Monthly Archives: September 2012

The Kiss

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Every been kissed in a dream so well, you had to wake up to make sure it wasn’t real. If not I have not decided if it is something that can be missed or if I should recommend it. See I’ve never been kissed so how it compares I wouldn’t be able to tell you regardless. I guess I’ll share the dream with you since nobody’s listening.

So a scientist/doctor is experimenting with spatial time travel, figuring if one can move a town through space it could save numerous lives. This was in reaction to the fact we were always too late for some train of events, who should deem to use this had not been ironed out as of yet. Really it was like copying a group of people cutting and pasting them somewhere else. The trouble with this is the space the people are moved to must be of equal of more spatially than where they were coming from. Hence the first experiments in Iowa, in a weird town. I enter the scene of what seems to be my family leaving a home that may not have been ours. I deduce this my the fact we were exiting  through the window and leaving booby traps. Fast forward a bit and I’m left wandering following a small cat and puppy who I snatched before ditching our previous habitat. I seem unconcerned by the lack of people on the streets, an though I know I have no idea where I am, I know where to go. I enter a home that has an ample kitchen sofa and dining in one area with one door on the parallel wall. I don’t know why but everything in my being tells me not to go through that door. I eat what seems to be empanadas, I stare at the door pretending not to show I am determined not to go through. I have the oddest sense the entire time of being watched and knowing my family at one point has passed through here. I lay on the couch and sleep. Blissful it is not I am jolted to face the doctor/scientist (his name escapes me) he tells me, he has my family and they are trapped and prisoners, and will remain so unless….. he is showing me them through the only remaining door on the wall (again I have the strange sense in my dream they used to be four one for each member of my family) but as I peer through they are just rag dolls on little chairs. At this point I see the man’s nervousness. An he begins to ramble to himself “it wasn’t supposed to be this way, cut and paste why isn’t there a paper clip to help me now. gah what to do what to do , this must be a side effect, there’s is no where to paste her where to paste her.”

Me:OKAY what is up your mumbling is getting on my nerves.

Doc: Yes.. yes sorry dear take a seat and open the fridge it will show you images that may jog your memory. I do as told and a picture or a terrible crash about to happen is shown there are multiple people scattered and at first I feel I’m the girl there chasing after the cat. and decide that is whom I must be.

Doc: I will introduce you to someone “COME OUT this mostly your fault interfering always butting in, out comes this guy 23 or 24 tall, white, lean to muscular build think Joseph Gordon Levitt, I stare at him feeling like I should know him yet nothing comes to mind.

Guy: stumbles in gah who are you guys, why am I here what happened to my clothes *stares at my face* you your the reason, let me go don’t make me do this I want to go home, *falls to his knees*

At this point me and the doc are equally perplexed, out comes this figure who picks up the sniveling guy shakes him mumbles “how could you embarrass me like this gah why do I tinker and work” and promptly pushes the “man” onto the floor, said mention fellow unceremoniously changes to a rat and scurries away.

“Real” Guy: I truly am sorry sometimes you try and do things and they sometimes my fail. He smirks at me  one of those smirks that makes you wonder what exactly he is smirking about.

Doc: what did you do why is she here we were supposed to place the town right back the way we found it. Nothing more or less, exactly the same.

Guy: hey I’m not the one running around making edits before doing a head count, how was I supposed to know she wouldn’t go back. (he slid a look my way that implied very much he knew that was exactly what would happen.

Now I didn’t exactly not like the way this particular gentleman was looking at me but thought it highly inappropriate to the picture I had of myself in my mind of 12 years old with mitten and pigtails.

Doc: Sigh your confusing the poor girl, you could have at least let her know what you were doing before blocking the cut. Turns to me wiping his glasses, well it seems you may be stuck here with us so I may as well begin to explain myself and the events that have occurred the photo you see is a picture of the town you previously occupied that was pasted here so some corrections could be made to their homes then pasted back. You’ve all lived here these few years unknowingly, however since we do not know the full effects of keeping you here we needed to send you promptly back. however before doing so there was some commotion and some people (shoots look at the Guy now grinning widely) deemed they needed to tinker with things. So we were able to transfer everyone to exact time and space needed, however you weren’t accounted for and since I have made several edits to the town I am unable to send you along, as well you are no longer formatted to your town.

Me: But my mom and and wait did I have a mom right of course I mean I’m 12 can’t exactly be going  around the world  alone. feel them both looking at me with strange looks.

Guy: Love you might need to glance at the fridge a few more times make sure you find yourself before your brain does a number on you.

I glance at the picture and now see Guy there blocking of a 22 yr old girl dark hair, staring at the little girl in front of her pigtails flying chancing a cat and puppy as they jump into the dark haired girls arms. I than glance closer and realize I’m wearing the same clothes as her, I look down further examining my features and realize I am most definitely not the 12 yr girl. A memory flashes: me rushes to class passing by Guy and looking down as I hurry to class, walking home and glancing up to see him tipping his imaginary hat to me. Another girl, Guy and myself, chuckling to ourselves before our psych class. Guy and my close friend in close confidence, and a deep chocking feeling.

Doc:Cough… my dear you may want to take a seat and um adjust your um.

Me: I looked up wide eyed what…what… shaking myself out of my last thought.

Guy: Gosh, doc now I got to be all chivalrous while you ruin my show, love your shirt is revealing a little more than the doc feels you might be comfortable with, but I say be rebellious and prove him wrong **winks**.

Time Flashes Forward scenes quickly pass through watching towns on the fridge, hanging out with Guy and chatting with the Doc about the reasons he should begin further research with smaller items and work back up to towns, like starting with thinks people won’t be suspicious about disappearing and showing up again.

Than it settles back on Guy and I acting out a play, I have a veil on and have demurely read my part to perfection where out of nowhere he kisses me through my veil.

Me: Hey :pushes back: that is most definitely not your line I lift my veil.

He kisses me again…. I push him back a little later…

Guy: Fine, Fine oh Rosalind your alabaster is so alabaster and attempts to kiss me again

Me: We are doing Romeo and Juliet is there a Rosalind in this one

He than shoots me a look that says, Really, I could stop trying to kiss you. I blush and apparently regain my sense. and let him kiss me. The dream slows, time ticking past as he just looks at me with that look of triumph, reverence, and a solemn glance of promise that this will not be the last time he kisses me this way.

And than I woke up, alone and with what I assume was a dreamy smirk. Cause when I rolled out of bed I had one of those I accomplished a lot today looks. And the very vivid memory of this dream. So there it is I don’t know what to say, it wasn’t a smutty dream, at least not to me sorry if you thought it was. It was like watching and being part of a very intriguing film. It was much more vivid in my mind the scenery I really can’t place into words. But I can elaborate on any other specifics if you like just shoot me a comment.

Spiraling

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I’m spiraling with every move and type of the letter I make I’m spiraling down and down the rabbit hole I go. So why, WHY!!!. sigh. I’m going to preamble this THIS WILL BE A RANT SUCK FEST MOODY CRAP FILLED ANNOYING TO READ MISSPELLED POST.!!!! SO DON’T READ IF ANY OF THE PREVIOUS DESCRIBE CRITERIA CAN NOT BE PLACED IN YOUR LEISURE READING. This is really inner dialogue I need out so please do pass on this post if you would like to.!!!!!!!!!

So now that, this warning is out of the way back to spiraling. You ever had that feeling everything was slipping away and you just had two options: fight for it or let it slip away. That’s where I am. And I don’t know why. (I’m literally tearing up) I can’t explain myself, I don’t make any sense to anyone. I don’t want to. Please do not mistake this I don’t want pity I don’t want you to “get me”  I don’t get me how the hell would anyone else get me.  On the surface I should be fine I walk around like I just have a few bumps and bruises in my shell that I’m not prone to being hurt. The truth is I feel deep, to deep. For me to survive the pain inflicted on me I have to make my pain less, I have to understand your situation why your hurting me, why you don’t mean it.

I’m so over it, I can’t deal with people anymore, currently the mere thought of walking up and breathing tomorrow is annoying me. I can’t stand myself. Do you know what it is to wake up every day and know your the reason you have to convince yourself your pretty. That to cope with the abuse and crap you turned to food and not God. That for you to be able to breathe the same air and everyone else you have to blame everything on someone else. I can’t stand it, I want to disappear so this is my farewell address, to  being known. I cutting ties, And if your a friend of mine I’m sorry, I really am but until December 10th, forget I exist erase me completely don’t text me nothing. I just can’t I need to float through for a while I can’t bare the thought of caring and thinking. I need space from life but that doesn’t happen. I’m so full of hurt and anger and misplaced emotions. And in the mix of this I have a full course load and a full time job and am clinically depressed. So somethings has to give, and for once it can’t be me.

I really don’t even know what to do Oh God, why do you give things I can’t bear, I know you wish me to run to you, but I’m scared to move, to rely completely on you. You every night for three years I cried out to you to end my abuse, to show me hope, yet you gave me strength to stop it on my own. Now I stand he ill equipped for the bible ahead. I’m lost in a sea of purpose of things to do that need to get done. Of priorities I set above you. I wish to here Your voice but yet draw away before you get to close. For this spiral I know well and this hole has a place for me, things here unchanged, nevre pushing me just cradling me in sweet darkness. It reminds me of the places I go in my mind to be far away from things here, yet you draw me back. Why do you draw me back, to pain to suffering, I know you wish only good, for me but I am undeserving, am wretched, stained, and stubborn, sinful in all my ways. Yet you wish to draw me near to you, and I seek nothing more than the solace in your arms. How I wish I could change and ran to you clean free of all my troubles, but I have hindered my way, and your Son’s blood must cleanse me. I am ashamed, lost to wolves only wishing to grasp the helm of your robe to find healing when you wish to embrace me in your love.

My world is upside down and in two years I feel the same worse three steps behind but my its time to place the mask up once more, and pray I don’t forget who lies beneath, that I give the little girl I once was so long before evil touched my life a chance to breathe. Until than I pretend and dance to the beat of the music played before me. Swaying to the symphony of life as long as God desires. And one day I know this mask with crack and become ill fitted to me. For I will have grown and the girl I once was will blossom. But until that they the mask will guard her until I allow myself to be guarded of god. And rest my battles at His feet. Until that day I wipe my tears and hope anew. I persevere and survive, for God you have given me the will though faint fire inside me to fight to crawl, scrap, tear, and struggle through my own walls as you give me strength.

I end this night not knowing what or why tomorrow brings but knowing my infliction, trials, obstacles, blessing, triumphs, love comes through you first before touching my life.

Technically

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Technically I should be asleep. I should be preparing to wake up in the next few hours, refreshed and clear headed. However I am not, since  I have a few thoughts tangled up in my mind that I’d like to jot down.

Firstly I am so swapped with school and work right now I see myself  slipping into old habits. Its like when you say something dumb but its too late. However it is not too late and I plan on fixing the sitution this week so it doesn’t hurt the rest of my semester.

Secondly my brother and I are buying a house. I say this without having begun the process but am seeing more and more that this is what God is leaning our family towards. This is a big grown up step. Like BAM your not a kid you own a home deal with your self. It has not fully sunk in, I’m very nervous and excited.

Thirdly (?) I had a break down recently where I was in an argument with my mom and insta-cried and I knew it had nothing to do with the issue at hand. So I had to take a deep breath and remember where I was. That has never happened to me and was quite unnerving. I don’t know if I should be proud I stopped myself or scared there is still that much raw emotion from my childhood. I really went to a place I rarely go, I pretend it doesn’t exist therefore it doesn’t matter. Now it seems that is not going to work I pray that God helps me not to snap on those I love.

Fourthly (?) there is a cute guy at my bible study. ^_^ I mean he is like 12 (20) cough finally cough. Joking, my point being there aren’t many cute christian guys I know this is superficial and yes judge me for it I know I’m not the creme of the crop. It’s just nice to see cute guys in the faith is all. Mind you it may also have to do with I didn’t place him in insta you are my friend zone. As due to my insecurity I do this with almost all of my guy friends. Not that they would mind they are all younger than me regardless. But I have a terrible tendency to treat everyone as a child. As I know how to cope with children, and I find people my own age not very adult like. Which is why I find myself getting along with fringe characters, sort of people(transformers) who are more than meets the eye. And I actually proactive spoke with above referenced guy without provacation. Mind you it’s not like I’m awaiting to date him, it’s just very out of the norm for me to begin conversations with persons of the male persuasion on my own. So this was very fasincating.

Fifthly (?) I wish I were a completely different person every time I wake up, but it’s beginning to wiegh on me more now as I get older and there is less time to change

So I think that’s about it a lot more stuff is running around but sleep she waits for no one and I must catch her. So thanks for paying any mind at all to this, and type at you soon. Oh also shoot me any Q’ you have and give you some A’s for your troubles thanks.