and a solemn glance of promise that this will not be the last time he kisses me this way.

And than I woke up, alone and with what I assume was a dreamy smirk. Cause when I rolled out of bed I had one of those I accomplished a lot today looks. And the very vivid memory of this dream. So there it is I don’t know what to say, it wasn’t a smutty dream, at least not to me sorry if you thought it was. It was like watching and being part of a very intriguing film. It was much more vivid in my mind the scenery I really can’t place into words. But I can elaborate on any other specifics if you like just shoot me a comment.

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Clarity Among the Smog covered Sky

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So I know, you’ve all been waiting on bated breath for my next post, ……..PREPARE YOURSELF, it will be the most usual un-extraordinary thing you read today.  However I don’t presume to know how much excitement you get daily. Anyway now that we’ve greeted one another let’s get to it.

                As you may have noticed I have not kept up with the predetermined structure of things, I have decided I am too disorganized to place my thoughts on specific days. I honestly attempted to and I tip my hat to those who are able to succeed where I have failed. So this basically just means all the topics I listed will be addressed just whenever I want or all at once. This is feeling like an all or nothing post

                So firstly I just finished moving back home to have the mortgage company say time to pack up. Sigh it has and will be a daunting time. We had our first garage sale ever and I can proudly state we made 186 dollars ^_^. That may seem like chump change but I was excited as we were going to throw all this stuff away due to downsizing. So this whole situation has been mellowing my family out majorly which is understandable. My way to cope is to wade through and attempt to tackle something that does not require me to really do anything but is socially acceptable to complain about while doing nothing.

                And that ladies and gents (classy right 😉 brings us to dating. Now I tend to think of this subject when I have way more important stuff to think about. This is called deflection kiddos, which works well. Now I won’t say everyone around me is dating cause they aren’t, so no comparing. The thing that bugged me is I went out looking like this todayImageand not a single date in my entire life. Mind you I don’t count creepy cat calls, as adoration from the males of our species. Now I don’t mean that I’m surprised that men saw all this awesomeness (note heavy sarcasm,) and weren’t tripping over themselves. What I mean is I’m a half well adjusted girl with a shoulder bag of issues no more and am still eating sushi wondering why I’m single.

                Mind I know that I am single because I’m not ready for a real relationship and God is trying to save me from heartache, but it’s like when your mom won’t let you play on the street with the cars. Mom keeps staying we will be going to a park full of swings, it will be fun you just have to wait until we’re ready to leave. Mean while as a kid your just thinking yea the parks great, but how come all those kids get to play on the street, why don’t they have to wait, yes it dangerous, yes it’s not as cool as the park but is there now. That’s how I feel like I want to settle.  Now please mind this any gents reading this I am not demeaning you by comparing you to playing around and apologize for any offense beforehand.

                What I mean by all this is my impatience gets the better of me. More so when I have terrible things happening to me, I have an innate need for the scales to tip. Yes I have to move again have no stability when I attempting college again, have my student loans threatening to send me to collections because I haven’t been a good little student, but hey I get to go hang out with someone and forget all of it. Pretend I’m carefree, make out breath, and live in the moment. However relationships only exist that way in a 90min movie or AMV.  I want a snapshot of happiness amongst everything.

                Now mind you I am extremely blessed, beyond words, so I know for me this sucks, it could be worse. It can get worse, if it like to but at the end of the day I have God. So yeah I have to work harder at walking up every morning. And maybe I cry more than I like, but at the end of it all I have someone to lean into, that loves me. So I’ll let him worry about it.  I will give my worries to my Savior and lose control. Just let His will be done. Change the things I can and accept those that are unchangeable. 

pssss: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE PICS SMALL GRRRR!!!!

****Rant****

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So I figured I should forewarn that this post will sound mostly like a huge complaint. Full of sighs, I really wish I wasn’t feeling the things that I am, but I keep denying it so I figured I should get everything off my chest once. That is while telling everyone and no one at all. So it concerns a friend, lets call him Eh! (kind of just went on a NY accent run). So Eh and I have first met about 2 yrs or so ago. He was a good friend, I just trusted him more than I should and made the hugest mistake I ever could…. I started “liking” him. An error of judgement I have regretted and not regretted all at the same time.

Our friendship was fine, nothing to write home about, than he found out I liked him…. cue awkwardness. I really didn’t care it was my first crush so not a Nicholas Sparks novel, I liked him he was nice, witty, and seeks God. Than it all went wrong, I still don’t really know what it was. He’s a great guy just not for me to be friends with, at least not close friends. One day we’re thick as thieves, than I’m getting disowned by friends left and right. I’m not going to lie I was pissed, Eh said I had changed I was ruining our friendship, that we should talk. But we never did cause he never really wanted to, he just wanted me to fix things. The day I knew we couldn’t be friends should have been when he forced me to lie than threw it back in my face when I tried to make it right. However it was on a trip heading back home from a conference, I was having an emotional moment with God, crying and he kept tapping me as I was praying, to ask me to be on he side while he was flirting with a girl. At that moment began my short  fuse of tolerance, it would take me a few more months for it all to sink in.

So I let it go, he’d tried to act like nothing every happened tried to be like we were before, but he has a gf and I have rules. If your my guy friend and you are in a relationship, I don’t hang out alone with you, I don’t seek you out first in a group of friends and much less so when you know I liked you once upon a time. So the  reason for this rant is he said just one phrase while he and some of my friends and I were hanging out. One phrase ticked me off….. You know you’ve missed this……………WHAT REALLY I MISS WHAT **breathes*** being ignored from time to time, toyed with, know you had no concern for me, talked at, the target for snide comments. Yes how could I not miss these things. But at the end of the day I’m not even really mad, I’m more sad. Sad I wasted time, sad that I’m still wasting time. That a glance from him can show me all my insecurities. That I triple guess myself, that I let it have any space in my life.

I lost a friend, and that what I miss. I miss having a friend even if it was only in my head. I’m done thinking about it, what I could have changed. And so I wish I could just look him in the eye and say

” I am going to say some things you are not going to like. Let me get all the way to end before you say anything. After you hear what I have to say, should we never speak, at the junction I am currently at  in life I would be okay with that” deep breath” “You have hurt me, not a pain that will end my world, but a pain that will and has ended our friendship. I forgive you regardless if you don’t think you’ve done anything in error. I just can’t handle the nonchalant attitude. Friendships should consist of  each friend building on another up, and by that definitions we are not friends. So when we hang out socially don’t bring up times we used to hang out by ourselves, don’t corner me again, and respect my distance. I respect you as a person, but the only way I can respect you as any sort of friend is by you just leaving me be. You don’t want to fix our friendship, so please spare me the mediocre show and dance. Lets lead separate lives that just happen to meet up on a Sunday night from time to time.” That’s it no tears, no screams just those words, maybe one tear would fall I’d salute him a goodbye and drive away.

I guess that is the saddest part of all of this, this guy I thought worried, cared, and respected me, didn’t. The friend I couldn’t wait to talk to now is the person my stomach turns when I know he’s in a room I’m about to enter. It’s weird how life turns out, one year I want to occupy your mind and now I wished I’d wouldn’t have wasted so much time. But I learned so much, I grew through the tribulations and trials, and for that I thank  God for you. I wouldn’t change a single thing about how this has ended, God has taught me lessons I don’t ever want to forget. I won’t ever say these  things I feel so I throw the bottle out to sea, and pray the tide brings in healing waters. I’m ready to look forward to see what God sees in me. And this is a part of the things that are holding me back. So this is me letting go. To anyone out there reading this, I’m sorry if it wasn’t the thing you were looking for, and hope I didn’t waste too much of your time.