And just like that ladies and gents, I am once again a college student. I would be a liar if I didn’t open up with how excited I am. Like really excited I missed school being “normal” 22yr old. My childhood has made sure I won’t ever really be one of the crowd, but than everyone has there stuff and I can blend. Anyway off topic, so I have class today at 7:30 am mind you I am still currently trying to get myself to sleep.
I feel so utterly out of place, like the married guy at a bachelor party. I don’t know where to place my footing. I am not so far behind that it will mean anything in my realm of peers but it makes me reluctant to see them. I am not ashamed I’m still in school, that’s not what is at the core of this. I am ashamed that I had to take a break, that I wasn’t smart enough to pull away sooner, that I allowed myself to be dumb. Sometimes I wish I could go back and be that girl getting off the plane from Spain back in the U.S.
It’s been about two years since I came back from Spain give or take a month. And there was this moment when I was in Philly waiting to transfer flights when I just stopped, breathed and kept going. I want to go back to that moment, I think apart of my knew the two years that were coming up. That I had been stupid my first semester at UCF.But than again I wouldn’t have met T-wolf or VintageJoy, mind this are two spectacular people I really got to know after I stepped of the plan and settled back into life.Now I have to give some honorable mentions to the BTINS (before teaching in Spain) Alicia, whom God showed me how to just let Him be. Showed that I do have a purpose I can help others. Than there’s Brian, I love that kid, I really wish we were closer than we are now but that is an entirely different post.
The point being if I could go back I would, I may try to tweak things, but all I’d really do is erase the people who have hurt me earlier and not been the one shunned out. But if that had happened I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I needed. Which is why I’m also very grateful for this second chance God is giving ‘me. I truly am blessed to be able to go back to school and start to learn something I truly love with a different mindset.
Now this is a note to those who may see me in the day to day. I will hide from you, hell I’ll duck in a bush if I have too. 
I really wish I were joking but I part of me is still not forgiven myself for throwing away nearly 4 semesters of college away, for falling for a dumb guy, for not knowing who I am. So I really will be MIA this semester, so as a heads up, you will have to initiate things with me. I know its sucks and you can wait it out until the spring, but I figured I but that warning in her as well. And please also to anyone who messages me I will be there just perhaps a little late. My clock runs a little slower than yours ^_^. Have an amazing week and wish me luck Cause
clamoringdarkness 