Spiraling

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I’m spiraling with every move and type of the letter I make I’m spiraling down and down the rabbit hole I go. So why, WHY!!!. sigh. I’m going to preamble this THIS WILL BE A RANT SUCK FEST MOODY CRAP FILLED ANNOYING TO READ MISSPELLED POST.!!!! SO DON’T READ IF ANY OF THE PREVIOUS DESCRIBE CRITERIA CAN NOT BE PLACED IN YOUR LEISURE READING. This is really inner dialogue I need out so please do pass on this post if you would like to.!!!!!!!!!

So now that, this warning is out of the way back to spiraling. You ever had that feeling everything was slipping away and you just had two options: fight for it or let it slip away. That’s where I am. And I don’t know why. (I’m literally tearing up) I can’t explain myself, I don’t make any sense to anyone. I don’t want to. Please do not mistake this I don’t want pity I don’t want you to “get me”  I don’t get me how the hell would anyone else get me.  On the surface I should be fine I walk around like I just have a few bumps and bruises in my shell that I’m not prone to being hurt. The truth is I feel deep, to deep. For me to survive the pain inflicted on me I have to make my pain less, I have to understand your situation why your hurting me, why you don’t mean it.

I’m so over it, I can’t deal with people anymore, currently the mere thought of walking up and breathing tomorrow is annoying me. I can’t stand myself. Do you know what it is to wake up every day and know your the reason you have to convince yourself your pretty. That to cope with the abuse and crap you turned to food and not God. That for you to be able to breathe the same air and everyone else you have to blame everything on someone else. I can’t stand it, I want to disappear so this is my farewell address, to  being known. I cutting ties, And if your a friend of mine I’m sorry, I really am but until December 10th, forget I exist erase me completely don’t text me nothing. I just can’t I need to float through for a while I can’t bare the thought of caring and thinking. I need space from life but that doesn’t happen. I’m so full of hurt and anger and misplaced emotions. And in the mix of this I have a full course load and a full time job and am clinically depressed. So somethings has to give, and for once it can’t be me.

I really don’t even know what to do Oh God, why do you give things I can’t bear, I know you wish me to run to you, but I’m scared to move, to rely completely on you. You every night for three years I cried out to you to end my abuse, to show me hope, yet you gave me strength to stop it on my own. Now I stand he ill equipped for the bible ahead. I’m lost in a sea of purpose of things to do that need to get done. Of priorities I set above you. I wish to here Your voice but yet draw away before you get to close. For this spiral I know well and this hole has a place for me, things here unchanged, nevre pushing me just cradling me in sweet darkness. It reminds me of the places I go in my mind to be far away from things here, yet you draw me back. Why do you draw me back, to pain to suffering, I know you wish only good, for me but I am undeserving, am wretched, stained, and stubborn, sinful in all my ways. Yet you wish to draw me near to you, and I seek nothing more than the solace in your arms. How I wish I could change and ran to you clean free of all my troubles, but I have hindered my way, and your Son’s blood must cleanse me. I am ashamed, lost to wolves only wishing to grasp the helm of your robe to find healing when you wish to embrace me in your love.

My world is upside down and in two years I feel the same worse three steps behind but my its time to place the mask up once more, and pray I don’t forget who lies beneath, that I give the little girl I once was so long before evil touched my life a chance to breathe. Until than I pretend and dance to the beat of the music played before me. Swaying to the symphony of life as long as God desires. And one day I know this mask with crack and become ill fitted to me. For I will have grown and the girl I once was will blossom. But until that they the mask will guard her until I allow myself to be guarded of god. And rest my battles at His feet. Until that day I wipe my tears and hope anew. I persevere and survive, for God you have given me the will though faint fire inside me to fight to crawl, scrap, tear, and struggle through my own walls as you give me strength.

I end this night not knowing what or why tomorrow brings but knowing my infliction, trials, obstacles, blessing, triumphs, love comes through you first before touching my life.

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