At Work She Writes

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I figured rather than going slightly insane at work, I could write a post since it been so long. So I’m about a week away from entering a new house which is exciting and scary all at the same time. I really wish it were more certain, but I’m enjoying the calm before the storm. Schools almost over and I’m running behind as usually, So I’ve redefined online classes are not for me. I really am not well displaced enough for them. Speaking of discipline I’m pretty sure that’s my word for this coming year. I need to learn discipline, like Washington needs to keep their pants on. I mean maybe a little less than Washington but definitely in the middle somewhere. I mean I haven’t lost a single pound since I wrote the post about losing wait. I think I gained 2lbs actually. Regardless I’ve kept true to my word of minimizing my social impact, but I’ve just picked up other bad habits like dating sims and online Japanese stuff. But today is a reboot, and the new house is a new being. throwing out stuff I don’t need. finishing things that need to get done. Returning Items I have borrowed. As a side note, I am a terrible borrower, I have 4 items that I borrowed way to long ago to still have. I’ve will be moving twice and still have this things sigh. One is a housekeepers outfit and a Neon Trees album that I borrowed from someone I haven’t seen in a year, we had a conflict and the resolution was separation. Than I have a Office season something DVD I’ve never watched that I borrowed from a friend that I haven’t seen cause were both super busy and well I’m bigger and don’t want to see him so I must mail this. And lastly ACII that I was given by my awesome person T-wolf. They say you never forget your first and I probably won’t. AC II first video game I every completed 92% and every now and then I add a few more memories on the game. So the wonderful owner of this game moved back home. So may be it’s not a bad borrow, so much as I have bad timing, I have solved how to get the dress and cd back to friend number one via my mom whose friends with her mom. And the other two it will have to be via the mail which will probably be the first week of December near my b-day. Happy b-day to me I’m giving back your stuff lol.
 
And yes I’m still at work, I’m not trying to waste time but apparently every time I speak with a co-worker someone cries. Apparently my face screams let us get emotionally deep while on the clock. I must figure out the facial vibes i am sending to figure it all out. so back from the two side notes
 
I’ve decided to get more self control, which will be difficult but baby steps. First waking up the same time everyday, Secondly adhering to my class schedule. Arriving to work 20mins early to work, regardless of when I went to bed. Also I need to take care of my stuff more. Like currently my car is all clean and after the closing of the new house I’ll take it to the mechanic to get everything changed. Also I have to get ready for the puppy were getting my brother ^_^. It’s a surprise but that also takes a lot of discipline. I have a cat, which takes the discipline of 0 to care for. But with two pets that ups the anti I will have to take them for checkups and shots and all that good stuff. It shall be intriguing. Sigh it really is a bit slow today at work, but I don’t mind, I like it. It lets me clear my mind.
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The Kiss

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Every been kissed in a dream so well, you had to wake up to make sure it wasn’t real. If not I have not decided if it is something that can be missed or if I should recommend it. See I’ve never been kissed so how it compares I wouldn’t be able to tell you regardless. I guess I’ll share the dream with you since nobody’s listening.

So a scientist/doctor is experimenting with spatial time travel, figuring if one can move a town through space it could save numerous lives. This was in reaction to the fact we were always too late for some train of events, who should deem to use this had not been ironed out as of yet. Really it was like copying a group of people cutting and pasting them somewhere else. The trouble with this is the space the people are moved to must be of equal of more spatially than where they were coming from. Hence the first experiments in Iowa, in a weird town. I enter the scene of what seems to be my family leaving a home that may not have been ours. I deduce this my the fact we were exiting  through the window and leaving booby traps. Fast forward a bit and I’m left wandering following a small cat and puppy who I snatched before ditching our previous habitat. I seem unconcerned by the lack of people on the streets, an though I know I have no idea where I am, I know where to go. I enter a home that has an ample kitchen sofa and dining in one area with one door on the parallel wall. I don’t know why but everything in my being tells me not to go through that door. I eat what seems to be empanadas, I stare at the door pretending not to show I am determined not to go through. I have the oddest sense the entire time of being watched and knowing my family at one point has passed through here. I lay on the couch and sleep. Blissful it is not I am jolted to face the doctor/scientist (his name escapes me) he tells me, he has my family and they are trapped and prisoners, and will remain so unless….. he is showing me them through the only remaining door on the wall (again I have the strange sense in my dream they used to be four one for each member of my family) but as I peer through they are just rag dolls on little chairs. At this point I see the man’s nervousness. An he begins to ramble to himself “it wasn’t supposed to be this way, cut and paste why isn’t there a paper clip to help me now. gah what to do what to do , this must be a side effect, there’s is no where to paste her where to paste her.”

Me:OKAY what is up your mumbling is getting on my nerves.

Doc: Yes.. yes sorry dear take a seat and open the fridge it will show you images that may jog your memory. I do as told and a picture or a terrible crash about to happen is shown there are multiple people scattered and at first I feel I’m the girl there chasing after the cat. and decide that is whom I must be.

Doc: I will introduce you to someone “COME OUT this mostly your fault interfering always butting in, out comes this guy 23 or 24 tall, white, lean to muscular build think Joseph Gordon Levitt, I stare at him feeling like I should know him yet nothing comes to mind.

Guy: stumbles in gah who are you guys, why am I here what happened to my clothes *stares at my face* you your the reason, let me go don’t make me do this I want to go home, *falls to his knees*

At this point me and the doc are equally perplexed, out comes this figure who picks up the sniveling guy shakes him mumbles “how could you embarrass me like this gah why do I tinker and work” and promptly pushes the “man” onto the floor, said mention fellow unceremoniously changes to a rat and scurries away.

“Real” Guy: I truly am sorry sometimes you try and do things and they sometimes my fail. He smirks at me  one of those smirks that makes you wonder what exactly he is smirking about.

Doc: what did you do why is she here we were supposed to place the town right back the way we found it. Nothing more or less, exactly the same.

Guy: hey I’m not the one running around making edits before doing a head count, how was I supposed to know she wouldn’t go back. (he slid a look my way that implied very much he knew that was exactly what would happen.

Now I didn’t exactly not like the way this particular gentleman was looking at me but thought it highly inappropriate to the picture I had of myself in my mind of 12 years old with mitten and pigtails.

Doc: Sigh your confusing the poor girl, you could have at least let her know what you were doing before blocking the cut. Turns to me wiping his glasses, well it seems you may be stuck here with us so I may as well begin to explain myself and the events that have occurred the photo you see is a picture of the town you previously occupied that was pasted here so some corrections could be made to their homes then pasted back. You’ve all lived here these few years unknowingly, however since we do not know the full effects of keeping you here we needed to send you promptly back. however before doing so there was some commotion and some people (shoots look at the Guy now grinning widely) deemed they needed to tinker with things. So we were able to transfer everyone to exact time and space needed, however you weren’t accounted for and since I have made several edits to the town I am unable to send you along, as well you are no longer formatted to your town.

Me: But my mom and and wait did I have a mom right of course I mean I’m 12 can’t exactly be going  around the world  alone. feel them both looking at me with strange looks.

Guy: Love you might need to glance at the fridge a few more times make sure you find yourself before your brain does a number on you.

I glance at the picture and now see Guy there blocking of a 22 yr old girl dark hair, staring at the little girl in front of her pigtails flying chancing a cat and puppy as they jump into the dark haired girls arms. I than glance closer and realize I’m wearing the same clothes as her, I look down further examining my features and realize I am most definitely not the 12 yr girl. A memory flashes: me rushes to class passing by Guy and looking down as I hurry to class, walking home and glancing up to see him tipping his imaginary hat to me. Another girl, Guy and myself, chuckling to ourselves before our psych class. Guy and my close friend in close confidence, and a deep chocking feeling.

Doc:Cough… my dear you may want to take a seat and um adjust your um.

Me: I looked up wide eyed what…what… shaking myself out of my last thought.

Guy: Gosh, doc now I got to be all chivalrous while you ruin my show, love your shirt is revealing a little more than the doc feels you might be comfortable with, but I say be rebellious and prove him wrong **winks**.

Time Flashes Forward scenes quickly pass through watching towns on the fridge, hanging out with Guy and chatting with the Doc about the reasons he should begin further research with smaller items and work back up to towns, like starting with thinks people won’t be suspicious about disappearing and showing up again.

Than it settles back on Guy and I acting out a play, I have a veil on and have demurely read my part to perfection where out of nowhere he kisses me through my veil.

Me: Hey :pushes back: that is most definitely not your line I lift my veil.

He kisses me again…. I push him back a little later…

Guy: Fine, Fine oh Rosalind your alabaster is so alabaster and attempts to kiss me again

Me: We are doing Romeo and Juliet is there a Rosalind in this one

He than shoots me a look that says, Really, I could stop trying to kiss you. I blush and apparently regain my sense. and let him kiss me. The dream slows, time ticking past as he just looks at me with that look of triumph, reverence, and a solemn glance of promise that this will not be the last time he kisses me this way.

And than I woke up, alone and with what I assume was a dreamy smirk. Cause when I rolled out of bed I had one of those I accomplished a lot today looks. And the very vivid memory of this dream. So there it is I don’t know what to say, it wasn’t a smutty dream, at least not to me sorry if you thought it was. It was like watching and being part of a very intriguing film. It was much more vivid in my mind the scenery I really can’t place into words. But I can elaborate on any other specifics if you like just shoot me a comment.

Spiraling

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I’m spiraling with every move and type of the letter I make I’m spiraling down and down the rabbit hole I go. So why, WHY!!!. sigh. I’m going to preamble this THIS WILL BE A RANT SUCK FEST MOODY CRAP FILLED ANNOYING TO READ MISSPELLED POST.!!!! SO DON’T READ IF ANY OF THE PREVIOUS DESCRIBE CRITERIA CAN NOT BE PLACED IN YOUR LEISURE READING. This is really inner dialogue I need out so please do pass on this post if you would like to.!!!!!!!!!

So now that, this warning is out of the way back to spiraling. You ever had that feeling everything was slipping away and you just had two options: fight for it or let it slip away. That’s where I am. And I don’t know why. (I’m literally tearing up) I can’t explain myself, I don’t make any sense to anyone. I don’t want to. Please do not mistake this I don’t want pity I don’t want you to “get me”  I don’t get me how the hell would anyone else get me.  On the surface I should be fine I walk around like I just have a few bumps and bruises in my shell that I’m not prone to being hurt. The truth is I feel deep, to deep. For me to survive the pain inflicted on me I have to make my pain less, I have to understand your situation why your hurting me, why you don’t mean it.

I’m so over it, I can’t deal with people anymore, currently the mere thought of walking up and breathing tomorrow is annoying me. I can’t stand myself. Do you know what it is to wake up every day and know your the reason you have to convince yourself your pretty. That to cope with the abuse and crap you turned to food and not God. That for you to be able to breathe the same air and everyone else you have to blame everything on someone else. I can’t stand it, I want to disappear so this is my farewell address, to  being known. I cutting ties, And if your a friend of mine I’m sorry, I really am but until December 10th, forget I exist erase me completely don’t text me nothing. I just can’t I need to float through for a while I can’t bare the thought of caring and thinking. I need space from life but that doesn’t happen. I’m so full of hurt and anger and misplaced emotions. And in the mix of this I have a full course load and a full time job and am clinically depressed. So somethings has to give, and for once it can’t be me.

I really don’t even know what to do Oh God, why do you give things I can’t bear, I know you wish me to run to you, but I’m scared to move, to rely completely on you. You every night for three years I cried out to you to end my abuse, to show me hope, yet you gave me strength to stop it on my own. Now I stand he ill equipped for the bible ahead. I’m lost in a sea of purpose of things to do that need to get done. Of priorities I set above you. I wish to here Your voice but yet draw away before you get to close. For this spiral I know well and this hole has a place for me, things here unchanged, nevre pushing me just cradling me in sweet darkness. It reminds me of the places I go in my mind to be far away from things here, yet you draw me back. Why do you draw me back, to pain to suffering, I know you wish only good, for me but I am undeserving, am wretched, stained, and stubborn, sinful in all my ways. Yet you wish to draw me near to you, and I seek nothing more than the solace in your arms. How I wish I could change and ran to you clean free of all my troubles, but I have hindered my way, and your Son’s blood must cleanse me. I am ashamed, lost to wolves only wishing to grasp the helm of your robe to find healing when you wish to embrace me in your love.

My world is upside down and in two years I feel the same worse three steps behind but my its time to place the mask up once more, and pray I don’t forget who lies beneath, that I give the little girl I once was so long before evil touched my life a chance to breathe. Until than I pretend and dance to the beat of the music played before me. Swaying to the symphony of life as long as God desires. And one day I know this mask with crack and become ill fitted to me. For I will have grown and the girl I once was will blossom. But until that they the mask will guard her until I allow myself to be guarded of god. And rest my battles at His feet. Until that day I wipe my tears and hope anew. I persevere and survive, for God you have given me the will though faint fire inside me to fight to crawl, scrap, tear, and struggle through my own walls as you give me strength.

I end this night not knowing what or why tomorrow brings but knowing my infliction, trials, obstacles, blessing, triumphs, love comes through you first before touching my life.

Technically

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Technically I should be asleep. I should be preparing to wake up in the next few hours, refreshed and clear headed. However I am not, since  I have a few thoughts tangled up in my mind that I’d like to jot down.

Firstly I am so swapped with school and work right now I see myself  slipping into old habits. Its like when you say something dumb but its too late. However it is not too late and I plan on fixing the sitution this week so it doesn’t hurt the rest of my semester.

Secondly my brother and I are buying a house. I say this without having begun the process but am seeing more and more that this is what God is leaning our family towards. This is a big grown up step. Like BAM your not a kid you own a home deal with your self. It has not fully sunk in, I’m very nervous and excited.

Thirdly (?) I had a break down recently where I was in an argument with my mom and insta-cried and I knew it had nothing to do with the issue at hand. So I had to take a deep breath and remember where I was. That has never happened to me and was quite unnerving. I don’t know if I should be proud I stopped myself or scared there is still that much raw emotion from my childhood. I really went to a place I rarely go, I pretend it doesn’t exist therefore it doesn’t matter. Now it seems that is not going to work I pray that God helps me not to snap on those I love.

Fourthly (?) there is a cute guy at my bible study. ^_^ I mean he is like 12 (20) cough finally cough. Joking, my point being there aren’t many cute christian guys I know this is superficial and yes judge me for it I know I’m not the creme of the crop. It’s just nice to see cute guys in the faith is all. Mind you it may also have to do with I didn’t place him in insta you are my friend zone. As due to my insecurity I do this with almost all of my guy friends. Not that they would mind they are all younger than me regardless. But I have a terrible tendency to treat everyone as a child. As I know how to cope with children, and I find people my own age not very adult like. Which is why I find myself getting along with fringe characters, sort of people(transformers) who are more than meets the eye. And I actually proactive spoke with above referenced guy without provacation. Mind you it’s not like I’m awaiting to date him, it’s just very out of the norm for me to begin conversations with persons of the male persuasion on my own. So this was very fasincating.

Fifthly (?) I wish I were a completely different person every time I wake up, but it’s beginning to wiegh on me more now as I get older and there is less time to change

So I think that’s about it a lot more stuff is running around but sleep she waits for no one and I must catch her. So thanks for paying any mind at all to this, and type at you soon. Oh also shoot me any Q’ you have and give you some A’s for your troubles thanks.

Realization

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***Please note this was written just after the previous post. ***Though edited and posted much later lol*********
My day began amazingly my morning class went well. I woke up at five am after posting my daring and exciting post last night (I must figure a way to highlight sarcasm versus these damn parenthesis’s) made fajita and was set to go for today. So then it was around 7am and I forgot to look up my class room. As I get to my mom’s computer I looked online and boom my 7:30 am class magically turned  into a 9:00am class. Suffice to say my day got better. I breeze to school find an awesome parking, and misplace my classroom but with the help of my awesome big brother arrive 3 mins early. Now class is a breeze I mean I’ve flunked it twice so I think I know what to expect :P. Yet I was surprised today Dr. Thomas Murray, (should you ever attend UCF and want to be a teacher take this man for any class he is teaching) was advising our band of misfits class about being careful of the schools we wish to observe.

The reasons being One: everyday is a potential job interview, which though nice can be daunting. Secondly do not volunteer where it is easiest per say. Go to a school that reflects where you want to be hired. BOOM that hit me like a ton of bricks, my passion is to teach inner city kids,  title one schools, however all my volunteer work has been in A* schools. I was realizing what a detriment I was doing to myself and future students. Literally I felt as if God stared me down and whispered these simple words, what are you preparing for. Your preparation and planning is not for the plans I have for you. Your learning about a job I have not prepared for you.

Now noted this epiphany is still dawning on me as I type, so I apologize if the flow of this post took a little turn. I will save this for another post but a main note God IS Good He reveals to those whom seek answers, and for people like me you are reluctant to listen at times a nice tap to the back-o-the-head never hurt. ^_^.  To recap class was good than I got the unexpected text DUN DUN DUN. I take this time and moment to confess into the abyss of the internet, I AM A COWARD. Well a prevention specialist same difference. Last year I had a good chunk of people treat me like trash so once they all decided to leave, I passive aggressively deleted their numbers. Mind I also deleted people who I just don’t speak to as much as well figured throw out all the bath water. Anyway all I get in the text is Hi stranger :). That’s it so this does not help matters, so I send what I think is a clever message

“Hey …um apparently my phone has decided to hide ur identity regardless of which hi “friend” (I am currently assuming our friendship please adv if incorrect 😛 ” ***pats self on back*** I was all proud of myself, so I than let my mind wander and thought it was Eh (any questions concerning said character please see hyperlink) As I presume you are caught up, you now understand why my mood suddenly changed. Now note it was fortunately enough my friend Jacob whom I must see at some point before the semester ends. But I must admit a small tiny part of me wasn’t as excited it wasn’t him.

Now once realization of this error in life, I was really mad at myself, was I really so weak. I have completely forgotten everything that has happened.  and than once I had finally stopped being myself up I gave myself the chance to explain

See it not that I don’t remember what happened but I would like to pretend it never did, that would be so much simpler. Than nothing would be awkward. So the reason I’m not completely excited it wasn’t him is because it means I really won’t ever get the chance to pretend. Because if he had texted we could have joked, and I would have thoroughly convinced you to be who you used to be.

So upon reaching the conclusion of this inner struggle all the fight left me and I looked at the broken little girl I very rarely actually listen to and speak with. I looked on the small desire of my heart to run , and thanked God for the strength that allows me to not fall into old practices. Suffice to say I am glad that I admitted these things semi out loud.

The reason being bible study is tomorrow night now mind you I do not plan going any other time this semester as I will be ridiculously busy. Now he will be there and initially I did not want to go, mostly cause I hate the way I look and don’t really want anyone I know seeing me period. So after finishing this post I have no hesitations about going tomorrow night. I know I’m of a different mind, I’ve let the Trinity get a stronger grip on my life, so where I walk next God himself will have enter before me, assuring anything that happens will not be more than I can handle giving everything to him. So as the lights dim here at UCF I will still for a while more read a lovely ghost story as the lights grow dim and look forward to the rest of my life.

 

 

***If you are from somewhere that is not Florida, here we grade our schools based on a very diverse criteria Cough FCAT cough one exam Cough…. anyway the rankings are from A-F grading system and money is allotted for performance.

Here We Go Again!!!!!

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And just like that ladies and gents, I am once again a college student. I would be a liar if I didn’t open up with how excited I am. Like really excited I missed school being “normal” 22yr old. My childhood has made sure I won’t ever really be one of the crowd, but than everyone has there stuff and I can blend. Anyway off topic, so I have class today at 7:30 am mind you I am still currently trying to get myself to sleep.

I feel so utterly out of place, like the married guy at a bachelor party. I don’t know where to place my footing. I am not so far behind that it will mean anything in my realm of peers but it makes me reluctant to see them. I am not ashamed I’m still in school, that’s not what is at the core of this. I am ashamed that I had to take a break, that I wasn’t smart enough to pull away sooner, that I allowed myself to be dumb. Sometimes I wish I could go back and be that girl getting off the plane from Spain back in the U.S.

It’s been about two years since I came back from Spain give or take a month. And there was this moment when I was in Philly waiting to transfer flights when I just stopped, breathed and kept going. I want to go back to that moment, I think apart of my knew the two years that were coming up. That I had been stupid my first semester at UCF.But than again I wouldn’t have met T-wolf or VintageJoy, mind this are two spectacular people I really got to know after I stepped of the plan and settled back into life.Now I have to give some honorable mentions to the BTINS (before teaching in Spain) Alicia, whom God showed me how to just let Him be. Showed that I do have a purpose I can help others. Than there’s Brian, I love that kid, I really wish we were closer than we are now but that is an entirely different post.

The point being if I could go back I would, I may try to tweak things, but all I’d really do is erase the people who have hurt me earlier and not been the one shunned out. But if that had happened I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I needed. Which is why I’m also very grateful for this second chance God is giving ‘me. I truly am blessed to be able to go back to school and start to learn something I truly love with a different mindset.

Now this is a note to those who may see me in the day to day. I will hide from you, hell I’ll duck in a bush if I have too. :/ I really wish I were joking but I part of me is still not forgiven myself for throwing away nearly 4 semesters of college away, for falling for a dumb guy,  for not knowing who I am. So I really will be  MIA this semester, so as a heads up, you will have to initiate things with me. I know its sucks and you can wait it out until the spring, but I figured I but that warning in her as well. And please also to anyone who messages me I will be there just perhaps a little late. My clock runs a little slower than yours ^_^. Have an amazing week and wish me luck Cause

Here we Go Again

Clarity Among the Smog covered Sky

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So I know, you’ve all been waiting on bated breath for my next post, ……..PREPARE YOURSELF, it will be the most usual un-extraordinary thing you read today.  However I don’t presume to know how much excitement you get daily. Anyway now that we’ve greeted one another let’s get to it.

                As you may have noticed I have not kept up with the predetermined structure of things, I have decided I am too disorganized to place my thoughts on specific days. I honestly attempted to and I tip my hat to those who are able to succeed where I have failed. So this basically just means all the topics I listed will be addressed just whenever I want or all at once. This is feeling like an all or nothing post

                So firstly I just finished moving back home to have the mortgage company say time to pack up. Sigh it has and will be a daunting time. We had our first garage sale ever and I can proudly state we made 186 dollars ^_^. That may seem like chump change but I was excited as we were going to throw all this stuff away due to downsizing. So this whole situation has been mellowing my family out majorly which is understandable. My way to cope is to wade through and attempt to tackle something that does not require me to really do anything but is socially acceptable to complain about while doing nothing.

                And that ladies and gents (classy right 😉 brings us to dating. Now I tend to think of this subject when I have way more important stuff to think about. This is called deflection kiddos, which works well. Now I won’t say everyone around me is dating cause they aren’t, so no comparing. The thing that bugged me is I went out looking like this todayImageand not a single date in my entire life. Mind you I don’t count creepy cat calls, as adoration from the males of our species. Now I don’t mean that I’m surprised that men saw all this awesomeness (note heavy sarcasm,) and weren’t tripping over themselves. What I mean is I’m a half well adjusted girl with a shoulder bag of issues no more and am still eating sushi wondering why I’m single.

                Mind I know that I am single because I’m not ready for a real relationship and God is trying to save me from heartache, but it’s like when your mom won’t let you play on the street with the cars. Mom keeps staying we will be going to a park full of swings, it will be fun you just have to wait until we’re ready to leave. Mean while as a kid your just thinking yea the parks great, but how come all those kids get to play on the street, why don’t they have to wait, yes it dangerous, yes it’s not as cool as the park but is there now. That’s how I feel like I want to settle.  Now please mind this any gents reading this I am not demeaning you by comparing you to playing around and apologize for any offense beforehand.

                What I mean by all this is my impatience gets the better of me. More so when I have terrible things happening to me, I have an innate need for the scales to tip. Yes I have to move again have no stability when I attempting college again, have my student loans threatening to send me to collections because I haven’t been a good little student, but hey I get to go hang out with someone and forget all of it. Pretend I’m carefree, make out breath, and live in the moment. However relationships only exist that way in a 90min movie or AMV.  I want a snapshot of happiness amongst everything.

                Now mind you I am extremely blessed, beyond words, so I know for me this sucks, it could be worse. It can get worse, if it like to but at the end of the day I have God. So yeah I have to work harder at walking up every morning. And maybe I cry more than I like, but at the end of it all I have someone to lean into, that loves me. So I’ll let him worry about it.  I will give my worries to my Savior and lose control. Just let His will be done. Change the things I can and accept those that are unchangeable. 

pssss: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE PICS SMALL GRRRR!!!!