I haven’t posted at all this week and it’s because quite honestly I’m not feeling fantastical. And there is no one to blame trust me I have looked. My new job is tiring yes but I spend most of the day reading the bible up to Deuteronomy ..hear we come Jericho :). I will get to go to school in the fall after taking about oh two yrs off. I’m pretty much all moved back in home, bittersweet, but still not and issue… so why the angst and to put it quite simply it’s who I’ve learned to be.
Now this is about to be a self indulgent post, meaning I will be describing myself, and some of you will think yes I totally knew this already, you don’t so no smugness. Did I mention I’ m currently emo’d up. If this post offends you, I will apologize because that’s what I’m supposed to do, but this post is not directed at any one person, it just facts and emotions neither of whom mix well at social events or festivities.
First revelation I am a living contradiction one of which is aptly named, my name means Dark, and I very much feel, a part of darkness, drawn to it, with a sometime eerie calm. I’ve gone to counseling and once hearing my life story, was promptly congratulated on not pulling the metaphoric trigger. I now must admit I have toyed with the idea more times than I can currently count, and the option has been my security blanket. Now before you all reach for the helplines and emails, I’m not jumping. I believe in Christ, my savior who has seen hell itself and walked away unscathed, reaching for those seeking Him. And yeah my life sucks sometimes but nothing to jump over a bridge about, this and many factors contribute to me living each and everyday.
Now this however does not mean the day doesn’t happen without thought, when faced with a stressful social confrontation or uncomfortable topic, I look at the insides of my arms. Try it on me sometimes, I really won’t mind. The one thing that seems to calm me almost instantly is tracing my veins, thinking of the blood pumping through, the miracle, immense amounts of knitted flesh, that create a barrier between the outside world and the very life’s blood that pumps through me. On a particular moody evening I may lightly scratch out my name and watch as my skin flush and subside.
I find myself listening to Emery and with feather light touches caressing my wrists. I know it’s weird, but it my coping, until I can switch it out these are the things that have given me enough sanity to disconnect from my flesh and let God. This is a very unknown fact about me, the people who know me the most are very few, and there is only one who truly knows me, since I was being meshed together in my mother’s womb. If left to my own devices I will never call you, friend or foe, I see people as passing colors, things I pass as I keep my head down and move forward. Now there are some whom make themselves like steady pillars around me so that when I glance up for that brief moment they are their without offense just happy for the time my dark releases me to immerse myself in their lives. Not mad I’ve been gone, just glad I’m back, no expectations, just mutual respect, knowing I treasure them, and that being enough.
There are days I wake up and pray the world has forgotten me that breathing another breathe seems the most tedious of activities, and than My God, reminds me of the blessing of that breath, the magic behind continuing forward, and the beauty behind the pain. I go from extremes, in the errors of my youth I believed being the ear to many would assure I would always be included in someone life in something, but that wasn’t true it just left me lonelier than when I first began. My greatest insecurity is one of these days, when I glance up no one will be there, that like when I cried out to God as a child for peace all I will see is emptiness a mirror of myself, a canvas that was never allowed to be finished. And don’t say you’ll be there, don’t lie to me, you don’t know where you’ll be, promises of grandeur only lead to amazingly grand untruths. You’ll never feel this in real life with me, I’m to attentive to how the tempature of the room is, how my moving my hair effects you, so I will smooth the edges so your feathers aren’t ruffled. How long that will last I don’t know, I’m being more and more tired, and I don’t quite know who lies beneath. But tomorrow a new day full of new hopes and dreams, and tonight is just a passing thought in an everlasting future.