I’m so over being depressed, big, sad, lame,whiny.. ugh. I literally woke up this morning looked at my self in the mirror and was tired of being me. I’ve dealt with depression all my life. SO WHAT!!! I’m tired of being tired and yet the most I will do is blog about it and stuff my face. I don’t have medical insurance so I can’t just go and take a pill, not that a pill completely help anything, it takes work. 

     Maybe at the end of the day all it really is, is that I’m afraid of what being okay entails. I’ve always been able to survive crisis micro manage my emotions. Now I don’t have to do that and turning 23 in December is not helping. My mom had two kids by now I’ve never kissed a boy or been on a date. I’ve just gotten over being in a hug with a guy. (as a side note I’m not uptight or weird just previously abused), and I want all the things while at the same moment they freak me the hell out. Having a guy come pick me up to got out for a couple of hours just to be with me… cue me running. Or God forbid wanting to marry me, have sex with me, and want to live life with me insanity. And yet I want it all.

      So yes I’m a contradiction for every breath I take I wish I could stop breathing. I am just getting more and more fed up and maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I need this to be so fed up so I can get up in the morning and walk out the door better. To use this fire to dive in to God’s word and really deal with the things that have hurt me, or maybe to rant and do nothing. I really hope it the former and not the later. Oh well off to sleep so I don’t skip work and ruin my life ciao for now 


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