Monthly Archives: July 2012

The Plans of Mighty Mice Fall

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I haven’t posted at all this week and it’s because quite honestly I’m not feeling fantastical. And there is no one to blame trust me I have looked. My new job is tiring yes but I spend  most of the day reading the bible up to Deuteronomy ..hear we come Jericho :). I will get to go to school in the fall after taking about oh two yrs off. I’m pretty much all moved back in home, bittersweet, but still not and issue… so why the angst and to put it quite simply it’s who I’ve learned to be.

Now this is about to be a self indulgent post, meaning I will be describing myself, and some of you will think yes I totally knew this already, you don’t so no smugness. Did I mention I’ m currently emo’d up. If  this post offends you, I will apologize because that’s what I’m supposed to do, but this post is not directed at any one person, it just facts and emotions neither of whom mix well at social events or festivities.

First revelation I am a living contradiction one of which is aptly named, my name means Dark, and I very much feel, a part of darkness, drawn to it, with a sometime eerie calm. I’ve gone to counseling and once hearing my life story, was promptly congratulated on not pulling the metaphoric trigger. I now must admit I have toyed with the idea more times than I can currently count,  and the option has been my security blanket. Now before you all reach for the helplines and emails, I’m not jumping. I believe in Christ, my savior who has seen hell itself and walked away unscathed, reaching for those seeking Him. And yeah my life sucks sometimes but nothing to jump over a bridge about, this and many factors contribute to me living each and everyday.

Now this however does not mean the day doesn’t happen without thought, when faced with a stressful social confrontation or uncomfortable topic, I look at the insides of my arms. Try it on me sometimes, I really won’t mind. The one thing that seems to calm me almost instantly is tracing my veins, thinking of the blood pumping through, the miracle, immense amounts of knitted flesh, that create a barrier between the outside world and the very life’s blood that pumps through me. On a particular moody evening I may lightly scratch out my name and watch as my skin flush and subside.

I find myself listening to Emery and with feather light touches caressing my wrists. I know it’s weird, but it my coping, until I can switch it out these are the things that have given me enough sanity to disconnect from my flesh and let God. This is a very unknown fact about me, the people who know me the most are very few, and there is only one who truly knows me, since I was being meshed together in my mother’s womb. If left to my own devices I will never call you, friend or foe, I see people as passing colors, things I pass as I keep my head down and move forward. Now there are some whom make themselves like steady pillars around me so that when I glance up for that brief moment they are their without offense just happy for the time my dark releases me to immerse myself in their lives. Not mad I’ve been gone, just glad I’m back, no expectations, just mutual respect, knowing I treasure them, and that being enough.

There are days I wake up and pray the world has forgotten me that breathing another breathe seems the most tedious of activities, and than My God, reminds me of the blessing of that breath, the magic behind continuing forward, and the beauty behind the pain. I go from extremes, in the errors of my youth I believed being the ear to many would assure I would always be included in someone life in something, but that wasn’t true it just left me lonelier than when I first began. My greatest insecurity is one of these days, when I glance up no one will be there, that like when I cried out to God as a child for peace all I will see is emptiness a mirror of myself, a canvas that was never allowed to be finished. And don’t say you’ll be there, don’t lie to me, you don’t know where you’ll be, promises of grandeur only lead to amazingly grand untruths. You’ll never feel this in real life with me, I’m to attentive to how the tempature of the room is, how my moving my hair effects you, so I will smooth the edges so your feathers aren’t ruffled. How long that will last I don’t know, I’m being more and more tired, and I don’t quite know who lies beneath. But tomorrow a new day full of new hopes and dreams, and tonight is just a passing thought in an everlasting future.

Its HERE FITNESS FRIDAY

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So yeah it fitness Fridays’, I know I missed weightless Wednesday s but since no one reads this meh :P. So I have decided I’m all around tired of doing nothing to change my weight, and view about myself. So I Choose to Lose. I am taking this journey with Chris Powell they guy that does the amazing extreme makeovers weight loss edition. Any way it asks me to answer a bunch of questions so here are the response I’m off to bike to aldi to purchase food.

My goal is to be 130lbs with a six pack. To go to Hawaii climb a volcano and zip line down. To reach my goal before I turn 24yrs old.

Desired Weight 130

Desired Clothes size – 6

Bust: 34½ -35
Waist: 26½ -27
Hips: 37-37½

Current Measurements

As of 7/18/12

Current Weight 318

Clothing Size 24/26

Neck 15’’

Chest  54’’

Waist 56’’

Hips 63’’

Thigh 28’’

To make my goal attainable, I will nix sodas, fast food, and restaurant eating. I will also exercise one hour every day.

Realistic weight loss weekly is 2lbs.

I chose to reach my goal weight by 12/10/2013.

This week I haven’t lost any weight which does not surprise me but I didn’t gain any so that is very important. So I will bike and hr again today and everyday than incorporate more demanding, activities. It’s a long journey an 188lbs journey, that’s a whole other chunky person.  So hopefully I will begin to lose in the double digits to make the process quicker. My 3month goal is to lose 80lbs, by my big bro’s birthday. It’s high I know but as a big person you lose the most weight in the first 3months, so I might as well aim high. If I reach said goal, I will purchase the awesome amazing AC III ^_^.

New format Cont

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Okay so I had stated I would go into further detail about my new blog structure. Which I will do now….

——-Mondays– will be about growing up, things God is teaching me things I don’t always want to learn. The way I continue to try and “grow –up” Basically Monday will be very personally, a short of breakdown before the week ever begins.  I will be delving into God’s word, seeking Him, His glory and purpose without me at the center; while looking for guidance for the rest of the week.FYI this will be a very God driven post, if you don’t like it I suggest not reading further cause you will more than likely be annoyed a majority of the time reading these posts.

Weightless Wednesdays – This will be when I get things off my chest, could be randomness; perhaps a lamp shade is crooked. Or even something amazing like I LOVE NARUTO. Basically it’s the things I never say, because I’m worried what others will think. As a heads up this post is the epitome of a SOAP BOX. I’m talking street corner antics; I will try not making it complaint ridden.  Also a huge part of Weds will be me sharing a lot about who I am. Wednesday will be a direct guide to me. This is both good and bad depends on who you thought I was previously.

———-Fitness Fridays– I’m fat, I know: O HUGE shocker, except for not, regardless of the big reveal, I’m taking my health seriously and this will chronically the mind behind the body. What I’m doing, my weight, measurement s, you know the whole ten yards. Regardless this will likely be just game planning and hopefully inspirational to anyone attempting the journey to freedom.

And lastly a sort of Random post will happen from time to time you might say it fits under Wednesday’s category since it’s random. These posts will be suggestive in nature, not gross or anything but politely put, passion posts. It’s a very rare side of me I don’t get to share ever so there’s that, so to get a great view of what these post will look like I will create one that includes all 3-4 ^_^.

****So God has really been speaking to me about my lackluster for His relationship. Do I love him most certainly, do my actions show this a 100% of the time, negative. Some days it not near, the flat 10 percent. I let emotions reign and takeover things that should only be controlled by God. Fun fact I love being in control, like best day ever I’m in control of every minute that passes. Worst day someone else is, which is weird as I am never in actual control. I am reminded of this fact every day; I have to wake up for the wonderful thing that is work.  I am learning to lean on God as Noah did. That guy just prayed for rain, building without questioning. Even Abraham questioned God, when He promised to keep His                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          covenants, and the blessing he had for His people.

******This one will be a combo of random and weightless Wednesdays. My mom was discussing how she had overheard Christian guy, talk about how he goes after insecure and big women or single moms since they are easy target. Now we all agreed this was true and terrible thing (not going to lie totally judged the guy as a douche). Now I stated I had a similar conversation with my co workers expect not as degrading (though I guess you’ll be the judge of that). I had stated that the best person to marry is someone who at someone point in their life was insecure or fat or didn’t feel pretty, but now has grown out of it to the mature well rounded adult you are about to marry. Obviously they inquire to why and I simply stated the sex will be amazing, because no matter how much you grown a small part of you wants to prove yourself and wants the other person to feel amazing. This equation equals an amazing marriage. It’s how relationship should be each person striving to love the other as God loves us. I find people who live life arrogantly are selfish and therefore assume this translates in to the wedded bliss portion of marriage. I can only use myself as an example I am in the process of healing from childhood abuse and insecurity, and from time to time I think about marriage. I don’t want to feel less than when I’m most vulnerable. So I plan ahead a dance lesson here, an exercise there, and lastly I try and heal so that I can be whole.  So perhaps my assumption is more self based, as I’ve always said first thing I will say to my husband is your welcome ;).

***********Now lastly a post regarding, fitness I am currently 316 lbs. I am 5’4, this is not a healthy weight and a few pounds short of the heaviest I’ve ever been. The reason for this is I am an emotional eater I don’t deal with my problems I either don’t eat or eat way too much. This has been an ongoing battle since childhood, and one I have not been fighting. The reason I am this big is because of myself, I made promises I did not keep to myself and destroyed my confidence and lowered myself self esteem. But I am seeking strength in God to keep the promise I make to me so that I may regain my integrity, so this will not be an easy journey but a much needed one. I will update photos every month so as to see the progress. As a side note I usually give free reign to comments but please keep rude or offensive comments in your mind. Thank you very much for reading this far and I promise never to post something this long again.

New format borrowed themes.

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Okay so I read a friends blog and was inspired. I’m going to aim to write at least three posts a week. give or take with a couple of extra thrown in from time to time. The titles are under works but here is what I have

Maturing Mondays,: this is where I will reflect on the biblical and spiritual step that God has been trying to instruct me on, as well as a wrap up of the prev week with a look forward to the week ahead.

Thundering Thursday, Sexy time lol, it shall unravel a bit more in my next post as it will be the first ed to sexy thunder thursdays.

Selcouth Saturdays. 

Again this will be better described my computer is dying