That awkward moment everyone else is asleep and I’m here wide awake. I don’t know what my last update was and I don’t feel tye need to reminisce about it. Ever since I stopped counseling I’ve had terrible bouts of insomnia and spacing out. I’m trying to ground myself but it doesn’t seem to be working. I feel like everything is moving forwardn and I’m a hundred steps back. I wish I could catch up but I don’t know where to go. I’m always in conflict wanting two opposites at onc the lack of sleep doesn’t help. 3am staying up makes me sleep in late and I lose another day. Also temptation set in I fight with not watching hentai and yes girls deal with battling sex too we dont have a support group. I can’t walk up to my friends who can’t even talk about sex and ask them tk hold me accountable to not wat hentai. If you don’t know what it is don’t wiki it that was my first step. Anyway off topic that was never there it ls ben rough, my mom’s friend and my old boss died last week @45 left his wife and 3yr old daughter. Which also has me on edge I do not deal with death well I shut down and just look for things I can do to help, but I don’t cry I can’t it drains what little self control i have left. Sorry for the mess I’ll try and be more coherent next time. And so I will leave you with the last words my pseudo uncle left his wife: Di I love you so much and I love our daughter so much but I feel this heavy need to sleep, I’m sorry I love you but I have to sleep I’m so tired….
So I just got the Samsung galaxy three, which means instead of a slide I now have a phone that connects to the internet which in theory is supposed to make life easier. So far it’s just a phone that stops boredom during breaks at work.
So anyway let’s catch up on my life since the last time I posted. I have a dog now black ladlb and sheperd mix. I painted my entire floor after ripping up the carpet. Its been a rough couple of months, but on the bright side I found a great conselor l, who has been helping me a lot. Since this has been a really tough time I’ve disconnected from my friends. Most people (or at least the ones I have in my head to judge myself by) lean into their friends and loved ones at times such as these me I’m just weird and sxcared, sad, angry, and lost. I’m leaning on God a lot more and that has been helping. Also my counselor has really gotten to the meat of my issues, which is scary and fantastic all at once.
She told me I could either fight the hard battle ahead of me or wait until I have children and deal with it than. I’m choosing now versus later which is super weird cause I am a hard-core procrastinator but I am tired of pretending to be okay I wante to BE OKAY.
Also I want to date I’m 23 and never been on a single date. Now I’ve always sad it’s because I’m overweight but that’s not entirely true, for instance on Valentine’s day random stranger asks me out while Im pumping gas. But I’m very standoff with guys if any random guy compliments me automatic creeper card ( though gas station guy definitely creepy). Also I know myself I’m not gonna date a bunch before settling down, I want quality not quantity. But as of right now I’m to broken for love to last but as I lean into God his takes my broken pieces and makes me whole so there is the update. Another post will come soon
Every been kissed in a dream so well, you had to wake up to make sure it wasn’t real. If not I have not decided if it is something that can be missed or if I should recommend it. See I’ve never been kissed so how it compares I wouldn’t be able to tell you regardless. I guess I’ll share the dream with you since nobody’s listening.
So a scientist/doctor is experimenting with spatial time travel, figuring if one can move a town through space it could save numerous lives. This was in reaction to the fact we were always too late for some train of events, who should deem to use this had not been ironed out as of yet. Really it was like copying a group of people cutting and pasting them somewhere else. The trouble with this is the space the people are moved to must be of equal of more spatially than where they were coming from. Hence the first experiments in Iowa, in a weird town. I enter the scene of what seems to be my family leaving a home that may not have been ours. I deduce this my the fact we were exiting through the window and leaving booby traps. Fast forward a bit and I’m left wandering following a small cat and puppy who I snatched before ditching our previous habitat. I seem unconcerned by the lack of people on the streets, an though I know I have no idea where I am, I know where to go. I enter a home that has an ample kitchen sofa and dining in one area with one door on the parallel wall. I don’t know why but everything in my being tells me not to go through that door. I eat what seems to be empanadas, I stare at the door pretending not to show I am determined not to go through. I have the oddest sense the entire time of being watched and knowing my family at one point has passed through here. I lay on the couch and sleep. Blissful it is not I am jolted to face the doctor/scientist (his name escapes me) he tells me, he has my family and they are trapped and prisoners, and will remain so unless….. he is showing me them through the only remaining door on the wall (again I have the strange sense in my dream they used to be four one for each member of my family) but as I peer through they are just rag dolls on little chairs. At this point I see the man’s nervousness. An he begins to ramble to himself “it wasn’t supposed to be this way, cut and paste why isn’t there a paper clip to help me now. gah what to do what to do , this must be a side effect, there’s is no where to paste her where to paste her.”
Me:OKAY what is up your mumbling is getting on my nerves.
Doc: Yes.. yes sorry dear take a seat and open the fridge it will show you images that may jog your memory. I do as told and a picture or a terrible crash about to happen is shown there are multiple people scattered and at first I feel I’m the girl there chasing after the cat. and decide that is whom I must be.
Doc: I will introduce you to someone “COME OUT this mostly your fault interfering always butting in, out comes this guy 23 or 24 tall, white, lean to muscular build think Joseph Gordon Levitt, I stare at him feeling like I should know him yet nothing comes to mind.
Guy: stumbles in gah who are you guys, why am I here what happened to my clothes *stares at my face* you your the reason, let me go don’t make me do this I want to go home, *falls to his knees*
At this point me and the doc are equally perplexed, out comes this figure who picks up the sniveling guy shakes him mumbles “how could you embarrass me like this gah why do I tinker and work” and promptly pushes the “man” onto the floor, said mention fellow unceremoniously changes to a rat and scurries away.
“Real” Guy: I truly am sorry sometimes you try and do things and they sometimes my fail. He smirks at me one of those smirks that makes you wonder what exactly he is smirking about.
Doc: what did you do why is she here we were supposed to place the town right back the way we found it. Nothing more or less, exactly the same.
Guy: hey I’m not the one running around making edits before doing a head count, how was I supposed to know she wouldn’t go back. (he slid a look my way that implied very much he knew that was exactly what would happen.
Now I didn’t exactly not like the way this particular gentleman was looking at me but thought it highly inappropriate to the picture I had of myself in my mind of 12 years old with mitten and pigtails.
Doc: Sigh your confusing the poor girl, you could have at least let her know what you were doing before blocking the cut. Turns to me wiping his glasses, well it seems you may be stuck here with us so I may as well begin to explain myself and the events that have occurred the photo you see is a picture of the town you previously occupied that was pasted here so some corrections could be made to their homes then pasted back. You’ve all lived here these few years unknowingly, however since we do not know the full effects of keeping you here we needed to send you promptly back. however before doing so there was some commotion and some people (shoots look at the Guy now grinning widely) deemed they needed to tinker with things. So we were able to transfer everyone to exact time and space needed, however you weren’t accounted for and since I have made several edits to the town I am unable to send you along, as well you are no longer formatted to your town.
Me: But my mom and and wait did I have a mom right of course I mean I’m 12 can’t exactly be going around the world alone. feel them both looking at me with strange looks.
Guy: Love you might need to glance at the fridge a few more times make sure you find yourself before your brain does a number on you.
I glance at the picture and now see Guy there blocking of a 22 yr old girl dark hair, staring at the little girl in front of her pigtails flying chancing a cat and puppy as they jump into the dark haired girls arms. I than glance closer and realize I’m wearing the same clothes as her, I look down further examining my features and realize I am most definitely not the 12 yr girl. A memory flashes: me rushes to class passing by Guy and looking down as I hurry to class, walking home and glancing up to see him tipping his imaginary hat to me. Another girl, Guy and myself, chuckling to ourselves before our psych class. Guy and my close friend in close confidence, and a deep chocking feeling.
Doc:Cough… my dear you may want to take a seat and um adjust your um.
Me: I looked up wide eyed what…what… shaking myself out of my last thought.
Guy: Gosh, doc now I got to be all chivalrous while you ruin my show, love your shirt is revealing a little more than the doc feels you might be comfortable with, but I say be rebellious and prove him wrong **winks**.
Time Flashes Forward scenes quickly pass through watching towns on the fridge, hanging out with Guy and chatting with the Doc about the reasons he should begin further research with smaller items and work back up to towns, like starting with thinks people won’t be suspicious about disappearing and showing up again.
Than it settles back on Guy and I acting out a play, I have a veil on and have demurely read my part to perfection where out of nowhere he kisses me through my veil.
Me: Hey :pushes back: that is most definitely not your line I lift my veil.
He kisses me again…. I push him back a little later…
Guy: Fine, Fine oh Rosalind your alabaster is so alabaster and attempts to kiss me again
Me: We are doing Romeo and Juliet is there a Rosalind in this one
He than shoots me a look that says, Really, I could stop trying to kiss you. I blush and apparently regain my sense. and let him kiss me. The dream slows, time ticking past as he just looks at me with that look of triumph, reverence, and a solemn glance of promise that this will not be the last time he kisses me this way.
And than I woke up, alone and with what I assume was a dreamy smirk. Cause when I rolled out of bed I had one of those I accomplished a lot today looks. And the very vivid memory of this dream. So there it is I don’t know what to say, it wasn’t a smutty dream, at least not to me sorry if you thought it was. It was like watching and being part of a very intriguing film. It was much more vivid in my mind the scenery I really can’t place into words. But I can elaborate on any other specifics if you like just shoot me a comment.
I’m spiraling with every move and type of the letter I make I’m spiraling down and down the rabbit hole I go. So why, WHY!!!. sigh. I’m going to preamble this THIS WILL BE A RANT SUCK FEST MOODY CRAP FILLED ANNOYING TO READ MISSPELLED POST.!!!! SO DON’T READ IF ANY OF THE PREVIOUS DESCRIBE CRITERIA CAN NOT BE PLACED IN YOUR LEISURE READING. This is really inner dialogue I need out so please do pass on this post if you would like to.!!!!!!!!!
So now that, this warning is out of the way back to spiraling. You ever had that feeling everything was slipping away and you just had two options: fight for it or let it slip away. That’s where I am. And I don’t know why. (I’m literally tearing up) I can’t explain myself, I don’t make any sense to anyone. I don’t want to. Please do not mistake this I don’t want pity I don’t want you to “get me” I don’t get me how the hell would anyone else get me. On the surface I should be fine I walk around like I just have a few bumps and bruises in my shell that I’m not prone to being hurt. The truth is I feel deep, to deep. For me to survive the pain inflicted on me I have to make my pain less, I have to understand your situation why your hurting me, why you don’t mean it.
I’m so over it, I can’t deal with people anymore, currently the mere thought of walking up and breathing tomorrow is annoying me. I can’t stand myself. Do you know what it is to wake up every day and know your the reason you have to convince yourself your pretty. That to cope with the abuse and crap you turned to food and not God. That for you to be able to breathe the same air and everyone else you have to blame everything on someone else. I can’t stand it, I want to disappear so this is my farewell address, to being known. I cutting ties, And if your a friend of mine I’m sorry, I really am but until December 10th, forget I exist erase me completely don’t text me nothing. I just can’t I need to float through for a while I can’t bare the thought of caring and thinking. I need space from life but that doesn’t happen. I’m so full of hurt and anger and misplaced emotions. And in the mix of this I have a full course load and a full time job and am clinically depressed. So somethings has to give, and for once it can’t be me.
I really don’t even know what to do Oh God, why do you give things I can’t bear, I know you wish me to run to you, but I’m scared to move, to rely completely on you. You every night for three years I cried out to you to end my abuse, to show me hope, yet you gave me strength to stop it on my own. Now I stand he ill equipped for the bible ahead. I’m lost in a sea of purpose of things to do that need to get done. Of priorities I set above you. I wish to here Your voice but yet draw away before you get to close. For this spiral I know well and this hole has a place for me, things here unchanged, nevre pushing me just cradling me in sweet darkness. It reminds me of the places I go in my mind to be far away from things here, yet you draw me back. Why do you draw me back, to pain to suffering, I know you wish only good, for me but I am undeserving, am wretched, stained, and stubborn, sinful in all my ways. Yet you wish to draw me near to you, and I seek nothing more than the solace in your arms. How I wish I could change and ran to you clean free of all my troubles, but I have hindered my way, and your Son’s blood must cleanse me. I am ashamed, lost to wolves only wishing to grasp the helm of your robe to find healing when you wish to embrace me in your love.
My world is upside down and in two years I feel the same worse three steps behind but my its time to place the mask up once more, and pray I don’t forget who lies beneath, that I give the little girl I once was so long before evil touched my life a chance to breathe. Until than I pretend and dance to the beat of the music played before me. Swaying to the symphony of life as long as God desires. And one day I know this mask with crack and become ill fitted to me. For I will have grown and the girl I once was will blossom. But until that they the mask will guard her until I allow myself to be guarded of god. And rest my battles at His feet. Until that day I wipe my tears and hope anew. I persevere and survive, for God you have given me the will though faint fire inside me to fight to crawl, scrap, tear, and struggle through my own walls as you give me strength.
I end this night not knowing what or why tomorrow brings but knowing my infliction, trials, obstacles, blessing, triumphs, love comes through you first before touching my life.
***Please note this was written just after the previous post. ***Though edited and posted much later lol*********
My day began amazingly my morning class went well. I woke up at five am after posting my daring and exciting post last night (I must figure a way to highlight sarcasm versus these damn parenthesis’s) made fajita and was set to go for today. So then it was around 7am and I forgot to look up my class room. As I get to my mom’s computer I looked online and boom my 7:30 am class magically turned into a 9:00am class. Suffice to say my day got better. I breeze to school find an awesome parking, and misplace my classroom but with the help of my awesome big brother arrive 3 mins early. Now class is a breeze I mean I’ve flunked it twice so I think I know what to expect :P. Yet I was surprised today Dr. Thomas Murray, (should you ever attend UCF and want to be a teacher take this man for any class he is teaching) was advising our band of misfits class about being careful of the schools we wish to observe.
The reasons being One: everyday is a potential job interview, which though nice can be daunting. Secondly do not volunteer where it is easiest per say. Go to a school that reflects where you want to be hired. BOOM that hit me like a ton of bricks, my passion is to teach inner city kids, title one schools, however all my volunteer work has been in A* schools. I was realizing what a detriment I was doing to myself and future students. Literally I felt as if God stared me down and whispered these simple words, what are you preparing for. Your preparation and planning is not for the plans I have for you. Your learning about a job I have not prepared for you.
Now noted this epiphany is still dawning on me as I type, so I apologize if the flow of this post took a little turn. I will save this for another post but a main note God IS Good He reveals to those whom seek answers, and for people like me you are reluctant to listen at times a nice tap to the back-o-the-head never hurt. ^_^. To recap class was good than I got the unexpected text DUN DUN DUN. I take this time and moment to confess into the abyss of the internet, I AM A COWARD. Well a prevention specialist same difference. Last year I had a good chunk of people treat me like trash so once they all decided to leave, I passive aggressively deleted their numbers. Mind I also deleted people who I just don’t speak to as much as well figured throw out all the bath water. Anyway all I get in the text is Hi stranger :). That’s it so this does not help matters, so I send what I think is a clever message
“Hey …um apparently my phone has decided to hide ur identity regardless of which hi “friend” (I am currently assuming our friendship please adv if incorrect 😛 ” ***pats self on back*** I was all proud of myself, so I than let my mind wander and thought it was Eh (any questions concerning said character please see hyperlink) As I presume you are caught up, you now understand why my mood suddenly changed. Now note it was fortunately enough my friend Jacob whom I must see at some point before the semester ends. But I must admit a small tiny part of me wasn’t as excited it wasn’t him.
Now once realization of this error in life, I was really mad at myself, was I really so weak. I have completely forgotten everything that has happened. and than once I had finally stopped being myself up I gave myself the chance to explain
See it not that I don’t remember what happened but I would like to pretend it never did, that would be so much simpler. Than nothing would be awkward. So the reason I’m not completely excited it wasn’t him is because it means I really won’t ever get the chance to pretend. Because if he had texted we could have joked, and I would have thoroughly convinced you to be who you used to be.
So upon reaching the conclusion of this inner struggle all the fight left me and I looked at the broken little girl I very rarely actually listen to and speak with. I looked on the small desire of my heart to run , and thanked God for the strength that allows me to not fall into old practices. Suffice to say I am glad that I admitted these things semi out loud.
The reason being bible study is tomorrow night now mind you I do not plan going any other time this semester as I will be ridiculously busy. Now he will be there and initially I did not want to go, mostly cause I hate the way I look and don’t really want anyone I know seeing me period. So after finishing this post I have no hesitations about going tomorrow night. I know I’m of a different mind, I’ve let the Trinity get a stronger grip on my life, so where I walk next God himself will have enter before me, assuring anything that happens will not be more than I can handle giving everything to him. So as the lights dim here at UCF I will still for a while more read a lovely ghost story as the lights grow dim and look forward to the rest of my life.
***If you are from somewhere that is not Florida, here we grade our schools based on a very diverse criteria Cough FCAT cough one exam Cough…. anyway the rankings are from A-F grading system and money is allotted for performance.
And just like that ladies and gents, I am once again a college student. I would be a liar if I didn’t open up with how excited I am. Like really excited I missed school being “normal” 22yr old. My childhood has made sure I won’t ever really be one of the crowd, but than everyone has there stuff and I can blend. Anyway off topic, so I have class today at 7:30 am mind you I am still currently trying to get myself to sleep.
I feel so utterly out of place, like the married guy at a bachelor party. I don’t know where to place my footing. I am not so far behind that it will mean anything in my realm of peers but it makes me reluctant to see them. I am not ashamed I’m still in school, that’s not what is at the core of this. I am ashamed that I had to take a break, that I wasn’t smart enough to pull away sooner, that I allowed myself to be dumb. Sometimes I wish I could go back and be that girl getting off the plane from Spain back in the U.S.
It’s been about two years since I came back from Spain give or take a month. And there was this moment when I was in Philly waiting to transfer flights when I just stopped, breathed and kept going. I want to go back to that moment, I think apart of my knew the two years that were coming up. That I had been stupid my first semester at UCF.But than again I wouldn’t have met T-wolf or VintageJoy, mind this are two spectacular people I really got to know after I stepped of the plan and settled back into life.Now I have to give some honorable mentions to the BTINS (before teaching in Spain) Alicia, whom God showed me how to just let Him be. Showed that I do have a purpose I can help others. Than there’s Brian, I love that kid, I really wish we were closer than we are now but that is an entirely different post.
The point being if I could go back I would, I may try to tweak things, but all I’d really do is erase the people who have hurt me earlier and not been the one shunned out. But if that had happened I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I needed. Which is why I’m also very grateful for this second chance God is giving ‘me. I truly am blessed to be able to go back to school and start to learn something I truly love with a different mindset.
Now this is a note to those who may see me in the day to day. I will hide from you, hell I’ll duck in a bush if I have too. I really wish I were joking but I part of me is still not forgiven myself for throwing away nearly 4 semesters of college away, for falling for a dumb guy, for not knowing who I am. So I really will be MIA this semester, so as a heads up, you will have to initiate things with me. I know its sucks and you can wait it out until the spring, but I figured I but that warning in her as well. And please also to anyone who messages me I will be there just perhaps a little late. My clock runs a little slower than yours ^_^. Have an amazing week and wish me luck Cause
I haven’t posted at all this week and it’s because quite honestly I’m not feeling fantastical. And there is no one to blame trust me I have looked. My new job is tiring yes but I spend most of the day reading the bible up to Deuteronomy ..hear we come Jericho :). I will get to go to school in the fall after taking about oh two yrs off. I’m pretty much all moved back in home, bittersweet, but still not and issue… so why the angst and to put it quite simply it’s who I’ve learned to be.
Now this is about to be a self indulgent post, meaning I will be describing myself, and some of you will think yes I totally knew this already, you don’t so no smugness. Did I mention I’ m currently emo’d up. If this post offends you, I will apologize because that’s what I’m supposed to do, but this post is not directed at any one person, it just facts and emotions neither of whom mix well at social events or festivities.
First revelation I am a living contradiction one of which is aptly named, my name means Dark, and I very much feel, a part of darkness, drawn to it, with a sometime eerie calm. I’ve gone to counseling and once hearing my life story, was promptly congratulated on not pulling the metaphoric trigger. I now must admit I have toyed with the idea more times than I can currently count, and the option has been my security blanket. Now before you all reach for the helplines and emails, I’m not jumping. I believe in Christ, my savior who has seen hell itself and walked away unscathed, reaching for those seeking Him. And yeah my life sucks sometimes but nothing to jump over a bridge about, this and many factors contribute to me living each and everyday.
Now this however does not mean the day doesn’t happen without thought, when faced with a stressful social confrontation or uncomfortable topic, I look at the insides of my arms. Try it on me sometimes, I really won’t mind. The one thing that seems to calm me almost instantly is tracing my veins, thinking of the blood pumping through, the miracle, immense amounts of knitted flesh, that create a barrier between the outside world and the very life’s blood that pumps through me. On a particular moody evening I may lightly scratch out my name and watch as my skin flush and subside.
I find myself listening to Emery and with feather light touches caressing my wrists. I know it’s weird, but it my coping, until I can switch it out these are the things that have given me enough sanity to disconnect from my flesh and let God. This is a very unknown fact about me, the people who know me the most are very few, and there is only one who truly knows me, since I was being meshed together in my mother’s womb. If left to my own devices I will never call you, friend or foe, I see people as passing colors, things I pass as I keep my head down and move forward. Now there are some whom make themselves like steady pillars around me so that when I glance up for that brief moment they are their without offense just happy for the time my dark releases me to immerse myself in their lives. Not mad I’ve been gone, just glad I’m back, no expectations, just mutual respect, knowing I treasure them, and that being enough.
There are days I wake up and pray the world has forgotten me that breathing another breathe seems the most tedious of activities, and than My God, reminds me of the blessing of that breath, the magic behind continuing forward, and the beauty behind the pain. I go from extremes, in the errors of my youth I believed being the ear to many would assure I would always be included in someone life in something, but that wasn’t true it just left me lonelier than when I first began. My greatest insecurity is one of these days, when I glance up no one will be there, that like when I cried out to God as a child for peace all I will see is emptiness a mirror of myself, a canvas that was never allowed to be finished. And don’t say you’ll be there, don’t lie to me, you don’t know where you’ll be, promises of grandeur only lead to amazingly grand untruths. You’ll never feel this in real life with me, I’m to attentive to how the tempature of the room is, how my moving my hair effects you, so I will smooth the edges so your feathers aren’t ruffled. How long that will last I don’t know, I’m being more and more tired, and I don’t quite know who lies beneath. But tomorrow a new day full of new hopes and dreams, and tonight is just a passing thought in an everlasting future.