That awkward moment everyone else is asleep and I’m here wide awake. I don’t know what my last update was and I don’t feel tye need to reminisce about it. Ever since I stopped counseling I’ve had terrible bouts of insomnia and spacing out. I’m trying to ground myself but it doesn’t seem to be working. I feel like everything is moving forwardn and I’m a hundred steps back. I wish I could catch up but I don’t know where to go. I’m always in conflict wanting two opposites at onc the lack of sleep doesn’t help. 3am staying up makes me sleep in late and I lose another day. Also temptation set in I fight with not watching hentai and yes girls deal with battling sex too we dont have a support group. I can’t walk up to my friends who can’t even talk about sex and ask them tk hold me accountable to not wat hentai. If you don’t know what it is don’t wiki it that was my first step. Anyway off topic that was never there it ls ben rough, my mom’s friend and my old boss died last week @45 left his wife and 3yr old daughter. Which also has me on edge I do not deal with death well I shut down and just look for things I can do to help, but I don’t cry I can’t it drains what little self control i have left. Sorry for the mess I’ll try and be more coherent next time. And so I will leave you with the last words my pseudo uncle left his wife: Di I love you so much and I love our daughter so much but I feel this heavy need to sleep, I’m sorry I love you but I have to sleep I’m so tired….
Technically I should be asleep. I should be preparing to wake up in the next few hours, refreshed and clear headed. However I am not, since I have a few thoughts tangled up in my mind that I’d like to jot down.
Firstly I am so swapped with school and work right now I see myself slipping into old habits. Its like when you say something dumb but its too late. However it is not too late and I plan on fixing the sitution this week so it doesn’t hurt the rest of my semester.
Secondly my brother and I are buying a house. I say this without having begun the process but am seeing more and more that this is what God is leaning our family towards. This is a big grown up step. Like BAM your not a kid you own a home deal with your self. It has not fully sunk in, I’m very nervous and excited.
Thirdly (?) I had a break down recently where I was in an argument with my mom and insta-cried and I knew it had nothing to do with the issue at hand. So I had to take a deep breath and remember where I was. That has never happened to me and was quite unnerving. I don’t know if I should be proud I stopped myself or scared there is still that much raw emotion from my childhood. I really went to a place I rarely go, I pretend it doesn’t exist therefore it doesn’t matter. Now it seems that is not going to work I pray that God helps me not to snap on those I love.
Fourthly (?) there is a cute guy at my bible study. ^_^ I mean he is like 12 (20) cough finally cough. Joking, my point being there aren’t many cute christian guys I know this is superficial and yes judge me for it I know I’m not the creme of the crop. It’s just nice to see cute guys in the faith is all. Mind you it may also have to do with I didn’t place him in insta you are my friend zone. As due to my insecurity I do this with almost all of my guy friends. Not that they would mind they are all younger than me regardless. But I have a terrible tendency to treat everyone as a child. As I know how to cope with children, and I find people my own age not very adult like. Which is why I find myself getting along with fringe characters, sort of people(transformers) who are more than meets the eye. And I actually proactive spoke with above referenced guy without provacation. Mind you it’s not like I’m awaiting to date him, it’s just very out of the norm for me to begin conversations with persons of the male persuasion on my own. So this was very fasincating.
Fifthly (?) I wish I were a completely different person every time I wake up, but it’s beginning to wiegh on me more now as I get older and there is less time to change
So I think that’s about it a lot more stuff is running around but sleep she waits for no one and I must catch her. So thanks for paying any mind at all to this, and type at you soon. Oh also shoot me any Q’ you have and give you some A’s for your troubles thanks.
***Please note this was written just after the previous post. ***Though edited and posted much later lol*********
My day began amazingly my morning class went well. I woke up at five am after posting my daring and exciting post last night (I must figure a way to highlight sarcasm versus these damn parenthesis’s) made fajita and was set to go for today. So then it was around 7am and I forgot to look up my class room. As I get to my mom’s computer I looked online and boom my 7:30 am class magically turned into a 9:00am class. Suffice to say my day got better. I breeze to school find an awesome parking, and misplace my classroom but with the help of my awesome big brother arrive 3 mins early. Now class is a breeze I mean I’ve flunked it twice so I think I know what to expect :P. Yet I was surprised today Dr. Thomas Murray, (should you ever attend UCF and want to be a teacher take this man for any class he is teaching) was advising our band of misfits class about being careful of the schools we wish to observe.
The reasons being One: everyday is a potential job interview, which though nice can be daunting. Secondly do not volunteer where it is easiest per say. Go to a school that reflects where you want to be hired. BOOM that hit me like a ton of bricks, my passion is to teach inner city kids, title one schools, however all my volunteer work has been in A* schools. I was realizing what a detriment I was doing to myself and future students. Literally I felt as if God stared me down and whispered these simple words, what are you preparing for. Your preparation and planning is not for the plans I have for you. Your learning about a job I have not prepared for you.
Now noted this epiphany is still dawning on me as I type, so I apologize if the flow of this post took a little turn. I will save this for another post but a main note God IS Good He reveals to those whom seek answers, and for people like me you are reluctant to listen at times a nice tap to the back-o-the-head never hurt. ^_^. To recap class was good than I got the unexpected text DUN DUN DUN. I take this time and moment to confess into the abyss of the internet, I AM A COWARD. Well a prevention specialist same difference. Last year I had a good chunk of people treat me like trash so once they all decided to leave, I passive aggressively deleted their numbers. Mind I also deleted people who I just don’t speak to as much as well figured throw out all the bath water. Anyway all I get in the text is Hi stranger :). That’s it so this does not help matters, so I send what I think is a clever message
“Hey …um apparently my phone has decided to hide ur identity regardless of which hi “friend” (I am currently assuming our friendship please adv if incorrect 😛 ” ***pats self on back*** I was all proud of myself, so I than let my mind wander and thought it was Eh (any questions concerning said character please see hyperlink) As I presume you are caught up, you now understand why my mood suddenly changed. Now note it was fortunately enough my friend Jacob whom I must see at some point before the semester ends. But I must admit a small tiny part of me wasn’t as excited it wasn’t him.
Now once realization of this error in life, I was really mad at myself, was I really so weak. I have completely forgotten everything that has happened. and than once I had finally stopped being myself up I gave myself the chance to explain
See it not that I don’t remember what happened but I would like to pretend it never did, that would be so much simpler. Than nothing would be awkward. So the reason I’m not completely excited it wasn’t him is because it means I really won’t ever get the chance to pretend. Because if he had texted we could have joked, and I would have thoroughly convinced you to be who you used to be.
So upon reaching the conclusion of this inner struggle all the fight left me and I looked at the broken little girl I very rarely actually listen to and speak with. I looked on the small desire of my heart to run , and thanked God for the strength that allows me to not fall into old practices. Suffice to say I am glad that I admitted these things semi out loud.
The reason being bible study is tomorrow night now mind you I do not plan going any other time this semester as I will be ridiculously busy. Now he will be there and initially I did not want to go, mostly cause I hate the way I look and don’t really want anyone I know seeing me period. So after finishing this post I have no hesitations about going tomorrow night. I know I’m of a different mind, I’ve let the Trinity get a stronger grip on my life, so where I walk next God himself will have enter before me, assuring anything that happens will not be more than I can handle giving everything to him. So as the lights dim here at UCF I will still for a while more read a lovely ghost story as the lights grow dim and look forward to the rest of my life.
***If you are from somewhere that is not Florida, here we grade our schools based on a very diverse criteria Cough FCAT cough one exam Cough…. anyway the rankings are from A-F grading system and money is allotted for performance.
So I figured I should forewarn that this post will sound mostly like a huge complaint. Full of sighs, I really wish I wasn’t feeling the things that I am, but I keep denying it so I figured I should get everything off my chest once. That is while telling everyone and no one at all. So it concerns a friend, lets call him Eh! (kind of just went on a NY accent run). So Eh and I have first met about 2 yrs or so ago. He was a good friend, I just trusted him more than I should and made the hugest mistake I ever could…. I started “liking” him. An error of judgement I have regretted and not regretted all at the same time.
Our friendship was fine, nothing to write home about, than he found out I liked him…. cue awkwardness. I really didn’t care it was my first crush so not a Nicholas Sparks novel, I liked him he was nice, witty, and seeks God. Than it all went wrong, I still don’t really know what it was. He’s a great guy just not for me to be friends with, at least not close friends. One day we’re thick as thieves, than I’m getting disowned by friends left and right. I’m not going to lie I was pissed, Eh said I had changed I was ruining our friendship, that we should talk. But we never did cause he never really wanted to, he just wanted me to fix things. The day I knew we couldn’t be friends should have been when he forced me to lie than threw it back in my face when I tried to make it right. However it was on a trip heading back home from a conference, I was having an emotional moment with God, crying and he kept tapping me as I was praying, to ask me to be on he side while he was flirting with a girl. At that moment began my short fuse of tolerance, it would take me a few more months for it all to sink in.
So I let it go, he’d tried to act like nothing every happened tried to be like we were before, but he has a gf and I have rules. If your my guy friend and you are in a relationship, I don’t hang out alone with you, I don’t seek you out first in a group of friends and much less so when you know I liked you once upon a time. So the reason for this rant is he said just one phrase while he and some of my friends and I were hanging out. One phrase ticked me off….. You know you’ve missed this……………WHAT REALLY I MISS WHAT **breathes*** being ignored from time to time, toyed with, know you had no concern for me, talked at, the target for snide comments. Yes how could I not miss these things. But at the end of the day I’m not even really mad, I’m more sad. Sad I wasted time, sad that I’m still wasting time. That a glance from him can show me all my insecurities. That I triple guess myself, that I let it have any space in my life.
I lost a friend, and that what I miss. I miss having a friend even if it was only in my head. I’m done thinking about it, what I could have changed. And so I wish I could just look him in the eye and say
” I am going to say some things you are not going to like. Let me get all the way to end before you say anything. After you hear what I have to say, should we never speak, at the junction I am currently at in life I would be okay with that” deep breath” “You have hurt me, not a pain that will end my world, but a pain that will and has ended our friendship. I forgive you regardless if you don’t think you’ve done anything in error. I just can’t handle the nonchalant attitude. Friendships should consist of each friend building on another up, and by that definitions we are not friends. So when we hang out socially don’t bring up times we used to hang out by ourselves, don’t corner me again, and respect my distance. I respect you as a person, but the only way I can respect you as any sort of friend is by you just leaving me be. You don’t want to fix our friendship, so please spare me the mediocre show and dance. Lets lead separate lives that just happen to meet up on a Sunday night from time to time.” That’s it no tears, no screams just those words, maybe one tear would fall I’d salute him a goodbye and drive away.
I guess that is the saddest part of all of this, this guy I thought worried, cared, and respected me, didn’t. The friend I couldn’t wait to talk to now is the person my stomach turns when I know he’s in a room I’m about to enter. It’s weird how life turns out, one year I want to occupy your mind and now I wished I’d wouldn’t have wasted so much time. But I learned so much, I grew through the tribulations and trials, and for that I thank God for you. I wouldn’t change a single thing about how this has ended, God has taught me lessons I don’t ever want to forget. I won’t ever say these things I feel so I throw the bottle out to sea, and pray the tide brings in healing waters. I’m ready to look forward to see what God sees in me. And this is a part of the things that are holding me back. So this is me letting go. To anyone out there reading this, I’m sorry if it wasn’t the thing you were looking for, and hope I didn’t waste too much of your time.