Author Archives: clamoringdarkness

About clamoringdarkness

I'm going through life, seeking God. As I trip through the trials of this world, seeking His Light and radiance . I am just me and nothing short of that.

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That awkward moment everyone else is asleep and I’m here wide awake. I don’t know what my last update was and I don’t feel tye need to reminisce about it. Ever since I stopped counseling I’ve had terrible bouts of insomnia and spacing out. I’m trying to ground myself but it doesn’t seem to be working. I feel like everything is moving forwardn and I’m a hundred steps back. I wish I could catch up but I don’t know where to go. I’m always in conflict wanting two opposites at onc the lack of sleep doesn’t help. 3am staying up makes me sleep in late and I lose another day. Also temptation set in I fight with not watching hentai and yes girls deal with battling sex too we dont have a support group. I can’t walk up to my friends who can’t even talk about sex and ask them tk hold me accountable to not wat hentai. If you don’t know what it is don’t wiki it that was my first step. Anyway off topic that was never there it ls ben rough, my mom’s friend and my old boss died last week @45 left his wife and 3yr old daughter. Which also has me on edge I do not deal with death well I shut down and just look for things I can do to help, but I don’t cry I can’t it drains what little self control i have left. Sorry for the mess I’ll try and be more coherent next time. And so I will leave you with the last words my pseudo uncle left his wife: Di I love you so much and I love our daughter so much but I feel this heavy need to sleep, I’m sorry I love you but I have to sleep I’m so tired….

Bored on a Rainy Night means TMI

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So I got this off my friends site and figure why not fill it out. 

  • 0: height:5’3
  • 1: age: over 21 younger than 26
  • 2: shoe size: I don’t know why this question makes me not want to answer the rest of the questions
  • 3: do you smoke: ….No
  • 4: do you drink: Yes, on occasion
  • 5: do you take drugs: No
  • 6: age you get mistaken for: 18
  • 7: have tattoos: No
  • 8: want any tattoos: Yes at least one
  • 9: got any piercings: Just the regularly two
  • 10: want any piercings: Nope 
  • 11: best friend: Jesus
  • 12: relationship status: Single 
  • 13: biggest turn ons: Confidence, Humor, Kindness, 
  • 14: biggest turn offs: Arrogance, mean spirit 
  • 15: favorite movie: Lord of the Rings
  • 16: i’ll love you if: You love my family
  • 17: someone you miss: My grandma
  • 18: most traumatic experience: Childhood
  • 19: a fact about your personality: 
  • 20: what i hate most about myself: Loaded question,hmm my ability to talk myself out of almost everything
  • 21: what i love most about myself: My ability to smile through the hard stuff
  • 22: what i want to be when i get older: Stronger, content, and passionate.
  • 23: my relationship with my sibling(s): Awesome I love them
  • 24: my relationship with my parent(s): With my mom great with my dad not so great
  • 25: my idea of a perfect date: Something simple like watching tv or just hanging out, as long as the night is full of laughs I’m game for anything.
  • 26: my biggest pet peeves: Mood killers
  • 27: a description of the girl/boy i like:……I don’t currently like anyone…..
  • 28: a description of the person i dislike the most: hahaha I try not dislike anyone
  • 29: a reason i’ve lied to a friend: Insecurity
  • 30: what i hate the most about work/school: Going to work daily
  • 31: what your last text message says: Sweet
  • 32: what words upset me the most: what you think doesn’t matter. That sentence takes my form 0 to 60
  • 33: what words make me feel the best about myself: I really see Christ in you day to day
  • 34: what i find attractive in women:umm girls who can rock classy looks I think that so awesome
  • 35: what i find attractive in men: Eyes and smile
  • 36: where i would like to live: NYC or Leon, Spain
  • 37: one of my insecurities: Image
  • 38: my childhood career choice: Chef Assassin
  • 39: my favorite ice cream flavor: Mint Chocolate Chip
  • 40: who I wish I could be: I know it cliche but I’d just be a slightly different version of me
  • 41: where i want to be right now: Spain
  • 42: the last thing i ate: Hamburger
  • 43: sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately:Ryan Reynolds I don’t know why but he is the first. 
  • 44: a random fact about anything: In scott pilgrim versus the world it takes Michael Cera 35 takes to throw an amazon package into a trash can

Words can’t begin to explain

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So these past six days have been okay execpt for two exceptionally rough days. Scratch that waiting 4hrs for a n oil change isn’t that bad. So yesterday I had a mini panic attack at work, which is not fun or great and today I’m still trying to deal. I was supposed to be able to speak with my counselor but apparently she  has a new client with my name. And at the end of june she can’t take my ins. Sigh all of which do not make anything better. Now I just effectively fired her so there’s that. Long story short ing regards to my work place crying fail. My boss was on his way to leave   and all I asked was  Hey did you get my email (my job owes me two hrs overtime) I say the onr about my hrs. This offends him apparently he gets made gets in personal space and tells me to show him the email and explain my math to him I am visibly annoyed because he has taken a simple question and blown it out of portion. He tells me pay roll said they can’t fix it and they not paying and basically not gonna  explain it to me. I advise I’ll just sit with Hr and have them explain it to whuch he states is a waste of time. Another sup gets involed I start having breating issue and crying cause I two people hovering over me and my male supervisor walking around like a fight about to start. It was a lot this went on for 30 minutes the last half hour of my swift was be attempted to control my anxiety while making my supervisor feel good about himself. Sigh
Luckily today was better and the weekend is around the corner. The main reason I was able to calm done is praying and knowing that this event was definitely trying to undo the great work I’m doing in healing from my abuse, and I just thank God that even though I can’t bear it He is always looking out for me and if obstacles are being set I know I’m walking down the right path. So God bless and thanks for tuning in  

High school

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As someone who was homeschooled through middle and high school you wonder what experience you would have had. I’d like to think I would have glided through unscathed but the more and more I ponder on this subject I fear my expecptations are missed placed.
See i’ve found work is highschool you get paid to go to. You have a regular clicks maybe a bit more inclusive but otherwise the same. So how does this effect my rosy view of my non existant highschool years. Well cause I’m typing this from a bathroom stall waiting for my lunch break to finish so I can scurry back to my desk to await this day to be over. Now im running late waiting for it to empty out more so i can slink out sigh my anti soci has recieved an all time high sigh im gonna have to make a run for it until next time adios

Smart phone equals more quantity and perchance quality will follow

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So I just got the Samsung galaxy three, which means instead of a slide I now have a phone that connects to the internet which in theory is supposed to make life easier. So far it’s just a phone that stops boredom during breaks at work.
     So anyway let’s catch up on my life since the last time I posted. I have a dog now black ladlb and sheperd mix. I painted my entire floor after ripping up the carpet. Its been a rough couple of months,  but on the bright side I found a great conselor l, who has been helping me a lot. Since this has been a really tough time I’ve disconnected from my friends. Most people (or at least the ones I have in my head to judge myself by) lean into their friends and loved ones at times such as these me I’m just weird and sxcared, sad, angry, and lost. I’m leaning on God a lot more and that has been helping. Also my counselor has really gotten to the meat of my issues, which is scary and fantastic all at once.
She told me I could either fight the hard battle ahead of me or wait until I have children and deal with it than. I’m choosing now versus later which is super weird cause I am a hard-core procrastinator but I am tired of pretending to be okay I wante to BE OKAY.
Also I want to date I’m 23 and never been on a single date. Now I’ve always sad it’s because I’m overweight but that’s not entirely true, for instance on Valentine’s day random stranger asks me out while Im pumping gas. But I’m very standoff with guys if any random guy compliments me automatic creeper card ( though gas station guy definitely creepy). Also I know myself I’m not gonna date a bunch before settling down, I want quality not quantity.  But as of right now I’m to broken for love to last but as I lean into God his takes my broken pieces and makes me whole so there is the update. Another post will come soon

A Good Week? :/

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I would like to go on the record as stating that this may have actual been an okay week. Mind you that may not be monumental to you but it weighs significantly in my realm of being. Though as I think back maybe it’s more sad than good by other standards.

Monday I went to the psychiatrist  as you may have dawned on from previous posts, I may  perchance dabble in carrying baggage. Any who, I figured I have insurance now so I’ll put my big girl pants on and go, see what this unbiased third party has to say. I picked a christian one cause I don’t know why I think they would be less,  here take this drug, maybe it’s the random rude comments people have made to me about not praying my problems away (note to self see if one can pray away a broken nose). So back on track my Dr. sits me down and asks me why I’m there etc, and to explain if anything makes me nervous. I was like sweet she not looking at me like I’m a crazy person maybe I’m not as bad as I think, maybe I can deal with my issues by not dealing with them…..I should have known better. I will paraphrase the words that now have me on Zoloft (generic) and taking a battery of blood tests.

“Well I get nervous in crowds. When I sit in a room full of people my back needs to be against the wall. I need to know where the exits are. I don’t like walking in front of the group I’m in. When walking around campus I don’t like direct eye contact with people. People make me nervous, it takes a big effort to be around my friends. I mean I would think just guys make me nervous but it’s people in general. Oh and I tend to be angry more than I probably should be. “

DR: how about your sleeping patterns

“I have to take two 500mcg b-12 to go to bed it’s the only thing that gets me to sleep. This statement is what got me the battery of test and my doctor stating that is the weirdest thing she’s every heard. 

I mean I knew I need an anti depressant, but is it wrong I really wanted her to be like “You are totally okay, we just need to tweak when you go to sleep and eat more veggie’s and you are good to go. 

Tuesday (skipped class ^_^)

V-day: made it to class, and random creeper tries to get my number at gas station. The reason this added to my week is not cause I was like OM gosh like he totally that I was like all that and the bag of chips” but more “Om gosh I have a totally random story to break the ice with when I meet my friend later. 

Today I cleaned my  room and am heavily behind in homework, but hey my rooms clean, and everyone in my family is healthy for the most part, Jesus loves, I got to read the bible and do devotions all week, so yeah overall not the worst week. But hey that’s my opinion, Expect more updates as I try to start dealing with my rocky childhood, while on medication, working FT and going to school. Only God could save me know

Lets talk about….

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Sex baby sorry, just watched Pitch perfect so that song is currently stuck in my head. But on the subject eh why the hell not talk about it everyone is either super touchy about it or way out there TMI all over the place. It’s half way to one and the family is asleep so on ward we go down the rabbit hole.

So I’ve never made love had sex, done the bom chicka bow wow (so many ways to say one thing) so I will not be imparting any details or one night trysts or long summers and dreamy men. Nope just the opposite I don’t understand some of the misconceptions about sex, now again I don’t claim to be an expert by any right but there are some things I do know.

1–It will be awesome ^_^, now I have been told the contrary via my thrice divorced co-worker which leads to fact–

2– You will not always be awesome doing “it’ I mean you definitely want a high average but there will be hits and definite misses.

3–Sex and intimacy are very distinct things one does not drag along the other, nor is intimacy a guaranteed pair with sex. However once intimacy is cultivated and blossoms it takes things to another level.

4–Intimacy+love+patience= awesomeness. I mean I assume, each of those things are awesome so you kind of have to assume together they make sex better.

5–What I am more referring to is making love versus sex. Sex is now a word used to strip away the act of the romance the complexity and make it well plainly biological.

Well those are the things I know and will be willing to share about sex on the internet. Now this topic usually leads me into the  next category the misconception on how girls think about sex. Now I will only speak for myself as the female nation has yet to vote me as the official spokeswoman. In tv there are only two versions of girls that tend to be out there, the ***blushes and never ever thinks about sex** or **the girl doing a keg stand in a bikini***. Now am I exaggerating probably but I oddly don’t feel represented in these categories, do I blush …Yes (even though I’m tan sigh) I really haven’t the foggiest idea what a keg stand is so not that. But on the other hand I think about marriage the guy I will spend the rest of my life “sleeping” with and sometimes not  necessarily in that order.

The other day I literally I looked up from studying and was like this be a perfect moment to take an adult break, maybe its me but I like the idea or knowing one day there will be this guy who totally loves me and I him, and we get do it like whenever, no pressure,  no… will he call, just security and love. Now my co-worker referenced above says sex is nothing like this to which I said “that’s cause you were doing it wrong”. Maybe I hold the biggest misconception of all… that sex is more than five minutes (if your lucky) of biological needs being met. But in all honesty, if it is not the merging of physical need , cementing the heart and soul with the sprinkle of blush worthy moments. Than what is the point?