Category Archives: Uncategorized

Bored on a Rainy Night means TMI

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So I got this off my friends site and figure why not fill it out. 

  • 0: height:5’3
  • 1: age: over 21 younger than 26
  • 2: shoe size: I don’t know why this question makes me not want to answer the rest of the questions
  • 3: do you smoke: ….No
  • 4: do you drink: Yes, on occasion
  • 5: do you take drugs: No
  • 6: age you get mistaken for: 18
  • 7: have tattoos: No
  • 8: want any tattoos: Yes at least one
  • 9: got any piercings: Just the regularly two
  • 10: want any piercings: Nope 
  • 11: best friend: Jesus
  • 12: relationship status: Single 
  • 13: biggest turn ons: Confidence, Humor, Kindness, 
  • 14: biggest turn offs: Arrogance, mean spirit 
  • 15: favorite movie: Lord of the Rings
  • 16: i’ll love you if: You love my family
  • 17: someone you miss: My grandma
  • 18: most traumatic experience: Childhood
  • 19: a fact about your personality: 
  • 20: what i hate most about myself: Loaded question,hmm my ability to talk myself out of almost everything
  • 21: what i love most about myself: My ability to smile through the hard stuff
  • 22: what i want to be when i get older: Stronger, content, and passionate.
  • 23: my relationship with my sibling(s): Awesome I love them
  • 24: my relationship with my parent(s): With my mom great with my dad not so great
  • 25: my idea of a perfect date: Something simple like watching tv or just hanging out, as long as the night is full of laughs I’m game for anything.
  • 26: my biggest pet peeves: Mood killers
  • 27: a description of the girl/boy i like:……I don’t currently like anyone…..
  • 28: a description of the person i dislike the most: hahaha I try not dislike anyone
  • 29: a reason i’ve lied to a friend: Insecurity
  • 30: what i hate the most about work/school: Going to work daily
  • 31: what your last text message says: Sweet
  • 32: what words upset me the most: what you think doesn’t matter. That sentence takes my form 0 to 60
  • 33: what words make me feel the best about myself: I really see Christ in you day to day
  • 34: what i find attractive in women:umm girls who can rock classy looks I think that so awesome
  • 35: what i find attractive in men: Eyes and smile
  • 36: where i would like to live: NYC or Leon, Spain
  • 37: one of my insecurities: Image
  • 38: my childhood career choice: Chef Assassin
  • 39: my favorite ice cream flavor: Mint Chocolate Chip
  • 40: who I wish I could be: I know it cliche but I’d just be a slightly different version of me
  • 41: where i want to be right now: Spain
  • 42: the last thing i ate: Hamburger
  • 43: sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately:Ryan Reynolds I don’t know why but he is the first. 
  • 44: a random fact about anything: In scott pilgrim versus the world it takes Michael Cera 35 takes to throw an amazon package into a trash can
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Words can’t begin to explain

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So these past six days have been okay execpt for two exceptionally rough days. Scratch that waiting 4hrs for a n oil change isn’t that bad. So yesterday I had a mini panic attack at work, which is not fun or great and today I’m still trying to deal. I was supposed to be able to speak with my counselor but apparently she  has a new client with my name. And at the end of june she can’t take my ins. Sigh all of which do not make anything better. Now I just effectively fired her so there’s that. Long story short ing regards to my work place crying fail. My boss was on his way to leave   and all I asked was  Hey did you get my email (my job owes me two hrs overtime) I say the onr about my hrs. This offends him apparently he gets made gets in personal space and tells me to show him the email and explain my math to him I am visibly annoyed because he has taken a simple question and blown it out of portion. He tells me pay roll said they can’t fix it and they not paying and basically not gonna  explain it to me. I advise I’ll just sit with Hr and have them explain it to whuch he states is a waste of time. Another sup gets involed I start having breating issue and crying cause I two people hovering over me and my male supervisor walking around like a fight about to start. It was a lot this went on for 30 minutes the last half hour of my swift was be attempted to control my anxiety while making my supervisor feel good about himself. Sigh
Luckily today was better and the weekend is around the corner. The main reason I was able to calm done is praying and knowing that this event was definitely trying to undo the great work I’m doing in healing from my abuse, and I just thank God that even though I can’t bear it He is always looking out for me and if obstacles are being set I know I’m walking down the right path. So God bless and thanks for tuning in  

High school

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As someone who was homeschooled through middle and high school you wonder what experience you would have had. I’d like to think I would have glided through unscathed but the more and more I ponder on this subject I fear my expecptations are missed placed.
See i’ve found work is highschool you get paid to go to. You have a regular clicks maybe a bit more inclusive but otherwise the same. So how does this effect my rosy view of my non existant highschool years. Well cause I’m typing this from a bathroom stall waiting for my lunch break to finish so I can scurry back to my desk to await this day to be over. Now im running late waiting for it to empty out more so i can slink out sigh my anti soci has recieved an all time high sigh im gonna have to make a run for it until next time adios

A Good Week? :/

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I would like to go on the record as stating that this may have actual been an okay week. Mind you that may not be monumental to you but it weighs significantly in my realm of being. Though as I think back maybe it’s more sad than good by other standards.

Monday I went to the psychiatrist  as you may have dawned on from previous posts, I may  perchance dabble in carrying baggage. Any who, I figured I have insurance now so I’ll put my big girl pants on and go, see what this unbiased third party has to say. I picked a christian one cause I don’t know why I think they would be less,  here take this drug, maybe it’s the random rude comments people have made to me about not praying my problems away (note to self see if one can pray away a broken nose). So back on track my Dr. sits me down and asks me why I’m there etc, and to explain if anything makes me nervous. I was like sweet she not looking at me like I’m a crazy person maybe I’m not as bad as I think, maybe I can deal with my issues by not dealing with them…..I should have known better. I will paraphrase the words that now have me on Zoloft (generic) and taking a battery of blood tests.

“Well I get nervous in crowds. When I sit in a room full of people my back needs to be against the wall. I need to know where the exits are. I don’t like walking in front of the group I’m in. When walking around campus I don’t like direct eye contact with people. People make me nervous, it takes a big effort to be around my friends. I mean I would think just guys make me nervous but it’s people in general. Oh and I tend to be angry more than I probably should be. “

DR: how about your sleeping patterns

“I have to take two 500mcg b-12 to go to bed it’s the only thing that gets me to sleep. This statement is what got me the battery of test and my doctor stating that is the weirdest thing she’s every heard. 

I mean I knew I need an anti depressant, but is it wrong I really wanted her to be like “You are totally okay, we just need to tweak when you go to sleep and eat more veggie’s and you are good to go. 

Tuesday (skipped class ^_^)

V-day: made it to class, and random creeper tries to get my number at gas station. The reason this added to my week is not cause I was like OM gosh like he totally that I was like all that and the bag of chips” but more “Om gosh I have a totally random story to break the ice with when I meet my friend later. 

Today I cleaned my  room and am heavily behind in homework, but hey my rooms clean, and everyone in my family is healthy for the most part, Jesus loves, I got to read the bible and do devotions all week, so yeah overall not the worst week. But hey that’s my opinion, Expect more updates as I try to start dealing with my rocky childhood, while on medication, working FT and going to school. Only God could save me know

Lets talk about….

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Sex baby sorry, just watched Pitch perfect so that song is currently stuck in my head. But on the subject eh why the hell not talk about it everyone is either super touchy about it or way out there TMI all over the place. It’s half way to one and the family is asleep so on ward we go down the rabbit hole.

So I’ve never made love had sex, done the bom chicka bow wow (so many ways to say one thing) so I will not be imparting any details or one night trysts or long summers and dreamy men. Nope just the opposite I don’t understand some of the misconceptions about sex, now again I don’t claim to be an expert by any right but there are some things I do know.

1–It will be awesome ^_^, now I have been told the contrary via my thrice divorced co-worker which leads to fact–

2– You will not always be awesome doing “it’ I mean you definitely want a high average but there will be hits and definite misses.

3–Sex and intimacy are very distinct things one does not drag along the other, nor is intimacy a guaranteed pair with sex. However once intimacy is cultivated and blossoms it takes things to another level.

4–Intimacy+love+patience= awesomeness. I mean I assume, each of those things are awesome so you kind of have to assume together they make sex better.

5–What I am more referring to is making love versus sex. Sex is now a word used to strip away the act of the romance the complexity and make it well plainly biological.

Well those are the things I know and will be willing to share about sex on the internet. Now this topic usually leads me into the  next category the misconception on how girls think about sex. Now I will only speak for myself as the female nation has yet to vote me as the official spokeswoman. In tv there are only two versions of girls that tend to be out there, the ***blushes and never ever thinks about sex** or **the girl doing a keg stand in a bikini***. Now am I exaggerating probably but I oddly don’t feel represented in these categories, do I blush …Yes (even though I’m tan sigh) I really haven’t the foggiest idea what a keg stand is so not that. But on the other hand I think about marriage the guy I will spend the rest of my life “sleeping” with and sometimes not  necessarily in that order.

The other day I literally I looked up from studying and was like this be a perfect moment to take an adult break, maybe its me but I like the idea or knowing one day there will be this guy who totally loves me and I him, and we get do it like whenever, no pressure,  no… will he call, just security and love. Now my co-worker referenced above says sex is nothing like this to which I said “that’s cause you were doing it wrong”. Maybe I hold the biggest misconception of all… that sex is more than five minutes (if your lucky) of biological needs being met. But in all honesty, if it is not the merging of physical need , cementing the heart and soul with the sprinkle of blush worthy moments. Than what is the point?

At Work She Writes

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I figured rather than going slightly insane at work, I could write a post since it been so long. So I’m about a week away from entering a new house which is exciting and scary all at the same time. I really wish it were more certain, but I’m enjoying the calm before the storm. Schools almost over and I’m running behind as usually, So I’ve redefined online classes are not for me. I really am not well displaced enough for them. Speaking of discipline I’m pretty sure that’s my word for this coming year. I need to learn discipline, like Washington needs to keep their pants on. I mean maybe a little less than Washington but definitely in the middle somewhere. I mean I haven’t lost a single pound since I wrote the post about losing wait. I think I gained 2lbs actually. Regardless I’ve kept true to my word of minimizing my social impact, but I’ve just picked up other bad habits like dating sims and online Japanese stuff. But today is a reboot, and the new house is a new being. throwing out stuff I don’t need. finishing things that need to get done. Returning Items I have borrowed. As a side note, I am a terrible borrower, I have 4 items that I borrowed way to long ago to still have. I’ve will be moving twice and still have this things sigh. One is a housekeepers outfit and a Neon Trees album that I borrowed from someone I haven’t seen in a year, we had a conflict and the resolution was separation. Than I have a Office season something DVD I’ve never watched that I borrowed from a friend that I haven’t seen cause were both super busy and well I’m bigger and don’t want to see him so I must mail this. And lastly ACII that I was given by my awesome person T-wolf. They say you never forget your first and I probably won’t. AC II first video game I every completed 92% and every now and then I add a few more memories on the game. So the wonderful owner of this game moved back home. So may be it’s not a bad borrow, so much as I have bad timing, I have solved how to get the dress and cd back to friend number one via my mom whose friends with her mom. And the other two it will have to be via the mail which will probably be the first week of December near my b-day. Happy b-day to me I’m giving back your stuff lol.
 
And yes I’m still at work, I’m not trying to waste time but apparently every time I speak with a co-worker someone cries. Apparently my face screams let us get emotionally deep while on the clock. I must figure out the facial vibes i am sending to figure it all out. so back from the two side notes
 
I’ve decided to get more self control, which will be difficult but baby steps. First waking up the same time everyday, Secondly adhering to my class schedule. Arriving to work 20mins early to work, regardless of when I went to bed. Also I need to take care of my stuff more. Like currently my car is all clean and after the closing of the new house I’ll take it to the mechanic to get everything changed. Also I have to get ready for the puppy were getting my brother ^_^. It’s a surprise but that also takes a lot of discipline. I have a cat, which takes the discipline of 0 to care for. But with two pets that ups the anti I will have to take them for checkups and shots and all that good stuff. It shall be intriguing. Sigh it really is a bit slow today at work, but I don’t mind, I like it. It lets me clear my mind.

Spiraling

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I’m spiraling with every move and type of the letter I make I’m spiraling down and down the rabbit hole I go. So why, WHY!!!. sigh. I’m going to preamble this THIS WILL BE A RANT SUCK FEST MOODY CRAP FILLED ANNOYING TO READ MISSPELLED POST.!!!! SO DON’T READ IF ANY OF THE PREVIOUS DESCRIBE CRITERIA CAN NOT BE PLACED IN YOUR LEISURE READING. This is really inner dialogue I need out so please do pass on this post if you would like to.!!!!!!!!!

So now that, this warning is out of the way back to spiraling. You ever had that feeling everything was slipping away and you just had two options: fight for it or let it slip away. That’s where I am. And I don’t know why. (I’m literally tearing up) I can’t explain myself, I don’t make any sense to anyone. I don’t want to. Please do not mistake this I don’t want pity I don’t want you to “get me”  I don’t get me how the hell would anyone else get me.  On the surface I should be fine I walk around like I just have a few bumps and bruises in my shell that I’m not prone to being hurt. The truth is I feel deep, to deep. For me to survive the pain inflicted on me I have to make my pain less, I have to understand your situation why your hurting me, why you don’t mean it.

I’m so over it, I can’t deal with people anymore, currently the mere thought of walking up and breathing tomorrow is annoying me. I can’t stand myself. Do you know what it is to wake up every day and know your the reason you have to convince yourself your pretty. That to cope with the abuse and crap you turned to food and not God. That for you to be able to breathe the same air and everyone else you have to blame everything on someone else. I can’t stand it, I want to disappear so this is my farewell address, to  being known. I cutting ties, And if your a friend of mine I’m sorry, I really am but until December 10th, forget I exist erase me completely don’t text me nothing. I just can’t I need to float through for a while I can’t bare the thought of caring and thinking. I need space from life but that doesn’t happen. I’m so full of hurt and anger and misplaced emotions. And in the mix of this I have a full course load and a full time job and am clinically depressed. So somethings has to give, and for once it can’t be me.

I really don’t even know what to do Oh God, why do you give things I can’t bear, I know you wish me to run to you, but I’m scared to move, to rely completely on you. You every night for three years I cried out to you to end my abuse, to show me hope, yet you gave me strength to stop it on my own. Now I stand he ill equipped for the bible ahead. I’m lost in a sea of purpose of things to do that need to get done. Of priorities I set above you. I wish to here Your voice but yet draw away before you get to close. For this spiral I know well and this hole has a place for me, things here unchanged, nevre pushing me just cradling me in sweet darkness. It reminds me of the places I go in my mind to be far away from things here, yet you draw me back. Why do you draw me back, to pain to suffering, I know you wish only good, for me but I am undeserving, am wretched, stained, and stubborn, sinful in all my ways. Yet you wish to draw me near to you, and I seek nothing more than the solace in your arms. How I wish I could change and ran to you clean free of all my troubles, but I have hindered my way, and your Son’s blood must cleanse me. I am ashamed, lost to wolves only wishing to grasp the helm of your robe to find healing when you wish to embrace me in your love.

My world is upside down and in two years I feel the same worse three steps behind but my its time to place the mask up once more, and pray I don’t forget who lies beneath, that I give the little girl I once was so long before evil touched my life a chance to breathe. Until than I pretend and dance to the beat of the music played before me. Swaying to the symphony of life as long as God desires. And one day I know this mask with crack and become ill fitted to me. For I will have grown and the girl I once was will blossom. But until that they the mask will guard her until I allow myself to be guarded of god. And rest my battles at His feet. Until that day I wipe my tears and hope anew. I persevere and survive, for God you have given me the will though faint fire inside me to fight to crawl, scrap, tear, and struggle through my own walls as you give me strength.

I end this night not knowing what or why tomorrow brings but knowing my infliction, trials, obstacles, blessing, triumphs, love comes through you first before touching my life.